Days Gone By

Still Here and still Adjusting

2008-02-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

It's been almost five months since the last time I posted anything. I just wanted to enjoy the time at home with our family adjusting. I have had so many things I have wanted to post or say, good and bad, but it is been hard to put my thoughts down and publish it. I have kept it all bottled up inside. Sniper keeps commeting that he misses all the posts I use to write. So this one is for you.

It has been a huge adjustment on all of us.

Just because someone becomes a civilian overnight does not mean anything will change. Issues that were there do not change in one day. He has been out of the Marine Corps for five months now and it has been difficult, frustrating, sad, depressing, happy, invigrating, joyful...you all get the picture. The Marine Corps is his life and whom he is. Somethings will never change.

He is at home being a "House Dad" "House Hubby" or my favorite "House Bitch." The kids love having him home all day and I love having him at home too. It has given him time to readjust to a life he hasn't lived in years. It also gives him a chance to heal. Thankfully because we were able to plan for it, it has given him a chance to not worry about the financial part (for now).

This week has been a long one for us all.

Monday, was 2 years ago when SSgt Iceman and SSgt Sniper met that fateful day that changed so many lives. A day none of us will ever forget and some that will relive everyday. Anyone who read this blog, knows exactly what I am talking about. You can see it here.

That day changed the path that has lead Sniper where he is at today (amongst a few others). I watch those eyes of his that burrow into his soul and there are so many times I see the emptiness, the sadnes and the hatred. His eyes tell more than his words. I still sit here day after day unable to help him, still helpless.

Sniper has a favorite saying "For those who protect it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know."

Those words are so true on so many different levels. As a civilain, I will never understand, as a wife I will understand more than most. I relive so many of those times with him. Many things he never wanted me to know. Some he doesn't know or remember I know. Most I have seen through his eyes, his words, his actions and one I have seen through the video.

Dyzgoneby

aka Mrs. Sniper
"Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me."

I hope and pray SSgt Iceman and his family have found some peace.

Welcome Home Sniper

2007-09-17T06:41:00.001-07:00

We finally have Sniper's EAS and it is set for September 30th. He is currently home on Home Awaiting Orders or PTAD (which ever way you want to look at, personally I don't care he is home). We have one more trip to make (together) to Camp Pendleton at the end of the month to pick up his DD214. It will be a difficult trip on all levels, but he will have his wife with him for the silent encouragement he will need. See, we started his career together and we will finish together.

But the most important part..........SNIPER HAS NOW MOVED HOME!!!!!!!!

Sniper left Southern Cali Friday night at 2145 and arrived at 0700 Saturday at his final destination. HOME. We spent the weekend getting everyone situated and our eldest son, Bubba, completely moved in. The house and garage look like a bomb went off, but knowing Sniper the way I do, I can bet money it will be in order by week's end if not sooner.

I now have most of my family under one roof (2 MIA). YEAH!!!!! It hasn't sank in that after 15 years Sniper and I are living in the same town again, let alone now living in the same house as husband and wife (we've only been married 5 months). I have looked at him several times over the last few days and can't believe he is truly home. It will be adjustments on all of us (the hardest one's are on Sniper), but they are positive one's. We now can live as a "family."

At one point over the last few months, I started to think we were just destined to live forever apart. Not anymore....There will be no more "mini deployments" (are way of coping with the seeing each other once a month). There will be no more dropping the other one off at the airport and saying "see ya soon." There will be no more long lonely nights sleeping apart.

Well, sorta.....

He will still have to make a few trips down to San Diego for the VA (hopefully all day trips). That is a whole other process that has been fun for him. However, I am very optimistic at the outcome. The VA sees his combat wounds for what they are, unlike the DoD. The rating should be pretty accurate and will give him/us something for the rest of his life.

Thank you all for all the encouragement everyone has given to us over the last several months. It has been hard to swallow the way the DoD has treated him, but WE have accepted it. Don't worry we still have some fight left.

I have been following a Bill going thru right now changing the whole PEB process and how it is done. It will take the DoD out of the rating business and give it to the VA. It will hopefully be retroactive to all those since 911. I will be keeping my eye on this and praying it passes. Like all things with are government it won't happen in the near future, but there is hope.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, Welcome home my love. I have dreamed for so long that I would be able to wake-up every morning in your arms and look into your eyes and tell you I LOVE YOU. Now, that dream is a reality. I love you forever and a day.....

Sniper is Coming Home Permanently

2007-08-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

Most of you that have followed this pathetic blog, know Sniper came home from Iraq July of 2006 and had a shoulder injury when he was WIA in May of 2006. Which he had surgery on March of this year. You also know Sniper has PTSD that has manifested itself to a whole new level over the last year. Put the two of these together, along with the other "wounds" that he has received over has last couple of tours in Iraq and 16 years of his life in the Marine Corps and it was inevitable, he was put on a PEB Board and being Medically Retired.

Or so we thought.......

For those who have never been thru the process, the DoD will review your injuries and give you a rating. The difference in rating's will either give you pay and medical benefits for you and your family for the rest of your life (aka Medical Retirement) or a severance check and send you on your merry way (aka Medical Separation).

Sniper and I have had over the last few months lengthy conversations and played the what if games. What if the board comes back with this? What if the board comes back with that, do we fight it?

After a very long and agonizing process, the PEB came back last week. He had 3 days to either accept what the Board gave him or ask for a reconsideration.

After 16 years of giving his life to the Marine Corps. Sacrificing everything, himself and his family for our Country....He received a Big Huge "FUCK YOU!"

It was NOT an easy decision, but Sniper decided to sign what he was given and come home.

He could have fought it, but at what expense? How much longer can he endure the path he has been on? The process to fight it could take months or even years. Would the outcome change from where he is at now? What price would he have to pay to continue to fight it?

The whole process has made me sick to my stomach. He has sacrificed so much and in the end lost everything. The DoD doesn't give a Flying Fuck about him or anyone else. It is just a bunch of fucking Politician's playing games with people's lives....

I am going to tell you a story of a 11 year old little girl who understands something the DoD doesn't.

An Excerpt from her writing:

"I decided to do this report on my Step-Dad. He is a Marine. The reason I did this report on him is because he never gave-up. He always persevered, even when he got blown up, got shot at and even got pepper sprayed in the eyes while he was fighting a guy. He persevered and kept going back to Iraq.

Since he spilt his blood for our Country to be Free, he was awarded with a Purple Heart.

As a Marine he was called, "Sniper" and that is because he handled a gun. Sniper was a fast and great leader. He was always serious and cared about the other Marines."

This came from a little girl who knows and understands a hell of a lot more than most will ever know. Our kids are Proud of what and whom he is and that is what means more than anything the damn DoD can give us.

I am too frustrated to write more, but I wanted to let ya'll know where everything is at this point. Sniper should be home within the next 30 days. Unless the DoD continues to Fuck with him.

Dyzgoneby

Sniper, I love you with all my heart. Soon this nightmare will be over and you can come home to heal. You can come HOME to start a new life with all of your family.
xoxoxo
Your Wife

Summer is Over and Changes are Just Around the Corner

2007-08-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

A lot has transpired in the last few months at the Casa and as usual life around here has been crazy to say the least.

At the beginning of the summer Lego Man moved home. Lego Man has been asking for a long time and over the last six months, he keeps telling me, he wants to stay here. It wasn't an easy decision and one Sniper and I have been talking about for over a year. We were going to wait until Sniper was home permanently, but we talked it out and Lego Man needed to be here and it was the best decision we could have made.

Now, before you go thinking , "What parent wouldn't want there child to live with them?" It's not as simple as that. My son is Bi-Polar and can be more than just a handful. I knew something wasn't right with him when he was 18 months old and by the time he was 7 he tried to commit suicide....twice. After a long, agonizing stay at a children's phys hospital I brought him home and realized I wasn't what my son needed. At this point I was even contemplating suicide myself. I was beyond exhaustion, physically & mentally. He needed a strong upper hand. How can I say this? My son also has a extreme temper and a violent one to boot. My daughter, Drama Queen and I both have been at the receiving end of it countless time. Yes, we both have been hit, punched, kicked and many of objects (furniture is included in this) have came flying at us from all directions. In the best interest of my son, I let my son move in with his father.....

After several years of therapy, maturity, and huge help from Sniper he has become a changed kid. Sniper has worked very hard on helping Lego Man to control his temper. Some how the two of them can relate on the violent tendencies that can come over you quickly and how to step back and control them.

Getting off track here, so back to this summer.....

July I finished and passed the last of my exams. Now the hard part will start sometime in the near future when I "Flip Over" and become a Financial Advisor. I have been going back and forth over the last several months if I truly wanted this. It's not an easy career, but I have dreamed about if for years. It will be a long road of endless hours away from home and my family. However, I will be able to provide a rewarding future for all of us and it will allow Sniper to enjoy life at home with us....I will elaborate more.

At the end of July, all our family was under one roof. All FIVE kids, Sniper & I for almost three weeks. Sniper's two youngest boys, Duder and Roo came home from Washington. It was exhilarating and exhausting all at once. The house was never quiet. Even though there is only 7 of us, we always seemed to have at least a few extra kids (either Bubba's friends or our niece and nephews and sometimes a mixture of both).

WE stayed extremely busy.....endless nights of Family Guitar Hero, a Family Baseball Game, River Cats Game (local Baseball team), Family Movie Nights, BBQ's and Cooking for this whole crew....WOW!!!! Cooking for at least 10 people was a new experience.

Then you have keeping up with a house with all these people here. Dishes and laundry seem to be the two huge one's. We averaged 2 loads of dishes and at least four loads of laundry a day (I can't wait to see what the water bill we be like, especially adding there were at least 10 showers a day). Sniper took care of the house. Everyday he handed out chores to everyone and if you didn't technically live here (the extended family and friends), don't worry you had your list to do was well. It was cute to come home from work and listen to who had what to do. One of Bubba's friends, at the age of 16, had never done dishes before. Well lets just say he CAN do them.

We all had a wonderful time together and life was never boring or dull. And that brings us to the present.......everyone is now gone again. Duder and Roo back to Washington, Sniper at Camp Pendleton, Bubba back home and Lego Man, Drama Queen and I in a very quiet house.

But, there is some changes coming soon. One that deserves a post all of it's own. It has to do with my FAVORITE Marine, Man.......MY husband, Sniper. Stay tuned, you won't want to miss it.

Dyzgoneby

I Am Done Believing

2007-07-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the language, but I am forewarning you ahead of time.

I have finally resolved in my beliefs that this fucking Roller coaster ride we are on is NEVER going to end. I have finally resolved we are destined to live 100's of miles apart.

I use to believe I would have sometime frame of when it would end. I use to believe I would have some inclination as to when he may be home. I wish everyone would stop asking because I have no FUCKING CLUE. But now.......I ALSO HAVE FUCKING GIVEN UP.

I JUST GIVE UP

I have decided I am going to live my life realizing, I have a husband whom I may someday live with before I die.

For those few of you that still check in from time to time, Sniper is being Medically Retired from the Marine Corps. Well at least he is in the process. A process that can take months, many long months or even years.

And in that process I have realized he (and most that have gone through this) is just going to have to bend over and take it in the ass with what they give (or lack there of) him as a rating. It makes me physically sick, to see how much he has sacrificed (15 1/2 years), continues to sacrifice for this Country, only to get shit on, on the way out. A big fat fuck you, I mean thanks for playing we are done with you.

I am beyond frustration at this point. I am beyond understanding. I am beyond being optimistic. I am beyond having a positive attitude. I am just beyond anything at this point.

So, yes I am DONE and BEYOND believing anymore.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I am love you with all my heart and that will never change. And get it out of your head, I will never leave you. You are stuck with me here, now and into eternity. I am just done believing in anything anymore.

Date Night

2007-07-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Married life is never easy, no matter how much one can think it can be. You throw in a Active Duty Marine, a Civilian wife, five kids and living 100's of miles apart from each other and it can be an extremely difficult road that most can't handle.

We spend most of our time living apart and when we our together, it isn't just us. Whether we are down in Camp Pendleton together, it's us, his roommates and our friends. When he's home, it's all about family. Us, our kids and our immediate families. But, there really isn't just "Us" time. So, Sniper and I had decided that no matter what, we need us time. We know we don't live the traditionally married life, but we still need our alone time together. We need a "Date Night" once in awhile.

Last night, I came home from work to find Sniper working in the garage, the house cleaned (you could smell it), and the kids (Bubba, Lego Man and Drama Queen) bags packed and waiting by the front door. I had been looking forward to our Date Night all week. Within the hour, my father-in-law had taken Lego Man and Drama Queen to there Aunt and Uncle's house (they live 3 blocks away and we all spend a lot of time at each other's house). Bubba's mother picked him and his friend Porky up within the next 30 minutes.

Sniper tells me to go up stairs and relax. Go play Sims. I make a pot of coffee (the last date night, I fell asleep. You know, your typical, getting old, the kids are out of the house and lets fall asleep) and kept telling him I felt very guilty letting him make dinner by himself after he cleaned and took care of the kids all day. He just wanted me to relax. I relented, listened to my husband, grabbed a huge cup of coffee, headed up the stairs into our room, turned the radio on and played Sims.

About an hour and fifteen minutes go by, Sniper comes into our room, grabs my hand and walks me down the stairs. Here's what I find:

A table for two, Candles all around, music in the background. Sniper pulls my chair out for me and I sit down to this:

Do you notice the presentation?

I am melting inside.

Sniper has a very romantic side to him. He takes great pride and care in doing things for his family and his wife, me.

We start eating. Damn the food was incredibly yummy. He made a meal that was perfect.

I sat there, listening to the music and floods of memories came flooding back. Back to a time when I was 20 years old (16 years ago), my parent's were out of town for a week and we "played" house. He comes home from work, I make dinner for him and we enjoy life together as if we were married.

I continue to stare into his eyes and my mind reflects back to another time, we spent a week together in a Cabin in the Sierras. I made a romantic dinner for him, dressed up and enjoyed a very memorable night together. I sat there and kept thinking about how that week was the last week we had as us. He left a few weeks later for boot and you all know the history on that one (see here).

As we finish dinner, I continue to listen to the music, listen to Sniper sing to me, stare in his eyes and know the dreams we shared so many years ago, the dreams we had for us have finally come true. I look around and realize, this isn't just pretend anymore. We are sitting there, as husband and wife in our home. We are home.

I finish my dinner (I was completely stuffed), Sniper grabs my plate and is completely giddy. He made desert for us as well. He sets down our deserts on the table and this is what I see.

Desert was shaped in a heart. Notice the strawberries, yes they are cut into hearts as well.

We continued to talk, reflect on our lives and enjoy our meal and evening together.

Afterwards, Sniper again takes my plate, pours us a cup of coffee. He then proceeds to clean up the dishes. I am not allowed to touch anything.

God I love that man. Not because he spoils me, because he surely does. But, he takes pride and care in showing me how much he loves and appreciates me, for me.

The evening is not over, we decided instead of staying home and cuddling up on the couch we needed to go out. We proceed to our room and bathroom to take a shower and clean up. We had intentions of catching a movie, but it was already 2230 and it was late to go to a movie. So we ended up at a local bar. Had a few drinks and enjoyed each other's company.

By the time we ended up back home it was 0115. We sat up for another hour just talking. And from that point on, it's something that is between him and I. Needless to say we didn't go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

As I sit here and type this, it's 0950, Sniper is asleep behind me and I am wondering why the hell I am typing this and not enjoying the last little bit of our "Date Night" with him.

It could be, I know I need to go pick-up our kids and enjoy today with some family time. Sniper leaves tomorrow to return to work, and I to return to missing him and wishing it would be the end of this month, when we have us and all five of our kids in the house for 18 days.

So here is to a wonderful "Date Night" that I have to hold onto to get me through until the next time.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, my darling husband, thank you for a wonderful evening of us. Thank you for allowing us to return to that dream we have always shared. I love you with all my heart, body and soul.

The Sims have taken over our house

2007-07-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Last month I was down in San Diego for awhile and while Sniper and I were out shopping, we picked up the latest version of Sims Deluxe for me. It's a computer game where you get build a city, infrastructure and all, and then play mayor.

A week goes by and I am back home. I decided I need to get lost in nothing for a while, so I install the game on my computer. Several hours later, I remember why I hadn't played in over a year and had hid the game from myself. I was/am extremely addicted to this damn thing. To the point, Sniper has called me at 0300 and the first thing out of his mouth, "Stop playing with the Sims and go to bed."

Yes, I will play until 0300 or 0400 and won't bat an eye. Even if I have to be up at 0500 to go to work.

A few days go by and Lego Man comes in and starts getting all excited when he sees what I was playing. Oh Shit....now he wants to play. I let him know while I am at work during the day, he can have the computer. He also remembers there is cheat codes (yes I do cheat) that you can use to make a better city.

The last two weeks, Lego Man has called me about every 30 minutes at work asking me how to build something or what the cheat code is. The first few times it was funny, but a few weeks into it and I am getting a little irrated.

At night, I come home and Lego Man won't give up my computer, he wants to play. Now we are fighting for Sims time.....

Well, Sniper is home for the week and decided he wanted to play yesterday. A few hours into it, yes you guessed it, he calls me at work to ask how to do something and for the cheat codes. After I got off the phone, I laughed my ass off.

I get home last night, only to find Sniper sitting in front of the computer and playing Sims. As I watched him for several hours play this damn game he kept up with all the questions of how to do something.

I think I created a bunch of SIMS monsters and my house is now being overrun....The only catch, I WANT MY SIMS TIME TOO!!!!

dyzgoneby

Letter to Govenor Arnold Schwarzenegger

2007-06-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

After being frustrated for over a year and watching the political game a certain Col has played with Sniper not receiveing his second purple heart (the one from his shoulder injury the it took 10 months to receive surgery on) and helping to destroying my husbands career, I decided to write a letter to my Governor & Congressmen. I don't know if anything will transpire from it, but I didn't know where else to turn as a Angry American. I am absolutely disgusted by the way "OUR" military is treated and I going to try every avenue I can to wrong a right.

So, I thought I would share it with ya'll......

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Honorable Congressman Daniel E. Lungren
The Honorable Congressman Darrell Issa

Gentlemen, I am writing these letters, not on behalf of my husband and not just as a spouse of a U.S. Marine, but as a disgusted American. Please forgive me for bringing these issues to you, but since I am not in the Armed Forces of the United States, I don’t know where else to turn for answers regarding what I see as a despicable injustice to a Marine who happens to be my husband. I will try not to rant and rave, however, these issues are very hard for me since I am a military supporter and I am now married to a Marine.

The injustice that I am concerned with appears to be some personal vindictiveness and lack of professional leadership when it comes to awarding service members awards for honorable service and bravery. This past year my husband once again volunteered to lead 100 Marines into combat. These were not infantrymen who train to fight wars daily. They were Marines from over 15 different non-combat related job fields and only two Marines had prior limited combat experience. My husband was given these Marines seven days before deployment and led them into Iraq. Their mission was that of a Provisional Rifle Company, which is usually done by infantrymen whose job it is to train for combat patrols, raids and quick reaction force, the real “in your face” combat. My husband spent countless hours training these Marines to the best of his ability with such little time given to him. Just as soon as they arrived into Iraq, they started a turn over with the unit that they were relieving and began combat patrols. My husband lead these Marines on as many missions as possible and while inside of the wire he would take them and train them, using whatever he could find (unused buildings, wood to make barriers, makeshift IED’s, etc). My husband never let them down nor stopped training them.

During his deployment my husband was wounded in combat on two occasions, and never once left his Marines. He stood there wounded and continued to fight and lead these young Marines until they were all safe and then he sought medical aid. He demonstrated such courage and determination that it flowed into his Marines and at the end of the deployment he was the only one ever wounded. When he was wounded on February 11, 2006 he received 16 internal and 8 external stitches for a shrapnel wound to his leg, but led his Marines on their very next mission on February 13, 2006. His second wound, which occurred on May 19, 2006, required surgery that was done on March 20, 2007. He was the first one out of bed, last one to sleep, the first one outside of “the wire,” and the last inside. That is what my husband did. He did not talk about leading Marines, he LED Marines just as many military “heroes” of our countries past. His selflessness and dedication to his Marines and the Marine Corps has been expressed to me by all of the Marines that I have met who were led by him. To them he is the type of Marine that they aspire to emulate, he is their HERO.

But all of that came under scrutiny after the media frenzy following Hayditha. My husband was not there, but he was involved in a shooting which turned the tide on him due to all of the media and political attention. The climate seemed to be as if everyone wanted to cover their behinds and lost focus on the mission and taking care of their own, as my husband puts it. He was investigated for one “Escalation of Force” incident three different times. And during all three investigations he was found not guilty. But the investigations were not for killing or hurting anyone. They were about him firing two rounds into the dirt as warning shots to stop a fleeing vehicle, which almost ran over one of his Marines. The powers in place in his command became weary of him and since the incident was not written in the Command Operations Centers log book, 12 miles away from him. When questioned, my husband told the investigators what had happened and that he did order his radio operator to make the call. The radioman acknowledged the order and reported that it was done. Regardless of where the ball was dropped he did not hurt or kill that Iraqi. His warning shots saved his life, as well as showed my husbands ability to think and act under stressful combat conditions and make the right choice.

My husband is not a “politically correct” type of Marine. He has openly told me that he is not a well liked Staff Non Commissioned Officer. His Marines have told me that it is due to his fearlessness to tell someone what the need to know, not what they want to hear when it comes to missions or his Marines. However, he takes his orders and completes his missions, first and foremost.

Since his return I have been able to meet over 30 of the Marines that he has lead in battle. All of them have told me the stories of “Their Staff Sergeant” who took care of them, trained them, and led them. I was told of a promise that he made to the Marines prior to them deploying when my husband said, “I will bring you all home!” As I listened to these words I witnessed the tears coming from a young Sergeant’s eyes. He then said, “Staff Sergeant Sniper IS A HERO! He is my Hero. And what happened and is happening to him is wrong and he should be recognized.” At the time I, did not know what this Marine was talking about so I asked my husband. He told me how the Company Commander that he worked for (Capt Tadd Vanyo of the 2/136th Combined Arms Battalion, Army National Guard) had submitted my husband for his second Purple Heart and the Bronze Star with Combat “V” for heroism. My heart filled with pride, but it was quickly flushed away with dismay and disbelief. My husband continued by telling me that after the investigations, the Commander of that base went into the administration office and had the Marines discard his awards. I asked my husband how he knew that had really happened and he told me that a senior Marine that was present contacted him and told him what had occurred. I told my husband that to me he was a “Hero!” And his words back to me truly showed the man, Marine, and leader that he is. He said, “Honey, I am not a Hero, I’m just a patriot!”

At present my husband is awaiting the findings of his Physical Evaluation Board to see if he will be medically retired due to PTSD/depression and other injuries. When I inquired about his depression in a session with his doctor I found out that it has to do with the character assassination of my husband, the perception of him created by these investigations, and the abandonment of him by his command. He has not been awarded his second Purple Heart for wounds which occurred during a fire fight or the Bronze Star with Combat “V” device which his commander desired to recognize his actions with. These awards are just gone. He has dedicated fifteen and a half years to the Marine Corps and to this Country. It must be horrible to feel like he does after giving so very much. I talked with my husband about this and all he will say is “Honey, they must not think that I deserve them.” Well I can not believe that. I can not believe after all that he has done for this Country, the Marine Corps, his command, and his Marines that he deserves anything but respect and recognition. I can not fathom that his awards were just discarded because of someone’s personal agenda, just in case his issue became Hayditha II. And as the investigations have shown, it didn’t. He did not receive an adverse fitness report, nor was he relieved of his command or duties. He was not charged and found guilty of anything. So his service was honorable. I asked my husband what he could do about it and he told me nothing. He did not whine or whimper, he just said there is nothing that can be done, and to move on. I am sorry, but as an American who supports our troops, who do what this country asks of them, I can not accept that there is nothing that can be done to correct this monumental wrong done to my husband. He has led and bled for the United States and in the end I feel as if his actions and bravery are being discounted.

I have spoke with many Marines and Sailors who have served with my husband who all have told me that there is something that needs to be done. So here I am, coming to you to seek an understanding of how such a thing could happen to someone like this Marine, who is my husband, and to ask if there is anyway to fix this atrocity against a true American “Hero.” A way to award him for the service that he has given his Marines, his Corps, and his Country.

My husband is still stationed at Camp Pendleton awaiting the resolution of his medical board, but has made plan to come to Sacramento for the July 12th “Freedom Is Not Free” function on the west lawn of the State Capitol for California’s Iraq & Afghanistan Purple Heart Recipients. I will be standing right next to him, along with our children and his family. I hope that you will be able to answer my questions by then and if you are at the function it would be my pleasure to meet you.

Sincerely,

Dyzgoney

Encl: (1) Casualty Information Worksheet
(2) Medical Disposition Records
(3) Summary of Action to award the Bronze Star with combat “V” device
(4) Excerpts from the Secretary of the Navy Awards Manual
(5) Contact List of Marines that served with my husband
(6) DVD video about my husband

Again, I am hoping something will come of this injustice. I will try to link up the video and if Sniper is ok with it, the Summary of Action to award the Bronze Star with combat "V" device. Both of these have brought tears to my eyes and a since of pride, knowing that MARINE, that MAN is my husband. I love you Sniper.

Dyzgoneby

"Mohawk" Marines

2007-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Just a little more insight into Sniper and his world.

Dyzgoneby

Inner Struggles

2007-06-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

Unsure of where I belong.

As a wife of a Marine in a Civilian world.......

I feel like I don't belong. I have a husband whom just happens to be a active duty Marine, living 100's of miles away. Civilian's who have never lived in this life or have a family member in the military, have no fucking clue what it is like. They can't truly fathom or understand what it is like living in this world.

Coming home from a long day at work and not having your husband to wrap his arms around you, kiss you and just melt all the stress away. I sit here so far away from my husband and miss him so much it hurts. On days like today (which is more times than not), that is all I want. The touch of him just melts all my stresses away, warms my body and heart and makes me forget about everything.

Fixing a meal, by yourself, for your family. Then sitting down to eat together, with a empty chair where your husband should be. Hearing our children talk about there day and laughing with them. Then looking over and still staring at that empty chair and realizing how much you want him to share in it with you. Laughing with the kids, as they try to clean up the kitchen afterwards, all the while wishing he was hear to laugh with us.

Helping our kids with there homework and knowing this is something Sniper does when he is home. Watching the kids play video games together as a family and looking over to the empty spot on the couch where he usually sits and watches with us.

Climbing into bed at night by yourself, knowing he's not there to lay your head on his chest. Cuddling up with his pillows, just to catch a smell of his scent. Thinking he is 100's of miles away doing the same thing.

It's pretty damn lonely and there is no one around who understands what it is like.....

Then you have the endless questions that I am so sick and tired of hearing: When is Sniper retiring? When is he coming home? Are you moving down to San Diego? When is the next time you will see him? When is the next time he will be here? How do you do it?

I hear these questions, so many times a day, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know people mean well, but inside I am just screaming, "Don't you think IF I KNEW the FUCKING answer, you would know!" "Don't you think IF I knew something, anything, I wouldn't be screaming it at the top of my lungs!"

They just don't get it and I have no one around me who I can relate with.

I have no sympathy for them because there spouse is going away on a business trip for a few days and they have to take care of the kids and house by themselves. I don't care and don't give a shit that there spouse locked there keys in the car and now they are whining because they have to take the spare keys to them. I don't have empathy for all there whining bullshit about there day to day lives with there spouse and the petty bullshit.

On the other side as a Marine Wife....

I again, feel like I don't belong to that world either.

I don't understand much about how the Marine Corps work. (I am learning, but by the time I have anything of substance down, Sniper will be retired.) When Sniper talks about different aspects of his job or what is going on or this whole fucking PEB retiring shit, I understand very little. That means I have to ask lots of questions. I know Sniper gets frustrated with me, especially when I ask the same question a few times over (mind you he has already answered them at another time), but again, I am learning and there are somethings I just don't fucking understand or comprehend.

I am not able to share with him anything that deals with him and the Marine Corps. I don't feel like I am part of that life, his life, when it comes to the Marine Corps and that is a majority of what his life is and who he is.

I am not there for him after a long day at work, to come home to and vent to. He keeps a lot (Sniper, you do more than you realize) to himself or vents to other's around him. I just don't understand that part of his life. Yes, we have the phone we communicate on, but that's not the same, especially when one hates talking on the phone.

I am not able to share with Sniper all the day to day activities he does or anything his command does for the families.

I don't understand much about base life. The few times I am down there, I feel like a lost puppy. I don't want to ask for help or directions because then I feel like other Marines just look at me as another "Delta Whiskey" (Dependent Wife). You know, the ones who sit on there fat lazy asses all day, do nothing, don't hold a job, spend there husbands money, wait for him to deploy and go fuck another Marine. (Sorry if I offend anyone, I am not trying to, but I know a few who fit into this or Marines who's ex-wives fit into this category. OK more than just a few)

I don't have the connections with other Marine Wives. I am not around other Wives whom I can relate with. Those who understand what it is like.

The only things I can really tell you about is what "Hurry up and Wait" is, the Marine Corps does things at there own pace and deployments suck ass.

So you see, inside, I feel like I don't know where I belong, where I fit in. I can't relate to either world....

I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I feel like I am in a deep dark cave and can't find my way out and there is no light to guide me. I am just maneuvering around by touch. And some days, I just feel like I wish the cave would just swallow me up.....

Please don't misunderstand me. I am happily married and I wouldn't change marrying Sniper for the world. He is everything to me and means more to me than life itself. Life is just lonely and I would give anything to see some glimmer of a light in this cave I/we live in.....

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart, my darlin' husband. See you in my dreams.

Memorial Day and Sacrifices

2007-05-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Today, is about honoring those who have sacrificed their lives for our Country, this Country. Those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. Those who have made the sacrifices and carry their scars, whether visible or hidden. Those who have stood by and supported these men and women.

I have had a family member who has at one time or another sacrificed his life for this Country. A grandfather (Army) who fought in WWII, a grandfather (Army) who fought in the Korean War, two of my uncles in the Air Force, my father (Marine) who fought in Vietnam, my dad (Army) who fought in Vietnam, my cousin (active Army) who fought in Iraq (leaving very soon again) and my husband (active Marine) who fought two tours in Iraq.

I realize and understand how many sacrifices are Military and their families have made for us for the freedom we share. A concept most civilians whom do not have any connection to the Military (past or present) can truly grasp. I personally am eternally grateful for them.

Years past, I looked at this weekend and today as just that, another weekend, with an extra day at home. I knew what Memorial Day was, but never truly grasped the whole concept. I was just your average US American that loved the fact, it was one more day off of work. One more day to have a barbecue and party with my friends and family.

Not anymore. It didn't happen all at once, there were a few things that hit very close to home for me.

After my cousin served for opening round in Iraq and came home, I saw the changed look in his eyes. That haunted look that will forever change the innocence in him.

After, Sniper and I rekindled our relationship. I saw that same look in his eyes.

I stood beside him for his last tour (which seemed like it would never end) and supported him. The long, lonely days and nights of waiting just to hear his voice and know he was ok, he was still alive. The phone calls home (which no one ever wants to hear), letting his family know, he was WIA twice (that rated him two purple hearts). The phone call letting us know, he was coming home WIA.

Sniper made sacrifices, put his life on the line for his Marines and he is now in the process (on a PEB Board) of becoming medically retired and it will take some time. Time no one has any inclination as to. It may be a few months or longer. The price has been high for him, but they all came home.

Me, I have stood by and watched silently the demons he fights inside and will continue to harbor for the rest of his life. I have held him on those long sleepless nights. I have held him when the demons get the best of him. I have held his hand or rubbed his back on those days when the haunted memories come back with no warning. I have stood beside him and watched the pain he goes through from the wounds that seem like they will never heal (it's been over a year).

I have also, watched the sacrifices his family and children have made. His family silently standing beside Sniper and supporting him through the last 15 years he has given this Country.

Our eldest, Bubba wrote something on his myspace the other day and it brought a smile to my heart and a tear to my eyes. He too has made such deep sacrifices. He wrote:

Well my dad is my biggest hero no matter what he has always keeps his promises to me and one of the biggest is to come home alive. If you don't know my dad is a marine and has been to Iraq multiple times. I have not lived with my dad, but for a short while, when I was little, but he always makes the biggest effort to see me as much as possible. He is always here for me no matter what. I am very proud of my dad for what he does as a living and I have the up most respect for him. Dad, I love you with all my heart and couldn't be prouder. Thank you for everything you have done.

This kid, young man understands sacrifices.

So as you go on today, and think this is just another day off of work. Another day to party. Another day off, to work around the house or do yard work. Think of the men, women and families that have sacrifice for you to have this time.

Take a second out of your life, stop and thank those who have served, past and present. Thank a family member for supporting our Heroes. Stop and say a silent prayer for those who are still fighting. Stop and remember those who will never come home and the pain and agony there familes will forever endure.

I know today, I am just eternally grateful I have Sniper home to enjoy the little things in life with. Thankful to share our family together.

Dyzgoneby,
Aka Mrs. Sniper

Sniper, my darling husband, thank you for everything you have sacrificed for us, your family and your Country. I love you with all my heart and I will never take for granted anything we have or share together. I understand why you have made the sacrifices you have made. I Proudly stand here and support you in whatever life my have in store for us in the next chapter of our lives.

Memorial Day Thoughts

2007-05-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

You Can't Tell a Vet Just By Looking - What is a Vet?

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service; a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eyes. Others may carry the evidence inside them; a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel -- or perhaps another sort of inner steel; the soul's alloy forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem.

The Vet is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

The Vet may be the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel in Korea.

The Vet is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night in Da Nang. The Vet is the former POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back at all.

The Vet is the Quantico drill instructor who maybe never experienced combat, but saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines by teaching them to watch and protect each other's backs.

The Vet is the wheelchair riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand. The Vet is the career quartermaster who watched the ribbons and medals pass him by but made certain every needed bullet found its way to the front line.

The Vet is one of the three anonymous heroes in the Tomb of the Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose uncommon valor lies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.

The Vet is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket -- palsied now and aggravatingly slow -- who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife was still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

The Vet is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being -- a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

Diary of A Last and Final Flight Home

2007-05-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

February 17, 2007,

0350: I was at curbside at 24th and M, Washington DC . 16 Degrees with a light breeze. Going home after my second week of freezing temps to my warm home in SoCal. Take a walk on the beach, ride a horse, climb a mountain and get back to living. I'm tired of the cold.

0425: paying the taxi fare at Dulles in front of the United Airlines counter, still cold.

0450: engaged the self-serve ticker machine and it delivers my ticket, baggage tag and boarding pass. Hmmm, that Marine over there is all dressed up in his dress blues a bit early this morning... "Good Morning Captain, you're looking sharp." He says, "Thank you, sir."

Pass Security and to my gate for a decaf coffee and 5 hours sleep. A quick check of the flight status monitor and UA Flt 211 is on time. I'm up front, so how bad can that be? Hmmm, there's that same Marine. He must be heading to Pendleton to see his lady at LAX for the long weekend, all dressed up like that. Or maybe not. I dunno.

The speaker system announces "Attention in the boarding area, we'll begin boarding in 10 minutes, we have some additional duties to attend to this morning, but we'll have you out of here on time."

The Marine Captain has now been joined by five others. BINGO, I get it, he's not visiting his lady, he's an official escort. I remember doing that once, CACO duty. I still remember the names of the victim and family, The Bruno Family in Mojave - all of them, wows, that was 24 years ago.

On board,0600:
"Good morning folks, this is the Captain. This morning we've been attending to some additional duties, and I apologize for being 10 minutes late for push back, but I believe we'll be early into LAX. This morning it is my sad pleasure to announce that 1st LT Jared Landaker, USMC will be flying with us to his Big Bear home in Southern California. Jared lost his life over the skies of Iraq earlier this month, and today we have the honor of returning him home along with his mother, father and brother . Please join me in making the journey comfortable for the Landaker family and their uniformed escort. Now sit back and enjoy your ride. We're not expecting any turbulence until we reach the Rocky Mountain area, but we'll do what we can to ensure a smooth ride. For those interested, you can listen in to our progress on Channel 9."

Click Channel 9: "Good morning UA 211. You are cleared to taxi, takeoff and cleared to LAX as filed."

4 hours and 35 minutes later over Big Bear Mtn, the AB320 makes a left roll, a steep bank and then one to the right-Nice touch. Nice tribute. Five minutes out from landing, the Captain comes on the speaker : "Ladies and Gents, after landing I'm leaving the fasten seatbelt sign on, and I ask everyone to please yield to the Landaker family. Please remain seated until all members of the family have departed the aircraft. Thank you for your patience. We are 20 minutes early."

On roll out, I notice red lights, emergency vehicles approaching. We're being escorted directly to our gate, no waiting, not even a pause. Out the left window, a dozen Marines in full dress blues. A true class act by everyone, down to a person. Way to go United Airlines for doing things RIGHT, Air Traffic Control for getting the message, and to all security personnel for your display of brotherhood. When the family departed the aircraft everyone sat silent, then I heard a lady say,"God Bless you and your family, and thank you." Then a somber round of applause. The Captain read a prepared note from Mrs. Landaker to the effect, "Thank you all for your patience and heartfelt concern for us and our son. We sincerely appreciate the sentiment. It's good to have Jared home."

After departing the aircraft I found myself along with 30 others from our flight looking out the lobby window back at the plane. Not a dry eye. It was one of the most emotional moments I've ever experienced. We all stood there silently, and watched as Jared was taken by his honor guard to an awaiting hearse. Then the motorcade slowly made it's way off the ramp.

I realized I had finally seen the silent majority. It is deep within us all. Black, Brown, White, Yellow, Red, Purple, we're all children, parents, brothers, sisters, etc - we are an American family.

Official Report: February 7, 2007, Anbar Province, Iraq .. 1st LT Jared Landaker United States Marine Corps, from Big Bear California, gave his live in service to his country. Fatally wounded when his CH-46 helicopter was shot down by enemy fire. Jared and his crew all perished. His life was the ultimate sacrifice of a grateful military family and nation.

His death occurred at the same time as Anna Nicole Smith, a drug using person with a 7th grade education of no pedigree who dominated our news for two weeks while Jared became a number on CNN. And most unfortunately, Jared's death underscores a fact that we are a military at war, not a nation at war. It has been said that Marines are at war. America is at the mall.

1st LT Landaker, a man I came to know in the sky's over America on 17 February 2007, from me to you, aviator to aviator, I am unbelievably humbled. It was my high honor to share your last flight. God bless you.

Wedding Photos

2007-05-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Here they are at last. There is over 2000 photos taken that day & we still don't have all of them. Once I receive more, I will add them. I hope you all enjoy.

Dyzgoneby,
aka Mrs. Sniper

Fairytale Wedding

2007-05-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Here is what everyone (well the 2 people who still follow this pathetic blog and Sniper too) is waiting for...details of the fairytale "Wedding." Sit back and grab a drink or two. Oh hell, just bring the damn bottle, you will need it, it will be a long one.

It was just that, a FAIRYTALE come true. Sniper gave me everything and then some. He planned most of the wedding and did a superb, outstanding job.

Most little girls dream of being a Princess the day they say "I Do." Not me, Sniper made me feel like a QUEEN. (Sniper, you really did give me everything that day and made me feel just how truly special I am to you. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart).

Plans change, as they always do, and I ended up driving down to Fallbrook after work on Wednesday by myself. It was that "I can't wait another day" mentality. I am very happy we decided to have me drive instead. It made getting around easier and not having to rely on other's to drive me places.

The morning of, I was an absolute wreck. As we, my baby sister, a friend of mine "Wisconsin" and I were leaving the hotel (did I mention he reserved a Spa Suite for us that was to die for) and we walked up to the Vallet window to retrieve my car and I became light headed, started seeing black spots and my heart was pounding beyond belief . I immediately sat down and put my head between my knees. Fortunately I didn't pass out, but this wasn't the last time that morning that feeling came over me. I was nervous, excited, anxious.....you name it, I felt it, except there was no cold feet. I just wanted the man of my dreams to be my husband.

After my make-up was done, tuxes picked up (yep, they weren't ready the day before), we made it to Paradise. I hid out the remainder of the morning in the bedroom. When I was almost ready, there was a knock on the door. It was the youngest of the bunch, Roo. He had a card and a Rose for me, from his dad. It was addressed to me with my full, maiden name. The last card and Rose from him as his "Girlfriend/Fiance." I lost it. I had tried all morning not to cry and he did it with a heartfelt card and rose.

Now, it is supposed to be the Bride who keeps the Groom waiting, but not this time.

1300 was fast approaching and I was ready. Then another knock on the door (there was a shit load of them all morning), but this one was different. A few people were looking for something to stop the bleeding, Super Glue. "What bleeding?" From Sniper.....he shaved off his mole on his chin by accident and no one could stop the bleeding. It was those nervous hands that got the best of him. This continued on for quiet awhile.....All the while I am thinking....let's get this on the road before I "pass out."

1325 I walk out to see my future husband standing at the alter. It was the most beautiful sight one could see. The man of my dreams standing there. The man I have dreamed of for so long to spend the rest of my life with. The man who has always held my heart in the palm of his hands. Standing there in his dress blues. After Lego Man walked me down the aisle to Sniper, he gave my hand to Sniper. Lego Man walked over to stand with the rest of the "groomsmen" (our kids).

Master Guns was the one whom officiated the wedding. A few minutes into the ceremony, I turned my back on everyone and pulled a hanky out of the top of my dress (I didn't know where else to hide it), before I could use it, Master Guns took it from me. Yep, we already had him crying.

Then came the reading of our vows. Sniper & I had decided a long time ago to write our own. I was first. He handed me a microphone. I told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't read my vows using it. (Yes, I had my on 3x5 cards. I knew I wouldn't remember a word if my life depended on it.) I took the mic and proceed with mine:

Today, as I stand beside you, in from of our children (Bubba, Lego Man, Duder, Drama Queen & Roo) our family and friends, Bubba will not have to dig that hole. I stand before you freely and proudly.

As a little girl I believed in fairy tales, Prince Charming, Cinderella, Knights in Shinning Armor and then I grew up and realized it wasn't true. That is until the day I met you.

You are my sunshine, my ray of hope. You are my inspiration. You are my best friend, my true love, my soul mate. You are my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shinning dress blues, only, I don't need rescuing. I just need your love.

Today, I, Dyz, take you, Sniper, to be my husband.

I promise to encourage and inspire you.

I promise to share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals.

I promise to listen to you with compassion and understanding and to speak to you with encouragement.

I promise to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle, when life seems easy and when it seem hard. When our love is simple and when it is an effort.

I promise to cherish you, to honor you and to always hold you in the highest regard.

I promise to trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together.

I promise to show you the world through my love.

Today, I give you my hand, my heart, and my love unconditionally. I give myself to you in marriage from this day forward.

Sniper's turn:

He didn't write his vows (another suprise). He told me from his "heart" how he felt and what I meant to him.

A few minutes later came another suprise from Sniper....

From behind the alter (you will understand when you see the pics) I heard music. The start of "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts (this song sums up "us" in so many different ways, if you haven't heard it, Google it). Then, I heard the most beautiful sound and voice one could imagine, it was our nephew. He came around from the bushes and sang the song to us. Yes, I cried again. (Sniper has a way of giving me surprises from his heart. He may be a Marine, but I bring out the romantic side of him....Shhh don't tell anyone. He might hurt you if you do).

After our nephew sang, we both gave him a hug and a kiss, and then went back to our spots.

Master Guns took the hanky from me again. By this time, the three of us kept sharing it. (Whomever said Marines don't cry, are full of shit. Either that or they don't know us. There were quiet a few who had to "suck it up" from the ones at the tables, to the Marines in the Sword Detail).

Then, Master Guns had us exchange our rings and pronounced us "Husband and Wife."

Together, Sniper and I walked back down the aisle and through the Arch of Swords, only to get stopped by the Senior man. If you don't know anything about a Military Wedding, I was smacked square on the ass by this man's Sword and told "Welcome to the Marine Corps, mam." He had the most silliest smirk on his face. (Later I let him know, it didn't hurt....wrong thing to tell him, he did it again).

But wait, there is more that transpired the rest of the day. Sniper still had a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Pics came next and we never thought they we end. Just when we thought my father (he was our photographer) was done, there was another round. Finally, we finished, for now.

After Sniper and I walked to our table, with all of our kids sitting with us, there was another card and rose. I opened the card addressed to "Mrs. Sniper." It was my first card and rose as his wife. Damn that man knows how to shower me with his love and is always keeping on my toes.

Sniper and I surrounded the table with our children. At each chair, there was a bear with a necklace for each one of the kids and two jewelry boxes sitting on the table. On each necklace was a charm, a seahorse, with each one's birthstone in the tail. The charm was passed down from Sniper's father and we wanted to continue the tradition. (Before the wedding, Sniper and I decided we wanted to give everyone of our kids and us something to bring us all together, to bring our family together as one). Sniper relayed the story to our kids about where the Seahorse came from and what it means. When then placed the necklace around each one of them (I haven't taken my off).

After dinner came the toast from the "Best Man" (Bubba). He gave the most heartfelt toast I have ever heard:

As Sniper's (better known to me as dad) best man, please join me in a toast to the newlyweds.

Actually, I have no idea why I'm the called the "best man" because as far as I know, no one pays the least bit of attention to a man in my position.

You hear comments such as "Isn't the bride absolutely radiant?" which Dyz you absolutely are.

Or comments like "Isn't the groom handsome?" I'm sure we can all be in total agreement with my dad, as to the truth in that comment.

But do you ever hear anyone saying "Wow, have you noticed the best man, isn't he handsome...." No!!! Of course not, although I know you're all thinking it. I am my father's son after all. (Bubba raised his one eyebrow at this point, just like his dad does).

Family, friends and guests, on a more serious note. Benjamin Franklin once said, "A single man, is an incomplete animal."

Dyz, since you have re-entered my dads life, I have never seen him so happy and centered. Now he seems complete. Your lives blend together so beautifully.

It wasn't an accident that you met and fell in love the 1st time, 16 years ago. Although your lives took different paths and down many, long lonely roads, it was destiny for the two of you to find each other and fall in love a second time. It wouldn't have been any other way.

So we all lift our glasses to you both.....May God bless the broken roads that lead you back to each other.

If you couldn't guess, Sniper and I both cried, just reading it again brings tears to my eyes.

If you didn't know, this came from a 16 year old young man/man who is mature beyond his years. This young man has also held my heart since he was 8 months old. I always felt like he was my own and now I can call him "My SON." That day he stepped up to the plate and came out above and beyond anything I expected. I love you Bubba.

From there, we mingled, took more pictures and then it was time to cut the cake. We both played nice. No smashing cake for either of us, we both had agreed long before this day. Sniper did take a dab of frosting and put it on my nose. He then kissed/licked it off very lovingly and sensual.

Our first dance, was to Brad Paisley's "She's Everything." It was a perfect song. We danced and I felt like we were the only two people in the world. Sniper sang it to me while it played. (Did I tell you he can sing? Well....he can. One more thing you can't tell anyone).

If I can ever figure out how to down load the video of it, I will share it. Duder captured it on our digital camera (I didn't even know how to work that feature). You will cry and at the end you will laugh your ass off. He captured a few things that I didn't realize he caught. Me grabbing Sniper in unnamed places and Sniper giving me a kiss that just about made me take my dress off right there. One of those, he ran his tongue from the top of the twins all the way to my mouth. WOW and oops, kids didn't need to watch that one. (Thank you Duder though from the bottom of my heart. The video captured "Our Love". One that you can feel all the way through the screen).

The rest of the night was what you would expect at a wedding. A lot of people getting shitty ass drunk. There were only a few of us that stayed sober that night and I was one of them. (Sorry Sniper, I knew you were enjoying yourself and don't regret any of it. It was nice to see you relax and enjoy this time with your family and your Marine "Brothers.")

Some of his "Brothers" shared some stories with me that night.

"Crusher 4" gave me something else I never expected, a heart felt thank you for giving and doing something none of them could ever do, see or ever fathomed could happen, only something that I could do. Providing Sniper a sense of security, comfort and a healing hand/heart to him. They are seeing him heal and know it is because of me and "our" love we share. (OK, I cried a lot that night. Some just have a way of melting my heart).

I can't tell you anything else that transpired from there on out. You would have had to been there and somethings, are just between a husband and wife.

I am now a Wife, a Marine Wife, a Wife to the man I dreamed of for so many long lonely nights and a mom to 5 wonderful children. Life hasn't changed though, we are still living several 100's of miles apart and will continue until Sniper retires (more on that to come). I will continue to give you a peak at my life and our life from this side of the fence. The good, the bad and some that most people couldn't handle (but I knew that coming in).

Hopefully, this weekend I will have pics up. My father took them at such a high resolution, that down loading them takes a good 2 minutes each and I will need to convert them to a lower resolution. Don't worry, depending on how I feel, which I probably will, I will try to post them by morning.

Also, I will have to give ya'll a look at the first week all of us are together as a "family." Lots of good stuff. Until then......

Dyzgoneby,
aka Mrs. Sniper
Sniper, I love you my dear husband and am looking forward to the next time I can hold you in my arms. Until then darlin', I will see you in our dreams.

Another Update

2007-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

No more excuses.....I just suck at blogging. I have been thinking about it, just no time. Nothing new there. I want to thank everyone for the condolences and wishes over the last couple of weeks. March was a long month for me and us.

Sniper has been home the last two weeks recovering from surgery. Yes, he finally after 9 months (WIA in May 2006) he had surgery on his shoulder. It's been a long time coming. Way too long if you ask me.

I wasn't there for his surgery and had to wait 2 very long days to see him afterwards. I couldn't take the time off of work (long story, but I would have lost my job).

The first week he stayed in bed most of the time and I took care of him. He hasn't done a whole lot, but rest. Good.

He had a half of inch removed off of his clavicle and a bunch of arthritis cleaned out. He has a four inch incision on the top of his shoulder. The scar and stitches look like someone was drunk when the sewed him up. Drama Queen could have done a better job. He has to wear a sling on his arm for a few weeks and keep it immobilized.

The nerve damage to his fingers is still there (no feeling) and only time will heal that, if ever.

The healing process will take a long time and still no guarantees that it will do anything for him. My opinion, it won't change anything. We foresee in the coming months he will be medically retired.

His shoulder isn't the only reason for him being Medically Retired. I will discuss more at a later time, but the PTSD he has plays into this as well. I have talked about over the last several months, but it hasn't gotten any better. We have both learned how to deal with it and only time will diminish the demons he harbors.

It sucks ass to see he has only 4 years and 10 months to go until retirement. But as he told me, he has given everything for this Country, his Country, our Country and it is time to move on and let another Marine step in.

As for what ever one is wondering and waiting for, we have 2 weeks from today to go and I will be MRS. SNIPER.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

The Plan.....

Thursday, April 19th, Bubba and I are flying down to Southern Cali. We will be meeting up at the airport with Sniper, Dudder and Roo. This will be the first time I have meet Sniper's other two boys. I am excited and nervous.

Friday, Sniper, the three boys and I will spend the morning on base. From there we will run around like crazy doing the last minute stuff for the wedding. That afternoon, Sniper and I will part are ways until the wedding.

Saturday, the wedding.

Sunday, the seven of us (our 5 kids, him and I) will spend the day together as a family. We are planning on taking everyone to the San Diego Zoo and if time permits, showing our kids around Camp Pendleton.

Monday, spending another day running around base. We will be making it legal in the system, me as Sniper's wife. The only exciting part is getting the Military ID for me.

Tuesday, road trip. All seven of us in a car headed back to Northern Cali.....HOME. I don't know how much fun that can be, but we will make the best of it.

The rest of the week will just be enjoying the "Family Life" together. It will be the first time all of us have been under one roof.

Sniper and I decided months ago we wanted our first week together, instead of a honeymoon for the two of us, to be about "our" family.

Dyzgoneby
14 days, 4 hours and 3 minutes to go until Sniper and I are "one" and I will be Mrs. Sniper.

Tired

2007-03-10T08:25:00.001-08:00

Over the last two weeks, life has been very draining and has me thinking a lot about life. My life, Sniper's life, our life, life with the Marine Corps, and just life in general.

I lost my grandmother over a week ago. She was 77 and had been very ill a very long time, but I didn't see this coming. Isn't family supposed to be indestructible and you live forever? I of all people should know you can't live forever. My grandmother wanted to die. She was tired, tired of being so sick, tired of living in a wheel chair, tired of the family bickering, just plain tired.

She left behind her Soul mate and I am going to tell you a story.

Years ago, I would go over to my Nana's house and talk to her about my soul mate, my one and only true love, Sniper (this was years ago before we rekindled our relationship). She started talking to me about her "Soul mate" and the only man she ever loved. Nope it wasn't my grandfather (he was an asshole, more on that later). She fell in love with this man when she was a young woman. The problem was (I just found this out yesterday) her mom told him to leave her alone, he was too old for her (there are a few years apart). He left. She met my grandfather, married him, had two sons and moved out here to California, never to return.

After my grandfather died, she started to think about Harry more and more. He was always in her heart. But, after I started talking about how short life is, how much I loved this man (Sniper), she knew she had to find Harry. I had inspired her to find him. They had been together ever since.....Until now.

About 8 or 9 years ago, we were all at my son's birthday party and she whispered in my ear, "Harry and I are married" and showed me the ring he gave her. "Not really married, but none the less, we are married in our hearts." She didn't tell my dad or uncle first, but me. She and I both shared that bond of loving a man from a distance and she made her dreams come true. Now it was my turn (we all know it took me a few more years before mine became a reality).

My grandfather.... see my grandfather was a WWII vet. He earned a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. A Purple Heart that ended his career in the Military. I remember my grandfather being a very mean spirtted man. Very angry. He drank too much and was just plain mean. I never had a happy memory with that man. I didn't like him at all and didn't give a fuck when he died. I know this sounds cold and heartless, but none the less, this is how I feel. I look back now with all that Sniper and I have been thru and realize maybe it has to do with his "Time in Hell." I will never know.

Because my Nana was still receiving his VA benefits, never worked a day in her life, she couldn't marry Harry. She had no other income. This broke my heart, but I understood. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place. But to me she was married to Harry, her True love, her soul mate.

It was so hard yesterday, to watch that man say goodbye to his "Soul mate." It broke and shattered my heart.

At the service, the minister kept referring this man as her "Life long Friend." That pissed me off. He was and is more than that and I realized, I was the only one to see this.

See Harry didn't sit up front with us. He sat in the second row. At the church, I never asked why. I just reached behind me and held his hand. Not my dad, not my uncle, but the man that meant more than life itself to my Nana. After the Church service, I went up and held onto him, not anyone else. I told him, I knew that she loved him more than anything and that he was her soul mate.

We went out to the Grave sight and Harry, again, sat in the second row. I couldn't let this continue, it wasn't right. I sat with him. I then asked him why he wasn't sitting where he belonged. He told me,"That's for family." I looked at him and told him, "YOU ARE FAMILY! You are her soul mate and the one she should have been married to all these years. She was your wife" I stayed with him. My father, his wife and my uncle sat in the first row.

As they lowered her into the ground, he kept yelling over and over again, "I don't want to be alone, I don't want you to be alone, I love you my dear Marcella" as the tears streamed down his face and mine too. I will always remember those words.

We talked later on, and he said "Nana was looking forward to my wedding." The day I married my true love.

I too wish she could have seen the day, when I look into Sniper's eyes and say "I do."

Nana, I promise you, I will never take my soul mate, my true love for granted. I will love him like there is know tomorrow. I will cherish him and love him unconditionally. Not because I would anyways, but also because we inspired each other to find our "Soul mates" and make the most of life in the short amount of time we have here. I love you.

Dyzgoneby

MIB...Who? Me

2007-02-25T09:45:00.001-08:00

Well, we all know over the last few months (ok several months) I have been MIB (Missing in Blogging). As I said on my last post, LIFE has been CHAOTIC and that is a understatement.

We moved into our home a few weeks ago (earlier than planned) and it has been wonderful. We both love the house. It has sooo much room for all of us to move around in and not one of us has to been in the same room, not that we would do that.

Sniper has been home a couple of weekends in the last month. I feel sorry for him. He has been putting in some quick weekend road trips and busting his ass around here, just to return back to work Monday mornings. Thanks to him, we are all moved in, completely unpacked, house decorated and just in enjoying home life. He has taken care of everything. EVERYTHING! This is just the norm for him, taking care of his baby (me) and his family.

We both are getting very used to (and it's hard to say good bye after the weekends) being around each other and the family life we enjoy together. Having both of are families in our home, kids galore (and then some) and us. We been doing quite a bit of entertainment and have yet to have really any quite time together. Unless you count when we finally go to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

Someday this will be the norm and we all will be living under one roof full time and not just on the weekends.

As I have said before, until he has his surgery and is medically cleared to put in for recruiting duty, this life we live in now, will have to continue on (weekends ever so often). At the rate we/he is going it probably won't happen until early next year. Oh, and it looks like his surgery won't be until sometime in April (unless there is a cancellation in March). Way too close to the wedding. Hopefully that means he will have convalescent leave during our wedding and won't have to take any "leave" time (trying to find something positive out of it).

As for the wedding....

The wedding is just 55 days to go (April 21st) and I will be Mrs. Sniper. YEAH!!!! I can't wait. Even though he completed most of the preparations back in December, there is still so much to do. What we have left to do is have my dress altered, wait for the girls dresses to come in, buy his trousers, have the boys fitted for their tuxes, a huge Costco run, get the invitations out (lagging on this one), finalize all the last minute details, finish writing my vows.......there's more, but I can't think straight.

Well off to enjoy the last few hours with Sniper and "our" family, before he makes that road trip to work.

Dyzgoneby,
Longing for the day when we don't have to say see ya in a few weeks (or several weeks).

My Birthday

2007-02-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Just another day. Another day I would like to forget. Partly because I am few short years away from 40. Boy am I feeling it.

But, the biggest reason....one year ago today, Sniper was hurt by the IED explosion.

Yes, I know, everyone is told me (including Sniper), I need to get over it and not let the day depress me, but it does. I need to not think about it and cherish life. Believe me I do, more than most will ever fathom.

However, I have watched him for the last several months go through the torments and the demons he harbors. I watch him sleep, well try to sleep. I watch when he does sleep, the demons he fights. I watch the nightmares come all to quick. I watch his quick temper. I watch him struggle to deal with him trying to understand why he is still alive, safe and sound, home with his family and the other Marine is still in a hospital. The other Marine never to return to his wife and family the way he was when he deployed. I watch his frustrations he deals with on a daily basis.

I watch helpless...nothing I can do.

I know this wasn't the only time he was hurt, blew up in an IED explosion and another Marine with him was hurt or killed, but this one hit close to home for me.This one I saw with my own two eyes.

So, this is a day I would like to forget, though I am extremely grateful I have Sniper home safe and sound. Well at least on US soil.......

dyzongeby

Chaotic Life

2007-02-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

That sums up our life right now. So much is going on and I have had little to no time to write. Finally after running ragged the last month, I have a few hours to relax. Here is where I come to....

When Sniper was here, we both decided we NEEDED a bigger house. This house was way too small for all of us. Too many kids, not enough rooms, plus extra friends and family here. So, Sniper spent his time looking for a home for us. After he narrowed the list down to a few, he then took me out to look at them. The very last one we looked at, we both fell in love with it. It is absolutely beautiful (I will share pics soon).

It is a 3100 sq ft, 5 bedroom, 3 full baths, game room, 3 car garage, a huge kitchen to die for (if you knew how to cook or even like to, I guess I will be learning too), a master closet the size of a bedroom, a pantry bigger than most bathrooms and a 6 jet jacuzzi tub calling our name. Tonight I picked up the keys and we move in, in 8 days. OMG, do I need to get off my ass and pack this house. Sniper will be back here the weekend of the 10th (my birthday weekend) with a few of other Marines to move us.

What else has kept us busy.....

I have been studying and finally took my Series 66 test and passed it (I failed it the first time around in November). Yeah me!!!! I am waiting until either March or May to take the last one. Not sure yet if I want to do it before of after the wedding....

The Wedding? Still running around like crazy and trying to get everything finished for it. I have been lagging in this department. I still have lots of shopping to do. We are down to 2 1/2 months or 11 weeks or 79 days. WOW, it's coming quick.....Please come faster, I can't wait much longer.

Sniper found out yesterday he is definitely having surgery on his shoulder. It has only been 10 months since he was WIA.....not bad. But wait, he won't be able to schedule surgery until mid February for a date of either March or April.....very close to the wedding. At this rate it will be almost a year after he was hurt. UUGGGHHH!!!! Very frustrating. Especially since until he is medically cleared, he won't be able to even put in for recruiting orders. That puts him home here.....if we are lucky..... the end of the year. YIPPY!!! Nothing like being married, yet still living 100's of miles apart. Then again, there is no guarantee that surgery will even "fix" his shoulder and he won't be medically retired after everything is said and done. More frustrations.

So as you can see, life has been a little on the chaotic side around here. It's all for the good, just a little crazy.

This weekend will be the first time since Sniper has been home from Iraq, that I am not traveling or he is not traveling to see the other one. This has been the longest we have gone without seeing each other (yes, I am whining....I am allowed to). Under normal circumstances, I would have left tomorrow for the weekend, but thanks to the fact that I have to pack, I won't be going anywhere. It has left me feeling a little on the empty side though. No kids, no Sniper, just me.......It has left me wondering what to do with myself. I know....pack. YUCKY, that one sucks ass.

If I was in the new house I would just grab a glass of wine, light the candles, climb into our jacuzzi tub and sit back and relax. I guess that will have to wait a few more weeks.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I can't wait to see you on my birthday weekend. And yes, I am trying to not let it bother me, even though it does. I look in your eyes and see all that you have been through because of that day. Yes, I know there are other days, that have a similar feel to it, but this one just hit very close to my heart with you. Maybe next year will be easier on the both of us. I love you with all my heart, body and soul.

You Know What Sucks Ass

2007-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

Passing your Series 66, one of the few big milestones in your life and not having the love of your life to celebrate with. Yep, YIPPY FUCKING EH!!!! And yes I am being sarcastic.

I again get to celebrate.....are you ready......BY MYSELF. The sad part is, I am being to realize nothing is going to change for a long time, A VERY LONG LONG TIME. There is nothing I can do about it, this is the life I choose and the man I love just happens to live a few hundred miles away.

dyzgoneby

Enjoying Life

2007-01-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning, Sniper is asleep behind me, Bubba is asleep in the other room and Lego Man and Drama Queen are with there dad. All is good. I have my family all around me.

The last few weeks have been exceptionally wonderful (Sniper is here for a few weeks on leave).

It has been grand to wake-up in the morning in Sniper's arms. Kiss his lips before I leave for work and have his comforting arms to come home to. Come home and have my family around me. The love of my life and my kids. To come home and spend time doing just normal family things. You know, cook dinner, do homework, clean-up, spend quality "Family" time "together."

I can tell you, since Sniper has been home, I have not been as lazy as I have been the last few months. Having him home has kicked my ass. He has kept me running. To the point, I have been falling asleep by 2000 (even on a Saturday night). A big part of that, I believe, I am feeling completely safe and secure with him here.

I know this will be short lived and the next few weeks will fly by, but I am going to revel in it while I can. I am not going to think about at the end of the month, life going back to the way it has been for the last few years. The way life will continue on for the next few/several months. I am going to be positive, think positive and just enjoy the "here and now."

Then pray for the following months to fly by. At least until April when I again will revel in the "us" time again and the day we say "I do" and finally become "Husband and Wife."

Until then, I am just "Enjoying Life" with the man of my dreams and our family.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you forever and a day!

IED Changes Lives of Survivors

2007-01-03T05:48:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning, searched my emails and came across this piece, IED Changes Lives of Survivors, through Military.com. Go read it.

So many will never understand the aftermaths of what it is like to "Survive." The article talks about surviving once through an IED, but what about those Marines and Soldiers that have survived multiple times through these incidents. Those who have been there and the families and loved ones who are forever changed.

The "Survivor's Guilt" will always be there.

Sniper has lived with so much through his Career, 15 years. Deploying to Iraq twice and Somalia all those years ago. Can you imagine for just a moment what it is like to live with the demons that he will harbor the rest of his life? Can you even fathom what it is like to live and watch someone go through all of this?

A week ago, we were sleeping in bed and I woke-up to Sniper's arms wrapped around my neck. I sat there for a minute, trying to decipher WTF was going on. It didn't take long and then I layed there and watched a scene play out that he went through and was reliving all over again. His eyes were wide open and I heard some of the conversation he was having with his Marines. Just for the record, he never hurt me, I was just in the way of his "mission." His dream was an animated one. One where I watched him relive the IED blast, that forever changed him and another Marine. I watched him yell out for another Marine that will never enjoy life again. I saw other things that transipered that I never knew happened.

When he finally woke, I just layed there and held him...and he held me. I started to clam up with what I saw, but finally let my emotions out on how I was feeling. I layed in his arms and just cried. We talked about it. This was the first time I didn't shut him out on my side of the emotions or him with me.

Neither of us did fall back to sleep that night. We had only been sleeping 28 minutes. Oh yah and this was Christmas Eve.

As I sit here and type this, I watch Sniper sleep behind me. Sleep that comes so rare for him. I watch him a lot on those occasions he does sleep. Wondering what is going through his head. Just waiting for the next dream or should I say return trip to hell for him.

Life is never an easy road, but the Road traveled for a Marine is an even more agonizingly difficult one. It reminds me of one of the sayings I hear a lot:

"For those who protect it, FREEDOM has a taste the protected will NEVER know!"

Dyzgoneby
Traveling the Road of Life with A Marine who is looking to find his way back home.

A little More Venting

2007-01-01T12:20:00.001-08:00

On my last post I mentioned Sniper's shoulder. You know, the injury that happened back in May of 2006 while he was in Iraq. I am so extremely frustrated with the way him and other vets/active Military are treated.

Nine months later and he is still not any where near getting any better or any answers as to WTF is going on with it.

He finally 2 weeks ago saw the neurologist (it took months to get this appointment). The good news is there is no nerve damage, but (you knew that was coming) the feeling in his fingers may take a few YEARS to come back. Years? WTF is he supposed to do in the mean time? Where does that leave him when he eventually retires? What about his next career?

OK, so he went back to the orthopedic (last Friday). What did he do for him? Shot him up with another round of Cortisone in his shoulder. IT DIDN'T FUCKING HELP! All it did was make his shoulder more sore and tender. Now he can't move it again.....

Next stop, see a surgeon. I am not holding my breath on this one either. I bet he won't be in to see him until March. Just my measly opinion. You know us civilians don't know jack shit.

So where does this leave him with his career? Ummm waiting for someone to get there head out of there ass. He is now sitting on a limited duty board. Not able to do anything. Absolutely nothing....Just staying put right where he is at (this most likely includes recruiting duty).

For how long you ask?

Not sure. Either until the end of June or the figure out what the fuck is wrong with it.

Can you see my frustration here? It has taken nine very long months to get absolutely no where. If he was seeing civilian docs, I would have fired them a long time ago. Oh wait, it is run by a bunch of civilian docs who don't give a flying fuck about him or anyone else. Just a bunch of lip service.

BULLSHIT!!!!

I just love the way are guys are treated. I am so sick and tired of all the bullshit. I just want Sniper's shoulder to feel better. For him to stop wincing in pain every time he moves his arm. For him to have the feeling back in his fingers.

UUUUGGGGGGG!!!!

Do you see any other dilemma here? We are getting married in April and at the rate things are going we will be spending the first few months of marriage still living apart....THAT FUCKING SUCKS ASS!!!!!

Positive side? At least we will be MARRIED.....Have to think positive or I am going to explode.

Dyzgoneby
I am starting to realize Military Life can suck ASS!!!!!!

Happy New Year and an Update

2007-01-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

I want to wish the few of you that are still around a wonderfully HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know I keep saying I will blog more, but my life has been complicated and hectic the last few months. I have lots of stuff going on in my head. Things I want to blog about. I just know most people don't want to keep hearing me complain about all the bullshit going on in my life and Sniper's. It is hard not to vent though here. I have done that for so long.

Last night was a extremely lonely one for the two of us. Both of us separated by hundreds of miles. Sniper had duty yesterday and I had the kids at home, hence the miles apart. However, he should be here sometime in the next 24 hours for the next few weeks. That is a positive.

Sniper was here for Christmas though. YEAH!!!! We had a wonderfully, busy four days together. Lots of family and friends surrounded us.

Christmas Eve we ended up driving almost all the way to Tahoe. What you ask for? No, it wasn't to get married (that's in 3/12 months away). Santa had to deliver snow to the kids. Several of us drove up the hill to load up 3 trucks and 3 trailers full of snow. I took a few pics of the event.

Wingman, Bubba and Sniper....Boy was it a little exhausting. However I learned a few things that night....Do not take pics with flashes without forewarning those around you who had been to Iraq. It was a very long, animated, sleepless night. I felt like shit......

Here is a one of my favorite pics from Christmas.....

Sniper, Bubba & I accidentally feel asleep. Wingman, Drama Queen & Lego Man got a kick out of this one.

This year will be a GREAT YEAR for us. This will be the year Sniper & I are married. The year our FAMILY becomes ONE. The next few months will be even crazier and more hectic, but I can't wait until the end result. Being one with Sniper. Bring on April.

Where will we live? Where will the Marine Corps take him? There is so much uncertainty now more than ever. A lot will depend on his shoulder. That is a whole long post in itself. One that I am pissed beyond belief on. He is not any closer on the answers (9 months later) than the day after he was WIA. I will let ya'll in soon.

Again, I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart, body and soul!

Bringing the Corpsman Home

2006-12-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

*Tissue Alert~I came across this the other morning and I wanted to share it with ya'll. Please never forget this Christmas Season, those who have given the ultimate sacrifice and their families.

Battlefield's 'Doc' now in a nation's care, Brought home by his best friend, lost medic unites perfect strangers

The skinny sailor sat in the Philadelphia airport terminal in his deep-blue dress uniform, cracking his knuckles, shifting in his seat, waiting for his best friend.

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5216457,00.html

By Jim Sheeler, Rocky Mountain News
December 15, 2006

A woman from the airline walked over and motioned for him to follow. She saw the nervous look on the sailor's face and stopped.

"Wait," she said. "Is this your first time doing this?"

"Yes, ma'am," the 22 year-old said, his voice cracking.

"Well, unfortunately, it's not the first time for me," she said. "Not even the first time this week."

She led him toward the gate and gave him a soft smile.

"You'll do fine," she said.

Inside the airport, the public-address system pumped out Peggy Lee's Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. A nearby group of passengers loaded up their ski clothes, readying for a vacation. Suit-and-tied businessmen with premier privileges watched as the sailor was led in front of them all.

None of them knew his mission.

On board the nearly empty plane, a flight attendant was one of the first to shake his hand.

"I understand you're escorting today," he said. "Is this the fella from Longmont? I live in Boulder. I've been reading about him in the papers."

"Yes, sir," the sailor said in a warbled voice that sounded like an eighth-grader.

"I'm sure you'll do yourself and your service proud," the flight attendant said.

After speaking with the crew, the pilot walked over and offered his hand.

"I understand he was your friend," the captain said.

"I'm sorry."

The sailor nodded. He carried his soft, white hat in his hands. The patch on his left shoulder signified his status as a Navy hospital corpsman.

The captain then looked at one of the crew members.

"Are there any seats in first class? I'd like to bring him up here."

After the sailor stowed his bags, the woman from the terminal walked him back out to the jetway, where he waited as the other passengers boarded the plane. As they filed past, some stole glances at him, some smiled at him, and he tried to smile back.

As the sailor waited, another flight attendant, a Vietnam veteran, walked over.

"Hello," he said, grasping the sailor's hand. "Thirty years ago, they didn't say thank you to us. I wanted to say thank you now."

The sailor nodded again and managed a grin. Then the chief of the ground crew opened the door to the stairs that led to the tarmac.

"OK," he said. "We're ready."

In cardboard box, a casket

Underneath a whining jet engine near the rear cargo hold, baggage workers lifted the tarp on a cart, and the sailor swallowed hard. He checked to see if the name on the cardboard box matched that of his best friend.

An American flag was printed atop the box, which encased the polished hardwood casket, protecting it during transit from Dover Air Force Base to the airport, and then to Denver, where the box would be removed before anyone saw it. On each end, the box was stamped with a large official seal of the Department of Defense.

The last time Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class John Dragneff saw his friend was the same day Hospital Corpsman Christopher Anderson left for Iraq. They talked endlessly that day, about taking care of each other's families, about taking care in general. That was, after all, what they had in common.

Often in restaurants, the waitperson would ask the sailors, "Are you brothers?" The first few times, they laughed it off. After a while, they started answering without hesitation, "Yes."

The two men had met at field medical training school, and they clicked right away. They soon studied together, went to the beach in Camp Lejeune, N.C., where Anderson surfed, and just generally hung out, talking about where life was headed for both of them.

More recently, they spent time talking about what it meant to hold somebody's life in your hands — and to lose it.

Tuesday afternoon, the young sailor stood on the chilly tarmac in Philadelphia. As the casket made its way up the conveyor belt, he snapped to attention, grasping his hands into fists, thumbs at the seams of his pants, trying to squeeze back the tears.

His eyes emptied as he brought his hand to his face in a salute, which he tried to hold steady until the casket disappeared into the plane's belly.

As he turned, the sailor's face melted, and he walked into the embrace of Pamela Andrus, the United Airlines service director. The ground manager took his other side, supporting him.
"I'm so sorry," Andrus said.

Together, they walked back up the stairs, into the plane, where a cheery flight attendant came over with several tissues plucked from the lavatory.

"You can cry," Christine Sullivan told him. "All of us want to send our love and blessings to you and be here for you.

"You're going to do great."

Corpsmen have long history

On Dec. 4, Chief Hospital Corpsman Kip Poggemeyer wasn't supposed to be in his office at Buckley Air Force Base in Aurora. It was his day off, but the 37 year-old was busy trying to finish medical reports that would send another batch of Navy reservists from Colorado to Afghanistan.

Only last year, the Navy corpsman had returned from Marine Corps Air Station Al Asad in Iraq, the closest medical base to some of the heaviest fighting in the country — a base that shook with mortar attacks 26 times during his deployment.

Within his first week, he saw massive combat wounds while performing the same job that his grandfather held during World War II, the same job he knew he wanted since he was a little boy.
The history of the Navy hospital corpsman dates back to the Spanish-American War. The Marines needed a field medic, and looked to the Navy to provide one.

According to Navy historian and Hospital Corpsman Mark Hacala, the Navy hospital corpsman has provided front-line medical care that has saved countless lives on the battlefields of every conflict since, earning a disproportionate share of accolades and awards and suffering a similarly large percentage of casualties.

Despite both services living under the umbrella of the Navy, Marines and sailors hold an intense traditional rivalry. When new hospital corpsmen are assigned to Marine units, the Marines may tease them as "squids" — or worse. Still, the hospital corpsmen have to learn to think, act and react with the speed of their Marine unit.

When a hospital corpsman is first attached to a unit, the Marines will call them by their last name, or maybe just "corpsman." Eventually — only when corpsmen earn the Marines' respect — they earn the nickname "Doc."

"The first time they call you 'Doc,' it's like, 'Yes! I have arrived,' " Poggemeyer said. "It makes you feel like you're part of the team."

Once the fighting begins, the corpsman's duty is usually one of the riskiest — carrying their own weapon along with medical gear.

The Marines say they will take a bullet for the corpsman, because he's the only one who can take it out.

"If they yell, 'Corpsman up,' they know Doc is going to be right there," Poggemeyer said. "When the Marines call you 'Doc,' you know you'll never let them down, you'll never leave their side. That bond between a Marine and a Navy corpsman is something that will last forever. We call them 'My Marines' — they call us 'My Doc.' "

Somewhere near Ramadi on Dec. 4, Christopher Anderson's Marines called on their Doc. Details of the attack have not been released by the military, other than the information Poggemeyer received in his office that afternoon.

"They told me it was a corpsman, KIA (killed in action) in Ramadi from a mortar attack. . . . It brought back all the memories," he said. "I had come full circle. I was in Iraq and saw people die. But I had never seen this side."

That afternoon, Poggemeyer and another casualty-assistance officer met the Navy chaplain in Longmont. The chief carried with him a sheet with the name of 24-year-old Hospital Corpsman Christopher A. Anderson — and his parents' address in Longmont.

Together, the sailors drove to the modest home with an American flag flying from the porch, and another special flag in the window.

After they parked the government sport-utility vehicle at 5:30 p.m., Poggemeyer saw the blue-star flag, signifying the family had a loved one overseas.

"Doc Anderson," it said underneath the star.

"When I saw that, my heart just sank," he said. "My mom and dad had one of those flags up while I was gone. My wife had one up."

Still, he made his way to the door.

"I pushed the doorbell," he said, "and I felt like a horse kicked me in the stomach."

Debra Anderson opened the door and saw the men in uniform.

"Oh, honey," she said with a smile, calling to her husband.

"The sailors are here. The recruiters are here."

Rick Anderson came to the stairs and his face paled. A former Navy SEAL, he recognized the uniforms.

"Honey, we need to sit down," he said.

"These aren't recruiters."

With service came emotion

In the first-class section of United Airlines Flight 271 from Philadelphia to Denver, the sailor looked through a booklet called Manual for Escorts of Deceased Naval Personnel.

"It's weird. I think back, and I was never an emotional-type person until I joined the military," Dragneff said. "In the past, I've had relatives who died, but I never really cried. I guess that since I've been in, it all means a lot more."

He thought back to one of the last times he saw his friend, Chris, when they went to visit Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial Day, and Dragneff found the grave of a sailor he had trained with.

"When we went out to Arlington, standing there, I just started crying, and I couldn't understand why. I didn't really know the guy that well," Dragneff said.

"Chris just grabbed me and hugged me and let me sit there and cry. As we were walking away, a man walked up and shook my hand and said, 'Thank you.' So then, Chris started to cry. So there were just the three of us standing there, crying.

"A few minutes later, just trying to cheer me up, he made up some story about a squirrel on crack. Just like that. He could make you smile."

Dragneff was the responsible one, relatively shy, the designated driver who didn't drink or smoke. He was the one happy in a sweat shirt and jeans, while Anderson would change clothes five times before going out, a neatnik who splurged on Armani and Ralph Lauren.

At 6-foot-2 inches tall, with short-cropped, jet-black hair and hazel eyes, the muscular, outgoing 24-year-old never lacked in self-confidence.

"Damn, I look good," he wrote on one of the photos displayed on his

MySpace.com account. On the Web site, Dragneff posted regular updates about his friend while he was in Iraq. He was also the one to inform them of Chris' death.

"Dec 5 2006 12:56P," he wrote.

"Christopher Anderson, you weren't a 'real' brother, but you were still my brother. A person could not ask for a better friend or brother. You will be greatly missed. Love your brother, John.
"Rest in peace."

Brother gets a phone call

On the evening of Dec. 4, Kyle Anderson wound through the remote roads of Weld County, making his regular rounds in his Schwan's food-delivery truck, when he realized he had a message on his cell phone.

"It was my dad, saying that he had a problem and he needed my help, and that he wanted me to come home right away," he said.

The 22-year-old shook his head.

"My dad is a Navy SEAL. There's nothing he can't handle. I knew something was wrong," Anderson said.

"When I called back, the first thing I said was, 'Is my brother alive?' And he said 'No.' "
He hung up the phone.

On the other end of the line, his parents worried. The notification team offered to go and pick up the young man who was now their only son.

When Kyle called back, his parents asked him to pull over, saying the sailors would meet him to help drive back. He parked his truck at the intersection of Interstate 25 and Colorado 66, and waited, crying alone in the dark.

"It was so surreal. I wondered, 'Is this really happening?' " he said. "As I waited longer, I thought, 'Maybe they won't show up. Maybe it's not real.' "

When the government SUV arrived, Kyle dropped his head.

"It was about 25 degrees outside, and we were standing on the side of I-25 telling him about his brother," Poggemeyer said. "And giving him hugs."

Once back at the home in Longmont, the family talked to the notification officers about their son, breathing life into the name on the casualty list.

"We spoke to him on Dec. 3," his father said. "He talked about the Christmas presents he wanted us to buy for a neighbor, and that he wanted us to send out Christmas cards for him."
At his funeral service today in Longmont, the family plans to hand out their son's Christmas cards to everyone who attends.

He asked that the card end with a single phrase: "Please Remember Our Troops!!!!"

Fourth-generation serviceman

When Christopher Anderson enlisted in the Navy in 2005, the Longmont High School graduate became the fourth generation in his family to do so. At boot camp, he was voted the "honor graduate" in his class. After that, he wanted to excel in everything.

Before he left for Iraq, Christopher and his father mined military supply shops, looking for any equipment that might help him in the field. He looked for anything that might help him blend in with the Marines, since he knew corpsmen were prime targets.

"I have to be able to do this in the dark," he told his father.

In Iraq, he asked to be stationed with the front-line Marines and was assigned to a 12-man unit. One of his first tasks was to memorize each Marine's medical records. His medical expertise stretched beyond his unit to the Iraqi people, who would talk to him "because he was 'the dictor' (as the Iraqis called him). "There were times that nobody would talk to anyone except him," Rick Anderson said.

Once, he told his parents, an angry crowd had mobilized, but it was quashed when a woman recognized the corpsman and stepped in.

"She said, 'This is the one who helped my baby,' " Rick Anderson said, "And that dispersed the group, and everything was OK."

After some of his weekly early morning calls home, it was impossible for the couple to fall back asleep.

"One time, he called us at 5 a,m. My wife heard some funny noises and heard shouts of 'Where's that coming from? Where's that coming from?' " Rick Anderson remembered.

The Andersons, still in bed, listening with the phone between them, heard gunfire.

"I'm going to stay down here," he told them. "I'll just belly-crawl down the hallway so I can talk to you."

In one mortar attack, he was blown across a room, bruising him. Not long afterward, after another attack, he was in the back of a Humvee, his hands covered with his sergeant's blood, speeding toward a field hospital, tying tourniquets and offering encouragement.

"The sergeant told him, 'Tell my wife and kids I love them.' He told him he wouldn't need to do that, while he was pinching off an artery because the tourniquet came loose," his father said.
That sergeant is now recovering at Walter Reed Army Hospital, the family said, and plans to attend Anderson's burial at Arlington National Cemetery on Dec. 21.

Before he left, Christopher and his father talked about the possibility that he wouldn't return, and Christopher had asked for a burial at Arlington.

He had only one other request:

"If something happens," he told his father, "I want John there."

Word spreads through plane

At 31,000 feet, the word slowly slipped through the plane about the sailor in first class — and his mission.

When the passengers found out, their emotions spanned the debate that continues to split the country. Some cursed President Bush by name. Others cursed anyone who says they support the troops without supporting the war. Despite their political leanings, they all said they appreciated the sailor that most of them called "the kid" in the front of the plane — and, even more, the one in the cargo hold beneath them.

Seat 33F, Patrick Mondile, Philadelphia:

"I look at my own situation — I'm 24 years old. I think about, it very well could have been me, if I'd chosen that path. I have friends over there right now," Mondile said. "I don't understand why we're there (in Iraq), but I feel for the families — not just for this soldier, but the thousands who have died."

Seat 14A, Pam Anderson, New Jersey:

"God bless him. God bless him," she said of the sailor in first class. "If he wants any free hugs, just send him back here," the 62 year-old said. "I'm serious. I'm completely serious. I joined the Air Force as a flight nurse, and my squadron is taking a lot of men and women out of the field right now."

Seats 8D, 8E, Dave and Lindy Powell, Monument:

"To me, it's a sense of honor. We didn't know him, but he's part of the Colorado family. We're from Monument. So he's part of our family, too," Dave Powell said.

"Our nephew is a C-130 pilot who's flying into Iraq and Afghanistan. Kids in my Scout troop joined the Marines and went right to Baghdad."

His voice broke.

"They all came home safely."

Seat 22D, Terry Musgrove, Ontario, Ore.:

"If we don't support them, then it's going to embolden the terrorists," he said, fuming as he spoke about a new poll indicating that support for the war is declining. Before the flight took off, he was the only passenger to shake the skinny sailor's hand at the terminal.

"It breaks my heart to know that he's on the plane. I had no idea," he said, as he began to cry.

"But I'm proud to tell you, I'm proud."

Seat 16F, Michael Lipkin, Aspen

"I think it's extremely sobering. This is a war where few of us have family and friends over there, and despite the fact that it dominates the media, I think most of us don't feel the cost, the real cost of this war. And we're going to be paying it for a long time," Lipkin said.

"I'm just chilled that that body is on here."

Inside the cabin, flight attendant Christine Sullivan walked back after visiting with the sailor again.

"It just makes it real," she said. "It's separated from politics at this point. It's just about the humanity."

Airline pilot pays tribute

As the plane began its initial descent, Captain George Gil's voice crackled over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, pardon the interruption, but if I could have your attention," he said, and then paused.

"The great song from Francis Scott Key says that to live in the land of the free, it must also be the home of the brave. Today, we're bringing home two brave men: Petty Officer 3rd Class John Dragneff, and, in great sadness, a fallen hero, Hospitalman Christopher Anderson."

He asked the passengers to let Dragneff off first to meet the casket, then addressed the escort:
"Please know that our prayers and blessings are with you and the family. Thank you for your courage."

A phalanx of pallbearers

As the plane taxied to the gate at Denver International Airport on Tuesday evening, the passengers saw the flashing lights of the police cars, the hearse parked on the tarmac, and they spoke in hushed whispers.

As Dragneff left the plane, a phalanx of pallbearers — three Marines and three sailors — walked toward the plane, for the sailor who died saving Marines.

Inside the belly of the plane, ramp workers removed the cardboard box protecting the casket, while sailors arranged the American flag.

The family embraced as the casket was lowered on the conveyor belt. Some of the plane's passengers watched from their windows. Some watched from the windows inside the terminal.
The pallbearers loaded the casket into the hearse, and Dragneff hugged the family before climbing into the passenger's seat.

As the motorcade made its way toward Longmont, the three sailors who served as pallbearers jumped into a white van, which pulled in behind the limousines.

As they left the airport, police officers and firemen stood in salutes, bathed in the flashing emergency lights.

"This is so cool that they do this," said Storekeeper 3rd Class Ben Engelman. "This is so amazing."

At the Erie and Dacono exit, firetrucks and ambulances, lights flashing, were parked on the overpass. As the procession turned toward Longmont, the lights burned even brighter.
"He deserves this. He was doing good," said Petty Officer Rick Lopez.

On Colorado 66, cars pulled over, along with firefighters, who continued to salute.
Then there was Longmont's Main Street.

At 20th Avenue and Main, the flags began. Kids holding plastic flags, Korean War veterans holding worn American flags, bandana-clad Vietnam veterans holding POW/MIA flags.

At 18th and Main, groups held candles and signs. "God Bless Your Son. Thank You." A boy held his candle to his mother's to light it, as the hearse passed.

At 17th and Main, hands over hearts. Hats over hearts.

"Dude, this is giving me chicken skin," Lopez said, shivering. "I've never seen anything like this."
At 15th and Main, people came out of a restaurant to watch the procession. Police cars with blue lights and medical cars with red lights shone on the Christmas decorations wrapping the trees of downtown.

Outside, it was about 40 degrees. Still, the crowds continued to line the streets. More children with wobbly salutes. A woman in a walker. A couple that embraced in a hug as soon as the hearse passed.

They drove in silence for a few minutes, then Lopez spoke again.

"You know," he said, "sometimes I wish they would do this for us when we come home alive."

A 'smile in his voice'

Inside the funeral home, a few feet from her son's flag-draped casket, Debra Anderson held tight to a single photo.

"I had to have my picture of my smiling Christopher," she said, staring at it, then at the casket.
While Christopher was deployed, his parents talked with him at least once a week — mostly for only a few minutes. The last time they spoke, the day before he died, he ended his conversation the way he always did, telling his parents, "I love you."

"You could hear his smile in his voice, you could hear it on the phone," his father said. "He was going back to work, back to do his job, back to doing what he wanted to do."

Inside the funeral home, Debra Anderson leaned into her husband of 26 years, wiping her face with a tissue.

"My boy, my boy," she said. "Christopher said he'd be OK. He promised he'd be safe, Rick — he PROMISED me. I miss him. I miss the phone calls. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him."

"Hey," Rick Anderson said softly, "now we can talk to him anytime we want."

"Ooooh," she moaned. "My heart hurts. My heart hurts. It was my job to take care of him. I shouldn't have let him go. I shouldn't have let him go."

"You were going to stop Christopher?" his father asked. "Since when?"

They both managed a smile, and their eyes again fell on the casket.

As the family told Christopher stories from chairs in a corner of the room, Kyle Anderson stood at the foot of the casket, refusing to leave his place, patting his hand on the rough, wrinkled flag.
The brothers had grown up as opposites — Christopher the well-dressed go-getter, Kyle the rebel who shopped at thrift stores. They fought like most brothers fight. Sometimes, they fought worse than most brothers fight.

Since his brother's death, Kyle now says, they talk all the time.

As the family continued to share stories, sniffling and laughing, Kyle Anderson refused to move from the casket.

"Why don't you come over here with us?" Rick Anderson asked him. "Why are you standing there all alone?"

Kyle looked at his father, his eyes red, and patted the casket again.

"I'm not alone," he said.

More than 16 hours after John Dragneff's day began, the skinny sailor walked into the room, after finishing his final paperwork, and handed Christopher's parents a condolence card.

"Instead of saying, 'I'm sorry for your loss,' I wanted to say 'thank you' for Christopher. We claimed each other as brothers."

"You did good, John," Rick Anderson said. "You did good."

As they sat together in the quiet room dominated by the casket, Debra Anderson grasped the young man's hand and looked into his eyes.

"I'm glad you came with him. It's what he wanted. You did a good job. You got him home," she said, gripping his hand even tighter.

"Thank you for bringing him home."

sheelerj@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-954-2561.

A U.S. Marine Christmas

2006-12-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this house did live

As I looked all around, a strange sight I did see
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree
No stockings by the fire, just boots full of sand
On the wall hung a picture of a far away land

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds
A sobering thought soon came to my mind
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen
This was the home of a U.S. Marine

I heard stories about them so I had to see more
I walked down the hallway and pushed open the door
And there he lay sleeping- Silent. Alone.
Curled up on the floor of his one bedroom home

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean shaven, his face weathered tan
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw tonight
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight

Soon around the nation the children would play
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas day
They enjoyed freedom each day and all year
Because of Marines like the one lying here

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry

He must have awoken for I heard a rough voice
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice.
I fight for freedom, I don't ask more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours. So silent and still
noticed he shivered from the cold nights chill

So, I took off my jacket, the one made of red
To cover this Marine from his toes to his head
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold
With the eagle, globe, and anchor emblazoned so bold

Although it barely fit me. I began to swell with pride
For one shining moment I was Marine Corps deep inside
I didn't want to leave him, so quite in the night
This guardian of honor so willing to fight

But half asleep he rolled over and in a voice clean and pure
Said, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure!"
One look at my watch and I knew he was right
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi, and good night

~Author Unknown

More on the wedding.....

2006-12-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

I was searching on the internet last night for invitations. I didn't realize how many options and designs are out there. Then you have to start thinking of the wording. Wow....a little overwhelmed, but hey that is where I am supposed to be. I found some I like and can't wait to share them with Sniper this weekend. Yep he will be home for the weekend....YEAH!!!!

As I was searching, something else popped up in my head that I started to think about.....the wedding night and what to wear. Don't worry I am not going to give you any specifics. Sniper reads this and I can't let him in on anything.

As I was looking at all that is out there, my mind started to wander on what is transpiring in a few months. I started crying tears of happiness. I don't know how to express or articulate how I am feeling inside. It is hard to describe or even put into words.

Every time I think about him or am around him, I get butterflies in the bottom of my stomach and a warm feeling comes over me. I feel the love we have for each other, with a tingling sensation from my toes all the way to the top of my head. A smile comes across my face.

It is sinking in, this is really happening and I haven't been dreaming the last year and a half. I am marrying the man of my dreams. I have dreamed about this for the last 16 years and until last year, I thought it would always be just that a dream. Now that dream is finally coming true.

I know we have talked about it since we reunited and discuss it all the time. But, as we start to plan and put together everything for the wedding reality has really sunken in. It really is a fairy-tale come true. It's been a long road traveled and a lot of hard work to get where we are today, but we are here, together.

The next 5 plus months aren't going to come quick enough. I want to wake-up and it be April 21st. What is the chance of that happening? That's what I thought. I have to have patient (we all know that is not one of my strong qualities) and take one day at a time and enjoy this process together.

He really has been a doll (did I just call him that). He has been trying to take all the stress of the wedding away from me (I really don't stress as much as I he thinks I do.....maybe I do). This week he has taken care of so much and we have paid for it all. He has made so many decisions and just taken care of it. With the nature and man he is, he has even made a timeline of what will happen when and at what time. Who is doing what and going where. Even the night before and day of, what and where I will be doing or should I say what I won't be doing. You know, helping. It's not in my vocabulary with him. He won't have it. He wants me to sit back and relax. It's a little hard, because I don't want him to stress out (we know he will anyways).

At the rate he is going, the wedding should be dialed in in the next few weeks. Then we can sit back and count the minutes until the big day.

Dyzgoneby
Counting down the days, hours and minutes.......

Happy Thoughts......

2006-12-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

I want to write something happy.....this place needs something positive. I need to keep thinking positive instead of dwelling on the negatives.

Thanksgiving weekend, Sniper couldn't come up for the holiday. He was house sitting for some friends of ours. We spent it apart....again. I am trying not to dwell on it, it is what it is.

So, the day after, after I got off of work (first time in 10 years I have had to work the day after Thanksgiving and it sucked ass), I flew down to spend four days with him. We had a beautiful time with just the two of us. No stress, no errands to run, no roommates around, no kids.....just us.

At night we sat in the backyard, sipping on wine, sitting next to a fire Sniper built for us, cuddling up together, having great conversations. Sniper took very good care of me the whole time. He spoiled me rotten (he always does). He even made a wonderful dinner. Salmon on a bed of rice, with a cheese sauce and asparagus. It was so good. My mouth is watering just thinking of it.

The place we stayed at (house sitting) is the place we are getting married. Hopefully if all goes well it will be April 21, 2007. We have named the place "Paradise." It is just that. The backyard is beautiful. Palm trees, pool, hottub, rock bar with all the amneities, waterfall, tv, surround sound music. What more could you ask for.

Most of the weekend it revolved around planning "Our Wedding." We started with our guest list. We have very limited space, so this was important to tackle for us. We ended up deciding to have 2 receptions besides the day of. One up here where I am currently residing for those who can't make it down to San Diego and one down there for our friends.

On Saturday, we had our florist come out and picked out all of our flowers. They are so beautiful. We picked stargazer lilies, calililies, tropical flowers.......I am getting more excited as the days go on (it's not coming soon enough).

Sniper is the one who is doing most of the planning and work. Now before you go getting all silly on me and wonder why I would let a man plan something like this by his self. I have to tell you Sniper is not your typical man. He knows how to plan, organize and complete missions. Remember he is a Marine after all. And a wedding is no different than a mission. Besides, he has a truly romantic side to him and him and I have the same tastes. Shhhh, just don't tell anyone he can be mushy. Again, he is a Marine and has a reputation to live up to. LOL.

Here is our lists.....see who has it easy:

Dyz, my dress and accessories; Bridesmaids dresses; Buy his ring; Photographer (done, it's my dad); Show up for the wedding

Sniper, Caterer and food (done); Table, chair and linen rentals (done); Order Cake (done); Flowers (done, we did this one together); Invitations; Tuxedos for the boys; Hire clean-up detail; Bartendar; Hotel Room (already picked it out); Organize Arch Saber detail

I guess I do.......Ohhhhh, I so can't wait. Less than 6 months and I will be Mrs. Sniper.

Dyzgoneby

More Issues at Hand

2006-11-29T22:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I still sit and stare at the four walls that surrond me, glass of wine in front of me and music playing through the computer. It's no different than any other night. My mind and heart is still on the man I love with all my heart, Sniper.

Not sure which direction I want to write, but here goes more on the issue at hand.......

I am thinking about the question Sniper asked me the other night about his career with the Marine Corps and the direction it is heading. I never answered him, but as I ponder this I start to think of something he told me this weekend.

He received a call the other day, from some command, that wants him to deploy with them in February. My first reaction was Whiskey Tango Foxtrot or better yet What The Fuck are you thinking? Then I had to rely on all the inner strength I had not to break down and ball like a baby. I was already doing this on the inside, the tears were slipping out and I had to control them.

To ever think of him deploying again scares the shit out of me more than I could ever fathom or express in words. This is my worst fear (next to dieing before him and I are married).

I think back on all that he has been through with this last deployment. How many close calls he had that he told me about (I know there were far more than he will ever tell me). At the end how things with south with his unit and they did some pretty fucked up things to him. How mentally he came home....I am going to say it....pretty fucked up. How he came home with a shoulder all fucked up, that nothing has been done about.

My fear and gut feeling is if he deploys again, it will be the last time I ever see him again. For some fucked up reason I truly believe this. But, on the chance he does come home, I know that man I love will never be the same. He will be far worse mentally than where he is today. My last post I talked about some of the PTSD issues he is dealing with. How much worse can they get? I don't want to know the answer to that question, ever.

He is good at what he does when he is deployed. That I know in my heart, but that is not the issue.

His fear, I won't be here.

I did let him know, I will always stand beside him and support him in everything and anything he chooses to do. So, to actually answer the question he asked me, I don't want him to deploy ever again, but I will support him and still be standing on the otherside of it. There will never be the day, that I am not here for him. No matter how hard a deployment is on us, I will could never live without him.

However, I can tell you, he probably won't ever deploy again. His doctor wants to see him medically retire. I would have to agree with this one, but it is not my decision. It is his and his alone. He has to do what is in his heart.

My feelings and reasoning behind wanting him to retire now, instead of in 5 years, are pure selfish ones. I want him to enjoy life and his family. He has sacrificed so much, that it is about time he took some time for himself. He has given everything he has and then some to protect this Country. It is time for someone else to carry on.

If he does stay in, the only thing I can see him doing until retirement is Recruiting Duty.

Either way I will stand beside him and hold him every step of the way. Even if that means we are a world apart.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I will always love you with everything I have.

PTSD thru My Eyes

2006-11-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

Over this last weekend, Sniper and I talked about it. We talked about this blog and the direction of (or lack there of) and where I can head. Basically what "I" can talk about when it comes to the major issue I have skated around for the last few months, PTSD. So here goes, I have free rein to speak or write exactly what it is like to go thru PTSD with the man I love, thru my eyes.

This will be a long one. I need to get somethings off of my chest and I can't seem to express it any other way, than here. So here goes...........

Before Sniper deployed this last tour in Iraq I knew he had some issues with PTSD. Maybe I just didn't realize it or how buried it was, but it was definately there. I knew his temper was short, I just never saw it. The only time I saw some resembalance of any issues was at night. When we were sleeping. More so I slept and he slept some. I remember nights him waking up with a "bad" dream of remembering his tour in Iraq in 04'. I would just cuddle up with him and eventually I would drift back off to sleep. Sometimes he fell back asleep and sometimes not.

One night in paticular, I remember being sound asleep, laying on his chest and flying out of bed with him. It took me a few minutes to realize WTF was going on. After I shook the cob webs out of my head, it scared the shit out of me. Not that I was afraid of what he was going to do to me, but what the hell had happened to him. To the man I love, to have night terrors like this. That night, I layed there and rubbed his back. It seemed like forever before he drifted back off to sleep. In reality it was maybe an hour to an hour and a half. The rest of the night I just held him and let the tears fall silently. I maybe slept a hour the rest of the night.

Until this last deployment, that was all I saw. Since then, it has been a all new ballgame. One I am not sure how to handle, deal with or WTF to do.

Sniper returned home this last July, but the PTSD really kicked in while he was still in Iraq. He would call me, just to have me talk to him. Just to hear my voice. Some of it was him being homesick, but a lot of the times it was to soothe him from the shit he couldn't get out of his head. The shit he still saw when he closed his eyes. He would try to sleep, but sleep just wouldn't come easy or not at all. So, I would talk to him and sometimes he would just fall asleep on the phone.

Since returning home, sleeping isn't the only problem, but I will start with that. I have seen him sleep more than a hour time frame on 4 occasions. 4 times in 4 months, maybe sleeping 3-4 hours during those times. The rest of the time he is lucky if he sleeps more than an hour. I have to admit, it is pretty hard to sleep next to someone, next to the one you love, when they can't sleep and are afraid of what comes when they do. That is no way to live......

Why can't he sleep? He is exhausted beyond belief, but when he does sleep the shit keeps coming back. He wakes up choking on the fumes from the IED. I am not talking about a little choking. It as if he is in the midst of a blast and he can't breathe. He can still taste it in his mouth. He relives everything that has transpired through his deployment when he closes his eyes. It just won't go away.

I have been sleeping right next to him and have woken-up feeling his body shake. Feeling him jump. One morning I woke up to this, cuddled up with him, only to be thrown across the bed and him reach for his weapon. Thank god it was on myside of the bed. He never truly woke-up on that one, but none the less it scared the piss out of me. I just reassured him it was me laying next to him and he settled right down. All I can do is be there to hold him on nights like this.

Pretty fucking helpless? Yep, but there's more.

His temper? This is something that is a whole new side of him for me to see. I have looked in his eyes and one minute he is a happy-go-lucky man and the next minute I can see and feel the rage in him. It can be instintanious, anything can set him off.

This last weekend, him and I were in the kitchen. He was cutting up some fruit for us to share. He asked me a simple question and when I didn't answer with a yes or no answer (I tend to add way more detail in my answers than need be) he punched the counter. He realized right away what he had done, but the damage was already done. It scared the shit out of me, but I realized immediately, it scared him more than me. It scared him more to have me see a side of him I had never seen.

Before I go any further, I will tell you this.....I AM NOT AFRAID, EVER, of Sniper ever hitting me. I know this won't happen. That is not his nature.

His patience level is almost non-existent. His demenour has changed. Almost very somber for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I see him laugh and relax, but nothing like before. Driving, yeah, that's lots of fun to watch him flinch and jump at sites on the road. Or, hear backfires, gunfires or whatever the hell else goes off around base. Yep, count that as another one that sucks ass as well. Flashbacks, count that one in too. Smells, can't get away from that as well. All these things bring back memories for him that he tries so hard to forget.

He will never be able to forget any of the demons he harbors, but he is getting help. He made me a promise long ago and is making good on his word. I have even went in with him. It will be a long road ahead for him, and I guess you can put me into that as well. Together we will make it through it.

See, as a significant other you have your own issues to deal with during a deployment. Learning to cope with all that you have been through on the other side of the world, waiting and hoping to see your loved one come home alive or in one piece. But, it is learning how to deal with one who comes home with major PTSD issues, the invisible scars, that is hard as hell to deal with.

You think you are helpless when there gone, think again.

Living and loving the one person in the world that is everything to you, watching what they are going through and knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do, but be the ear to listen to, the shoulder to lean on or cry on, or the hand to hold. Now, that is helplessness. I am completely powerless to help and it is just tearing me up inside. I can't fix this for him and it is driving me insane.

This last weekend while I was with him (the day I left to come home) he was so exhausted he tried to sleep. I layed next to him and just held on. All I could think about was him and what he had been through and still continues to go through. I cried those silent tears. (You know the ones. The ones that run down your face, but you don't want anyone to see). I couldn't make them stop, including making a huge hole in my cheek.

See, I still continue to do what I said I wouldn't do. I hold my feelings inside. I keep them bottled up inside and let them out when I am alone. The feelings I have about what he has been through, what he is going through and even my opinion what I feel about his next move in the Marine Corps. I do this, because he has enough in his head than to deal with all my shit on top of it. Right or wrong, I just do. So here I am telling you all and I am also telling it to Sniper.

My feelings....Helplessness, I already covered this one. Defenseless, I couldn't be there to protect him. Sad, that I am so far away to hold him on those long and lonely nights. Depressed, that I will probably never see Sniper truly "home" again. Melancholy, just am. Anger, towards his command and all the Marines that gave him shit while he was in Iraq only to discover Sniper was right on, being the Marine he is. He lived up to his promise. Resentment, for those who ever doubted his leadership skills and have put him through the hell he is going through and making him feel like a piece of shit. Hurt, that he feels he has to defend himself and his actions to asshats. That the mere thought of putting on his uniform has him sick to his stomach and throwing up the closer he gets to base. Pissed, with myself that I would prefer him to just get out of the Marine Corps than to continue to deal with all the bullshit and PC crap that is making the Corps what it is today. Tired, of all the bullshit. Sniper is a damn fine Marine and has everything to be proud of. I know I am proud of everything he stands for.

I still wear the deployment bracelet I put on soon after he left. I can't seem to take it off. Why? I wish I knew, but here goes me trying to analyze why.....he still isn't completely home and until he does, I won't take it off.

This is just a small glimpse into my world. As time goes on, I will continue to write, but for now, I need to deal with the tears in my eyes and the feelings I am trying to express and let it out. This is my "alone" time for now.

Dyzgoneby,
Still in Hell and waiting for the return trip home

Our Latest Trip

2006-11-18T20:05:00.000-08:00

Well I have been home a few days now from my latest trip down south.....nothing new there except we spent a few of those days in VEGAS. This was the trip we had been planning since Sniper was in Iraq. We had wanted to spend the Marine Corps Birthday together this year. We weren't able to go to his ball because some Jack Asses don't realize, most normal people, me, have to work during the week, but that's ok, we made up for it in Vegas.

We had a wonderful time. I can't tell much because ya'll know what "Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," but I can tell a few of the details.

We enjoyed some much needed "us" time with him dressed up most of the weekend in his Blues and me in a different dress every night. Boy does that man look yummy. Good enough to eat, oh wait a minute, I did get to.....oh can't tell ya!

The first evening (Friday) with both of us dressed to the nines, we ate dinner at the Bellagio's Sensi Restuarant. That place was really good, small portions, but very filling. Afterwards we meet up with a few Marine Moms that were in town for the Birthday weekend to "Hug" all those Marines at there Balls. I have been coresponding to some of these women for months now via Marineparents.com. It was nice to finally put a face to those that helped support me when Sniper was in Iraq to now. Sniper received lots of hugs from them.

Saturday, we spent the whole night between bars, clubs and casinos. We ended up meeting some Marines that were there for there Ball and shared a few drinks with them.

Sunday, we stayed in bed the whole day and slept. We only got up to have room service deliver us something to eat, then right back to bed. We didn't end up leaving the room until almost 2000. When we finally left, we went to see a show, La Femme. It was spectacular. From there, it was a few more clubs.

Monday, we came back from being out all night, just in time to pack up, check-out and leave for home.

Overall, the weekend went well. We both enjoyed our time with each other.

Monday night at home, we meet up with a few of his Marines that were with him in Iraq. Some of them, I had talk to several times, just never meet them personally. We all enjoyed the evening just sitting around BSing.

I am now back home and look forward to our next weekend together. I am not going to whine about not having him here with me because we all know nothing is going to change overnight and we still have a few more months of dealing with the distance between us. I will say this, it still SUCKS ASS.

It does look like I will be back down there the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, he won't be able to make it home for the Holiday and I have to work the day after. I promised him last year, it would be the last year he would have to spend a Holdiay without his family. Well as we all know, life gets in the way and somethings we just can't change.

On a side note, I was very humbled from all the support, gratitude and appreciation towards Sniper for what he is and does for our Country while we were in Vegas. We only paid for a few drinks, had a meal bought for us and never payed to get into any of the clubs. As a civilian, I don't think most American's truly know how to show there appreciation or thanks and it was a very humbling, but a gratifing expierence to be able to witness it first hand. It really moved me.

Maybe someday, I will be back to blogging regularly. I am still sorta studying and am scheduled to take my next exam (Series 66) on the 28th of November if I don't reschedule it again. Then again, if I do that I KNOW Sniper will kick my ass.

Here are a few pics from our trip. There isn't much. Sorry, but I can't show them all, they are just for Sniper's and my eyes.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart, body and soul. Soon we will be living as one and the distance no more than a few feet from each other, not miles.

The Pics you have been waiting for.....

2006-11-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

A Fairy Tale Coming True

2006-11-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

Sit back and grab a drink, this one is going to be a long one. I am going to take you on a journey from this last week and up to last night. It's a fairy tale coming true.

Last weekend while I was down at Camp Pendleton with Sniper, he booked a flight to come up this week on Wednesday. He had a mission for me.....Set-up a dinner for our families for Saturday night (last night) for 20 people. Roger that.

He flew in on Wednesday night and I picked him up from the airport. We picked up Drama Queen and then picked up Bubba and headed home, our home. We (the four of us) spent the remainder of the evening enjoying some family time (a few of the kids were MIA though).

Sniper spent Thursday with Drama Queen while I was at work. I will tell you more in another post, later about this. Thursday night we stopped by my father's house for a little while. (I started to get the feeling something was up). Then we went out to dinner and then home.

Friday he took me to work and he spent the day again with Bubba and Drama Queen. Friday evening, Lego Man, Drama Queen & I spent the evening together, while Bubba and Sniper visted his parent's. Later that night him and Bubba came home to us.

Saturday morning, I knew something was up. We had to pick-up Wingman at the airport at 1200. WTF is going on........hmmmmmmm. All day Sniper was extremely nervous.

Saturday evening we got ready to go out to dinner and had to be there by 1800. We arrive at the restaurant and Sniper was very nervous. I had knots in my stomach. I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

Both of our families, three out of six of our children (I wished his children in Washington could have been there with us as well. I do know he talked to them before hand) and some friends, together we sat down at the table at 1830.

Sniper stood up and started to talk.......

"Thank you all for being here to share in this event with Dyz and I. I would like to take the next few moments to share with you what family means to me. Family is not an instution, but a foundation in which we judge many things in our lives. Many people use their family as a scale to qualify or quantify happiness, success, closeness, traditions, and realtionships.

Family is a constant which bonds us together without question and regardless of the situation. The bond found in a family is unique in that you are born in to it. You as a person do not choose it, nor does it choose you. The only two choices that you have when it comes to family are: to chose to marry and to chose to have children.

To marry is a choice made by two individuals to merge together in order to start a new family. Not leaving their own famliy, but starting their own branch on each other's family tree.

Family is love, true love, in it's simplest form. It is not complicated nor mysterious. It is just true and pure love. There is no "why" or "how come" in family. And it can be counted on forever and for always.

Family can be compaired to a string. At first glance it appears so simple and is often over looked for its significance, like a family.

Like family, string is found everwhere. It holds together our clothes, like our families hold us together as a group.

It is used to make rugs and carpets that travel on daily, like our famlies guide our lifes paths. It is used to cover our windows, like families hold our darkest secrets. It even mends our wounds, like families comfort us.

Like string, family is started with a core (him and her) and with each added layer (children and other family members) the family grows stronger, just like string does.

(put's string on my finger)

Like this string, our lives and families will be intertwined together if only you accept this token of my love and devotion to you and our families. Dyz, will you marry me and be my partner for the rest of my life?"

"Yes"

During this whole time, this very busy, loud restuarnt became very quiet. All you could hear was the music playing in the background. Sniper didn't just speak to our families, he spoke to the whole restaurant. Bubba had some friends (including one of his best friends) there for there homecoming last night and made sure he let them all know. They sat right behind us and cheered just as loud our families. After I said "Yes," the whole restuarant broke out in applause. WOW!!!!! We had several people who didn't even know us, congratulate this very happy couple.

There was lots of tears shed last night, before, during and after from the both of us. Tears of joy, pure happiness and love, true love. And yes, he is man enough to admit, he cried. It started after he said, "Thank you." Sniper had to put down the 3x5 cards he made with what he wanted to say. He couldn't see the writing on them.

I was very suprised it happened this soon. We have talked for a long time of getting married, and knew in our hearts we are already married, we have even referred to the other as "my fiance" or "my wife" or "my husband, " but now it is official. We are engaged.

Sniper and I have saved the cards and the string for our scrapbook. Sniper also saved all the rough drafts for me as well. That man knows me all too well. Later on last night him and Wingman told me the story of this last week and all the "planning" that went in to this. Sniper practiced on everyone, including drama queen, bubba and wingman. He didn't want the Ring to fall off of the string. See, the Ring slid down the string onto my finger. That man, my man, has always been a over the top romantic. He always amazes me and he did it again last night.

Oh yah, he went to both my father and dad and asked them both for my hand in marriage. Oh my, I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful, caring, compassionate man like Sniper.

Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives having a happy, fufilling, adventurous life together with you, all of our children and our family. I promise you I will be a great wife to you. My love will never falter. I will give you and our family the world through my love.

I will post pics soon. Blogger, as usually, isn't playing nice.

Dyzgoneby, soon to be Mrs. Sniper
I will let you all in on the date as we decide together. We do have something in mind, but waiting to see how things play out soon. And NO, we are not getting married in Vegas this next week (Thursday we leave for our Vegas trip). Family is too important to the both of us and all of our children and our families will be there together. Each and every last one of them.

2006-10-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if I will even publish this, but I really need to write........

Tonight I sit here and stare at the four blank walls around me, music playing through the computer (Kenney Chesney is great to do this with), lost in my thoughts. My mind is so far away and the nights are extremely lonely.

Yes, I am lonely. I am not looking for anyone else, I just miss the hell out of Sniper and my heart hurts like someone is ripping it out with there bare hands.

When he was in Iraq it was in some way easier to deal with (the loneliness that is, nothing else). I knew he was 1,000's of miles away and I would just have to suck it up and deal with it. Since he has been home, it's harder to deal with.

I miss having him around the house. I miss the physical contact, I am not talking about the "Adult" kind either. I miss the light touches we give each other. I miss looking into his eyes. I miss his hugs. I miss cuddling up with him. I miss going to bed at night with him and having his arms wrapped around me, holding me. Feeling that sense of security. Feeling like everything is perfect.

Last night and today I watched the video he made while he was deployed. You know the one I am talking about. I must have watched it at least 15 times. I couldn't stop crying and tonight the tears still keep coming. I watch it and think of how much he has been through. How much it still is affecting him........and me. I am still feeling helpless and vulnerable.

I still have a hard time sleeping at night. The nightmares just won't go away. I still see that damn IED going off in my dreams. Thanks to technology, I can't get it out of my head. Some nights I wake-up with tears still running down my face and my eyes swollen from crying out to him all night. I dream of him never coming home to us, his family.

I honestly thought after him being home almost 3 months, life would go back to some normalcy for me. Instead, my temper is a little shorter than I would like. I still find myself becoming depressed, crying, angry, sad, melancholy. All of this is with no reasoning behind it. I still want to drink myself into oblivion and become numb to the world around me, but I don't. I know if I went down that road, I would lose myself and may never make it back.

I think about and reflect back on the last year and a half with Sniper. Where we were, what we have been through and the direction we are heading. I think about this time last year, we were hoping for recruiting duty orders, him coming home, starting our lives together and he ended up in Iraq instead. A little Deja Vu going on around me. And NO HE IS NOT GOING BACK TO IRAQ! At least not right now.

I think about what is in store for him, for us. I have a hard time dealing with not being able to make plans for "our" life together other than a few weeks in advance. Just sitting back and not having any control over where we are heading. Knowing there is so many unanswered questions and so many facets in the direction he could be heading. I wonder where our life will be in the next six months.......next year......next few years...... For now, I have to remind myself constantly to take it one day at a time.

I think about the phone calls we have between us. The ones where the conversations are great and he abruptly decides he has to go. They leave me wondering WTF..... I have to remember not to take it personal, but some days it just gets to me and I do.

I think about how we never had an argument before his deployment. Now, the smallest issues may set either of us off. Nights like tonight, I think back on some of the things that have came out of both of our mouths and can't believe either of us said them to the other person. Those conversations replay through my head over and over....I can't make them stop.

I think about what he is going through now. The stuff I don't talk about, just tip toe around, PTSD. Kbug, you hit the nail on the head with your comment the other day. It will be a long road, but one he will make it through.

I think about last weekend, Bubba and I watching 20 Soldiers in the airport coming home from Iraq (it was the most gratifying experience to see a airport burst out in cheers and applause for these men) and remembering where we were July 25th, 2006. Welcoming home Sniper. Watching these families welcome home their loved ones. Thinking about what all they had endured while there loved ones were deployed. Thinking about what the next few months will be like for some of them. Thinking about those who didn't make it home.

I have finally succumbed to asking for help. I picked up the phone yesterday and reached out for it. I can't do this anymore on my own. I have too much in my head that just won't stop. I worry about him constantly and I worry about me.

My mind is full and my heart is heavy tonight........

dyzgoneby

Slacker

2006-10-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks to AFSister, I have a new name "Slacker."

As many times as I have said it over the last few months, life has been hectic and difficult to find time to blog. That's not the only reason......

There is so much I have to say, but I feel like I can't say or write what is going on in my life or Sniper's. Yes, there are people who read this that know me personally and I didn't think it would hinder what I wanted to write. Yet, it has. (No offense to you). I didn't think it would be difficult to write on here knowing that Sniper reads this, but again, it is.

I would love to write about the PTSD issues that are going on around us, but I can't. There is so much I want to say and express about it. However, it's hard to express my feelings, when I can't even express them to other's or even Sniper. I want to talk about it though, I just don't know how or to whom. This was always my outlet to express my daily life with me, him and us....now I just don't know what to do. I guess am just trying to figure out where I fit in the mix. Then you add in I can't and won't express his feelings and dealings he is having with it.

I would love to write about his next adventure in the Marine Corps, but I can't. We have some idea what or where he might end up, but the operative word is might. Nothing is ever set in stone and I am learning to have patience. Patience that I never knew I had (I am a very impatient person and a planner. Thanks to the Marine Corps, I can't plan shit). With the issues mentioned above, this plays into this one as well.

I would love to write about our adventures we have had over the last few months. I have been down at Camp Pendleton every two weeks and it has been great. We have been spending quiet a bit of time together, but it's still not enough. Is is ever? However, the last couple of paragraphs come into play in this.

So where does that leave me????????

That's the 50 Million dollar question. I wish I had an answer for it. Hopefully soon, I can figure it out. I miss writing and I miss everyone here. This has been my outlet and know I just need to figure out how to use it to my advantage.

Until then.........

Dyzgoneby

Food for thought:
Gunny told me a while back, the hardest part of a deployment is not while they are deployed, the hard part starts when they come home. I never knew how true those words really are.

2006-10-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, ok, I sooo know I have been MIB (Missing In Blogging) over the last few months. Sorry, life has been more hectic than ever. For those 5 of you that still hanging around, thank you.

You probably already have seen it and heard about, but I have to share it here as well. What the hell am I talking about...."The Blogs of War" put together from "Blackfive."

This is an absolute must read. I received mine in the mail a couple of days ago and have been trying to read it in my free time (in between work, kids and cleaning the house) and it's been hard to put it down. I am half way through with it and it is incredible eye opener for those who have never lived the life.

I am not going to review the book for you. Get your own copy and decide for yourself. You won't be disappointed or regret it!

I will say it has me personally reflecting on life and what is means to me. No, I am not crazy. Just hear me out.

I may have not actually lived through the fighting, I just sat a world away hoping and praying for the day Sniper comes home safe and sound. I sat at home with a heavy heart wondering if I would ever see him again. I am digressing here...with angels looking out for him he made it home.

Unfortunately, now comes an even harder part of a deployment. Adjusting to being home and living with all that he has seen and done. I am still not wanting to express on here too much about his issues. PTSD issues that is. This is something he must manage, deal with and express on his own time. They are not for me to discuss. I will say, I am worried, but he/we are dealing with it.

I sit back and listen to him and his brothers talk about some of the missions they have completed. Missions and things they have seen, heard and carried out. I sit and just take it all in. I am usually pretty quiet. Later, when I am alone, I reflect back and contemplate what they have been through. This is when I can let my feelings and emotions out.

Between the real life experiences he has shared with me (and it's very little) and now reading some first hand experiences of others, it has me realizing even more now than ever, how lucky he was. It also has me realizing how much honor, courage and commitment he has for our Country. I also see how truly "Freedom isn't always free."

It also reminds me of a saying, "For those who protect it, FREEDOM has a taste the protected will NEVER know!"

No, I will never know the taste, but I will stand beside, watch and be the hand he holds, the man I love, while he endures the demons he will harbor the rest of his life protecting it.

dyzgoneby

The American People

2006-09-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...... Time is going way too slow this morning. So, being here at work I decided to scan some of my favorite blogs that I haven't been able to read over the last few months.

I came across "The American People" from "One Marine's View." This Ad was placed in the Arizona Republic Newspaper.

I honestly had forgot about it and low and behold I came across it this morning. I didn't expect any recognition, I just wanted those to know, I am very grateful and appreciative of the sacrifices they have made.

So to Maj Pain a big huge OOHRAH for putting this together. If it wasn't for Men and Woman like you and my Marine, we wouldn't have had this opportunity.

To All Our Marines and Service Members.......

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR PROVIDING US WITH THE BLANKET OF FREEDOM!

Semper Fi!
Dyzgoneby

Rambling

2006-09-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

Nothing extremely witty to say, but since I am sitting here bored off my ass at work, I thought I would check in.

I guess, I will talk about my favorite man in the whole world.....Who you ask? Sniper silly.

He is still adjusting to home life. He finally has a actual place to lay his head down at night that he can call his own (well other than "our" house). Him, Wingman, and Rambo moved into a place together this last weekend. I am looking forward to heading down there tomorrow (It's not coming soon enough). I know life will not be boring in the least sense. It has always been Sniper, Wingman and I when I am down there.

Does that mean now Rambo will be hanging with us as well?

One female (me) and three Men/Marines in a house. Oh that just may make some great commentary upon my return. I can guarantee I won't be bored. Then again, that means I can't run around the house naked anymore. Damn....that's no fun, but I don't want to scare the shit out of the other two.

As for the Marine Corps and where/what he has been doing since he has been home. Zilch. Some of it might be, he hasn't been into work in awhile either. That is a whole other story. But, we are waiting on the outcome of his shoulder to see where his next orders are to. I am crossing my fingers, that it is Recruiting Duty. Not that I really want to see him doing that. The hours and days are hell and I almost would rather have him in Iraq (almost), than to go through the 3 years of shit.

I would love for him to stay in San Diego and just have my butt move down there. (But nope, my opinion doesn't count for squat, his decision and he never asked for it. However, he does know how I feel.) San Diego is definitely not in the cards though. I do know where they are talking of sending him if his orders don't come through and even though he keeps telling me not to worry or stress about it, I still do. Let's just say it's not in Cali. And you bet your sweet ass I will be moving with him, IF he ends up anywhere else, but here.

His shoulder. After two months of being home, and having injured it back in May, we are still waiting to find out what the hell is going to happen. Last week he had his MRI and the next appointment isn't until October 10th. Damn these people are slow. I would hate to see what would happen if it was more serious. He still can't feel his fingers, but I guess that doesn't matter.

Well, I guess they are letting me out of my cage and I can go home....YEAH!!!!

dyzgoneby
Sniper, A little over 24 hours and you will be in my arms again. I so can't wait.....*BIG SMILES AND GRINS HERE* I can't wait to get you alone......

Trying to understand.....

2006-09-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

You ever do something, you never fathomed you could accomplish? Then you end up surpassing your expectations of yourself. That is where I am at tonight.

I am so elated and excited that I accomplished this one step. This one step closer to my dream.

I have wanted to become a financial broker for so many years and never truly thought it would be anything, but a just a dream. Something I could dream about, wish for, but just out of my reach.

I have always put my kids above everything, and that included my dreams and my career. I put them first and my happiness second. I figured, when the kids were older, then, just maybe I could have what I wanted.

Then the opportunity arouse earlier this year to actually be able to reach out and touch my dream. I wanted nothing more than to do just that.

Sniper and I have discussed this dream of mine and it became "our" dream. "Our" future. It became something I wanted not just for myself, but for my family. For him, for my children, our children. A better future and a better life for all of us. I want a better future for him. I want to give him (and the kids as well) the world.

Over the course of the last several months, my dream has consumed me. All the while Sniper was deployed. I started thinking there was no way, I would be able to touch it.

His deployment ended up consuming more of my thoughts and my life than what I had anticipated. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but him. His well being. His safety. And now that he is home, I still think and dream about him, about us. Same thoughts still plague me. The only difference is I know he is not in Iraq (for now). I know he is not getting shot at, people our not trying to kill him. He is safe, but it still doesn't change me worrying about him. I still worry about his well being.

During all of this, somehow, some way, I still managed to pass my first hurdle towards my dream. "Our" dream.

Why am I going on about this?

Tonight I sit here and think about how close I am to that dream and the one person I want to share my excitement with and celebrate with is not here. I have talked to him tonight, but it's not the same. Instead I sit here alone, my choice ( kids are with there dad and Sniper is in San Diego). Instead of being overly full of joy, I am full of sadness, loneliness, depressed and can't stop crying.

WTF is wrong with me?

As usual I am trying to analyze the situation. The only logical explanation I can come up with is, the last 8 months, my life has been consumed with stress, tension, fear and apprehensions. And tonight, that is all gone. Maybe I just needed a stress reliever. I don't know, just trying to make sense of everything.

The only thing that makes sense right now is, I wish Sniper was here with me.

dyzgoneby

It's the End of The Month and...

2006-09-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been on overload over the last several weeks. This damn test has been kicking my ass. That's not including all the bullshit with my emotions I have been putting Sniper through. I know I have drove him insane. One minute I think I can do this, the next minute I know I am going to fail. One minute I am happy, the next I am crying like a baby. The highs and lows are crazy. My stomach probably has a huge hole in it from all the stress. And no Sniper, I promise I am not going to have a heart attack. You will get the next 70 plus years with me.

Sniper has been my rock and savior through this all. He knows just what to say. His words of wisdom have helped, a lot. "It's just a test." Sniper is the only one I have been talking to in the last few weeks. I have cut myself off from everyone else, his family included. I miss them all so much. Ooohhhh so very soon, I will have my life back.

Now with that being said:

I PASSED MY SERIES 7!!!!!!!! YEAH HHOOO!!!!!

Can you feel how excited I am? I took the exam today and it was a grueling six hour exam. One I will never, ever have to do again. Ever....I think you get the point. Next week I will start studying for the next one, Series 66. My goal is to have them all done by the first of the year. Then I can be a Sugar mamma.

The hardest part about passing the exam, is not having Sniper home to share it with. Yes, I know he is on US Soil, but he is not at home with me. All I want to do is celebrate with him.....soon, very soon.

Besides this damn test, life has been harder on the both of us than we realized. The distance has been really getting to the both of us and eating at us.

Pre-deployment we could go 4 to 6 weeks. Now, a day seems like to long. The days and nights are so lonely without him. It's depressing. We have grown extremely close over the last few months. Closer than ever before. I don't know what has changed, but I just can't seem to live without him next to me on a daily basis.

Friday night I am flying back down to San Diego and am looking forward to spending some much needed time with him. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again!!! Besides, I know we will have to celebrate as well together.

Now, I am off to drink myself into oblivion.......well at least until I pass out and I don't think it will take much. I am pretty damn exhausted.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the encouragement you have provided me. You really have been my rock through the last few weeks. Your words of wisdom truly have been what has gotten me through. I know that is what you are here for, but I put you through stress you didn't need. I am going to promise to try and not give you as much grief with the next one. I will have faith, faith in myself. Thank you again!!!! I lover you with all my heart, body and soul. Your loving wife....

Light Blogging Will Continue, Until The End of The Month

2006-09-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Time is coming closer and I only have a few more weeks until my Exam. Oh Yuck. I so can't wait for this crap to be over. The stress is eating me alive. I am stressed beyond anything else I have ever felt (except when Sniper was in Iraq). I do this to myself. I have always been hard on myself and expect more out of myself than anyone else. Failure is not in my vocabulary and knowing the pass rate is only 53% for first timers, has me realizing I may actually fail at something. Let's just cross our fingers I pass the first time around and don't have to take it a second time. Until this is over, I won't be posting much. I need to study. I have to study.

Life around the house is still going through adjustments.

A few weeks ago my ex and I changed the schedule with our kids. We decided after many long talks between the two of us and a long talk between Sniper and I, that we would go back to the schedule we had last year. For him to have our son and I, to have our daughter. We would swap every other weekend, with the kids staying together on the weekends.

It was a very difficult decision, but for my own sanity and my daughter's sanity, we needed to change the direction everything was heading. My son has decided to go down the path of disrespecting me and his sister, again. Now, when I say disrespecting, I am not just talking in the sense that he just doesn't listen to me, he also hits both of us, the language and names (they are something I would never call my worst enemy) he decides to use towards me are way out of hand. Nothing I have done has curbed it. If anything it has gotten worse over the last few months. I am at the point where I have realized, if something doesn't change in the next few years, he will be bigger and stronger than me and that will put me in a very vunerable position. I am almost to the point of being afraid of him.

I also haven't liked the path my daughter has chosen as well. She is starting to pick up on his bad habits of not listening and testing her boundaries with me as well. She has been getting into trouble at school. Not just bad grades, but fighting. I can see she is crying out for some attention, she has lacked over the last six months.

For a parent to admit this is hard. For a parent to realize they are not what is in the best interest of their child is gut wrenching. But, I had to do something and having my son live with his father is what he needs. My daughter needs a firm hand and not shoved off to the side. She needs me. It was not been an easy decision and has hurt me to the core. I hope one day my kids see that this was in their best interest.

Sniper, after 7 weeks of him being home, and I are still adjusting. We are taking one day at a time. We are now living miles apart and it has been harder than we both realized. The days are more depressing than I assumed would be, for the both of us. The only thing getting us through, we both know where our hearts lie and know that in the grand scheme of life, this will just too will pass in a blink of an eye. I just wish it would hurry up. I am hoping to see him in the next 2-3 weeks (after the exam).

Something else that is helping to keep my mind a little occupied off of the distance and loneliness, is our next trip to Vegas in November. Today I booked our hotel room. I can't tell you where because it is a surprise and he reads my blog. Let's just say, where I have planned, it will be wonderful. It will be a weekend we both will remember and cherish. I may not even get him out of the room the whole time (wink wink). Nah, I gotta take him out in his Blues around town and me in a little sexy dress. There is nothing better than a Marine in his Blues....YUMMY!!!

So that is where my life is....... I have lots of stories, but they will have to wait a little bit more, I promise. Until then.......

dyzgoneby
Sniper, soon, oh so soon, I will be in your arms again and my arms wrapped around you. I love you forever and a day.

Remembering David Grimner

2006-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

David Grimner, 51, of Merick, New York, perished in the World Trade Center, September 11, 2001. He graduated from Pace University in 1985. He was a husband to Judy, father to three sons, Brian, Michael and David Jr., and a friend to many.

Diamonds Just For Her
David Grimner was always quick to get a laugh, or at least try. "You could be in any mood whatsoever, and he'd just tell a joke and you'd be automatically better," said his son David Patrick Grimner, 17. "Sometimes it wouldn't even be funny, but you'd laugh just because of the way he laughed at it."

Mr. Grimner, 51 and a vice president at Marsh & McLennan, had studied to be a priest and remained religious throughout his life. A member of his parish's council and a eucharistic minister, he never missed a Sunday Mass at CurÃ© of Ars Church in Merrick, N.Y.

He knew it was hard on his wife, Judith Ann, when she returned to graduate school in 1998 to earn a master's degree in education. "You've got to stop putting this much pressure on yourself," he said. She responded, "But you always told me to do my best."

In May 2000, after Mrs. Grimner graduated, her husband took her out for a candlelight dinner and gave her a gift. "He had been saving for these brand-new golf clubs that he really wanted," she said. "Instead of buying them, he bought me a diamond bracelet."

Marsh & McLeannan Tribute

Even though I personally never had the opportunity to meet David Grimner or any of his family, it has been an honor to get to know him. I will never forget. To his wife, sons and family, each of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dale, thank you for giving me/us an opportunity to show the world, WE WILL NEVER FORGET. Those lives lost that day are more than just a number or statistic, they were human beings who left behind families, loved ones and friends.

dyzgoneby

The Answer Everyone is Waiting For

2006-09-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should let you in on "What Happened in Vegas."

We both had talked about getting married this last weekend while down in Vegas. We are both already married in our hearts. We always have been, we are just ready for it to be legal.

Before we left, we both talked to Sniper's mom, my mom and Bubba. We made the three of them a promise, "We won't get married without our families there." Family is too important to the both of us and this is one marriage we both want all our family there, our children, our fiends and his brothers from another mother. We both want everyone to share it with us.

My mom told us, "Sniper is the only one who ever counted. He is the only one who has ever been meant for you. Please don't do it without me there. I have to be there. It would crush me."

On Sunday, we went around and had some fun. This is what we did.

This was the closest we got. We never went inside. We both made promises that will not be broken. So, to answer everyone's question, NO WE ARE NOT MARRIED, only in our HEARTS!!! It took all the strength we both had not to go inside, but we both gave our word of honor.

Throughout the weekend, the phone calls did come in from friends "Are you Married yet?" On the way home both are families called to ask. My mom told us that she was disappointed. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!! We were ready to turn around. Everyone placed bets that we would and they all lost.

When we do get married, it will be huge. We both want that big wedding. We both have to have our families there. Until then we are married only in our hearts and mind.

So, thank you to everyone on the congrats, best wishes and sorry to keep ya'll in suspense.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, as hard as this last week has been on the both of us, you are my husband and I am your wife. Soon oh so very soon. There is always Vegas in November. Keep us away from the chapel's because this time I won't be able to hold back again, I just don't have that kind of strenght in me. I don't want to go another day without you by my side as my hubby even though in our hearts we are already there. I love you forever and a day.

Our Last Week Together

2006-09-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

I am home. As home as one can be without the other half of there heart with them. We had a very memorable week, last week together. It was one of the best weeks of our lives. We shared a lot together, we laughed together, we were silly together, we talked for hours on end together, dreamed together and had so much fun together.

We spent the first few days in Fallbrook. I won't go in to details as to why, but we spent the first two days there in a hotel. Yep, it was good. I was able to meet some of his Marines that are now home. His whole Unit is finally back stateside, WELCOME HOME MARINES...JOB WELL DONE.

Friday we both got a bug up our arses and decided to head out of town. Mind you we had already drove two days prior over 600 miles down to Southern Cali. On the way out of town we stopped at a friends house, The Hammer. He served the first tour with Sniper in Iraq and there paths crossed again the first few months of this last deployment. I hadn't seen The Hammer since his deployment party last August. Traffic to our destination was ugly and we ended up staying the night. It was wonderful to spend the evening amongst good friends and watch to brother's connect.

Saturday at 0700 we headed out to our Destination.....LAS VEGAS BABY!!!!!

I had never been to Vegas before and Sniper wanted to share the experience with me my first time. The 4 1/2 hour car ride went by fast. Lots of good conversation.

I won't go into to many details because we all know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.....But, we had the most exhilarating time.

Saturday we spent part of the evening with Sniper's ex-wife, her hubby and her family. It was nice to finally meet the woman I have been talking to through Sniper's whole deployment and since. Thank you Heather..... We went down to Freemont St and we were able to catch the light show. Wow!!! From there we head over to a casino and then out for some more fun. Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and that includes some of the destinations as well. We didn't make it back until 0500.

Sunday, Sniper showed me so many sites. We walked 3/4 of the strip and back. I thought I would have been tired, but just the rush, taking in all the sights, scenes and being with Sniper kept me on a natural high the whole time. That night we went to Gilley's for dinner and came back later for some dancing. It had been 15 years since the last time we danced. Sniper, the first dance after so long felt so right. We belong right there. We didn't end up back at our suite until 0415.

Monday, we rolled out of town towards Temecula at 0730. Do you see where this is going......We didn't sleep, but a total of 6 hours the whole weekend. We played "Rock Stars." And yes, I can keep up with a Marine. OH YEAH!!!! I gave him a run for his money. And now I am feeling very old and tired.

Unfortunately the closer we came to saying good-bye the harder it was becoming apparent. The last few hours together, was getting harder by the minute. Neither of us was ready to say good-bye or see ya soon. When Sniper dropped me off at the airport yesterday, I never shed a tear, but the hole in my cheek is still killing me.

I walked into our house last night and I didn't want to be here. It felt wrong to be home without him. I walked up the stairs to our room and it felt so empty. I sat down for a few on my chair. I couldn't sit on our bed. A few minutes later I was on the phone with Sniper. We realized we had been together for most of the last 6 weeks and the last 3 we haven't been apart. I was telling him I couldn't sleep in our bed without him. It felt wrong.

He said something that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling all inside...."Dyz, I may not be there right now, but I will always be in your heart and you will always be in mine."

And now back to reality.......OH SHIT.....Make these next few months go by fast, very fast.

I will leave you with some pics of our trip and one in paticular in Vegas. I will let you decide what happened in Vegas.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I miss you more than words can ever express. My love for you has grown stronger by the minute and you will always be in my heart. For better or worse.....I will stand Proudly beside you.

Heads Up, Blogging for the Next Week will Cease

2006-08-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Just so ya'll don't think I forgot about ya, I will be leaving after work today and heading down to Camp Pendleton with Sniper.

YEAH.......Sorta.

Yes I will be able to spend some wonderful one-on-one time with him and no distractions from anyone, unless you count Wingman. However, it also means the end of his leave and the end of the nice long exhilarating month we have had together and back to reality.

Unless Sniper or Wingman (and I highly doubt it) will give me the password to the computer down there, I won't be able to get on. OH SHIT!!!! I don't know how I am going to handle a whole week without my fix. I know I will go through some withdrawals, but I am sure I can find something else to occupy our time. *BIG GRIN*

Next week, life will be back to "normal." See ya'll then.

dyzgoneby

Dying A Little Inside

2006-08-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was scrolling through a few of my favorite blogs and found these posts from MQ, Some Soldier's Mom, and Mrs. Dadmanly. I can relate to all of them.

The one thing most of us have in common is, we all seem to have the same thoughts, fears and adjustments. Just from a little different perspective, either as a parent, spouse or significant other.

I am no different and have been going through my own adjustment as well.

I never truly imagined or could fathom the idea of really seeing Sniper home again alive and he has been home a month already. I had in the back of my head through his whole deployment, that I would never see him again and that is just a horrible thought. I hoped and prayed that I would see him again, but I know the reality of the life he leads and what he, as a Marine, is all about.

After the first time he was wounded, thoughts plagued my head with I will never see him again. That call is one I will never forget for the rest of my life. I can tell you exactly where I was standing, what I was doing when the call came and what I was looking at. I can still hear the conversation from us playing in my head. I live that day over and over again. Add the visual of the video I have seen with my own eyes. Of him blowing up, the Marine (Iceman) and the tree taking the brunt of the IED. My fears intensifies I had and still have. The nightmares still come all to easy, all the while Sniper is sound asleep next to me.

The second time he was wounded and called (plus all the close calls, bumps, scraps and bruises) had me thinking I now know for sure, I had seen him for the last time on January 25th at 0815. I had prepared myself for the worst. My head played nasty games with me the whole time and had me wondering "How am I going to make it without him?" "How am I going to live my life without him in it?" "I know I made him a promise, but can I really go on without him?"

The third time he was WIA just a mere few weeks from coming home. This one I never received a call from him about. I heard it from someone else. At this point I had stopped feeling anything, but being numb inside.

How do you shut this off? How do you change directions from all the fears you harbor only a short time ago? How do you have your mind comprehend and adjust to everything is ok now? You don't. It's not a light switch you can just shut off.

My mind daily is still playing tricks on me. I know he is home safe and sound. I see him with my own eyes, I can touch him, I can feel him, but I can't get those fears out of my head. I lay in bed at night and just watch him sleep. I just stare at him and hold on for dear life. Every time one of us leaves the house, my fears hit me square in the chest. I start reliving those times all over again.

I look at the pictures of this last deployment, I hear some of the stories and ordeals he went through and it always takes every ounce of strength I have to not lose it in front of him. I just want to hold on to him and never let go.

There are days and times I am still sad, depressed and cry for no reason at all. My mood is somber, melancholy. All it takes is a sound, song, thought or smell and it brings back the six months he was gone and what I was doing and where he was at. I look at him and just want to cry for everything he went through and sacrificed for us.

I know time will heal the wounds that I harbor, because let's face it those left behind have there own wounds as well. We may not have been there and done that, but we were left with the unknown fear and constant worrying. Basically we were left behind, helpless.

Looking back on the last 7 months our lives have changed, my life has changed. We will never be the same person we were before. With each deployment, Sniper has and will change as well. I will lose a bit of him every time . I also know, a piece of me will die as well each time. There is a part of us that dies inside and the innocence is long gone.

This was my first deployment with him and I can almost guarantee it won't be the last. We have already been talking about another round. He has had sooo many close calls the last two times in Iraq and that is not counting him in Somalia all those years ago. I am afraid he has played to close to death with each and every deployment and death is knocking on the door and ready to come in.

You won't hear me say I am not afraid, because quiet frankly it scares the piss out of me. I went through this one drug free, but drinking some nights way too much just to numb the pain. I will admit, before he left I did seek help to deal with my fears, I just thought I could handle it by myself and stopped going. Next time I won't be a fool. I will ask for help again and stick with it, because I KNOW I can't make it without it. At least not without being put in a looney bin.

For him, I do know he will proudly stand and defend our Country. Even if it means he makes the ultimate sacrifice while providing this. That is what he is all about. And me, I will stand proudly beside him, supporting him 110%, keeping those homefires burning, putting on the same facade that everything in our world is perfect, and dying a little inside everyday.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, all I ask is if there is any way, shape or form, for you to give me a little time before you go for another round.

A Simple Lie Is Not So Simple

2006-08-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

My family is one again. This weekend I have them all together. Sniper, Bubba, Lego Man & Drama Queen. Damn that is a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I am soaking it ALL up.

Sniper and I have been talking about my blog, this one. He is hoping, now that I know he reads it, that I won't continue to hold back or even start to. That I let my feelings still shine through. Don't worry, I won't. He knows how I feel and this is still my outlet.

Something that is still bothering me inside is a incident that happened last weekend.

Saturday, him and Wingman show up and I could see right off the bat something was amiss. Something had pissed him off to know end. It's not something I will talk about, it's personal and wasn't aimed at me. So we will leave it at that.

We made plans to meet up with another one of there friends, Cooter, at a local bar.

A little background on Cooter. She was a Corpsman, deployed with the two of them the first time they were in Iraq. She has since gotten out and now lives up here where I live. I have heard many stories from them about her. She will always be there "Doc." Something I didn't know is, she was the Doc (and Wingman), that saved Sniper's life. Her and Wingman, were the one that tried to save GySgt Reeder.

We met up with her (it was nice to finally put a face with the one that will also forever hold a special place in my heart, right along the side of Sniper & Wingman) and a few other former Marines and a Ex-Ranger. I sat back, listened and watched these Marines connect like no other way than those that have been there can do. I listened to the stories they told. I will always be the outsider around them, but I don't fret, I will always be the one who holds a special place in his heart, standing proudly right next to him.

The male to female ratio in this place was way off (3-4 males to 1 female).

T and I kept going up to the bar and taking shots, Sniper had few stiff drinks and a shot as well. Sniper kept a very close eye on us every time we walked away. He had good reasons to. Men just don't get it, when you, a female, are with someone to keep there mouths shut and hands to themselves. We had a one in paticular that just didn't get it. He was sitting right next to all of us. One of the times I walked by, he had the balls to ask if he could "grab my ass." Not a very smart guy.

This guy kept flirting with T and I.

Damn I could feel and see where this was going to get us. Sniper was still already strung tight and he is extremely protective of me. I didn't want things to go south. I kept Sniper in the dark, but I let Wingman know exactly what was going on and made sure I stayed close to the two of them.

Then I decided to play a game and marked my territory hoping this guy would get the point. No I didn't jump all over him, I just gave him a very passionate kiss. This is not something I normally would do, but I wanted to get my point across. Sniper knew, something was amiss right then and there.

That is when things got ugly with us, him & I, right there in the bar.

He asked me in that tone he uses all to well, "What the f*ck is going on?" That is where I made a huge mistake. I looked him right in the eyes and flat out lied to him. I kept telling him over and over, everything was fine and nothing was going on. The guy was sitting right behind him and he figured it out. Sniper told me "Let's go, NOW!!!"

We left and I didn't think it would or could get any worse. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!

We got into the truck and that is when he let me have it with both barrels. I have never heard that voice or tone from him towards me or even aimed at another person. Wingman turned the radio up real loud to drown him out. It was ugly. I knew I was in deep shit when he used my first name. My full name. Then he came four inches from my face and yelled at me. Something I never expected to hear out of his mouth, that "if I lie to him one more time, it's through between us."

My heart just dropped and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Those words crushed and devastated me.

However, I never backed down from my position. I held my face close to his and locked my eyes on his. I told him I would do it again in a heartbeat in the same situation. He was wound tight and I wanted him to come home with me and didn't want anything to happen. Yes, I know he could take care of himself, but that was not the point.

He feel asleep not to long after that on the way home. That is when I let my tears fall and they fell hard. I didn't realize how hard I was crying until T turned around and held my hand.

We got home and I ran upstairs before he could see me. I didn't want him to know how much it hurt me. How hard it was for me to look him in the eye and flat out lie to him. Wingman came upstairs, grabbed me, danced a slow dance with me, just held on to me and let me cry it out. Wingman & I talked for a long time.

Sniper ended up passing out in our bathroom. I went upstairs to check on him and ended up passing out next to him, still crying my eyes out. We both slept on the bathroom floor that night. I wanted to stay close to him.

I knew Sniper was wound tight before we left and had a lot on his mind. He has a temper and you add PTSD with it, I knew things would and could get ugly real fast. I just never expected it to be me it would have been aimed at.

Since that night, it is still bothering me. I keep replaying the whole scene in my mind. Not his temper. I don't ever worry about him hurting me physically. That's not his nature. But that I looked him in the eyes and lied to him. It hurts me to know how much I hurt him with a lie, a simple lie. I have never lied to him before.

We have talked it out and things are good between us. He would never leave me and I would never leave him. We are just having lots of firsts on issues that in 15 1/2 years that has never happened between us. Life has changed us. This deployment has changed us both.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I am sorry I lied to you. Even if I felt I was justified, it was still a lie. Something I have never done to you before. Something that has hurt us both deeply. I will always be open and honest with you, but (you knew that was coming) I felt it was justified.

Our love for each other continues to grow stronger by the minute and I look forward to our life together. I will always love you forever and a day with all my heart, body and soul.

Days Are Coming Closer

2006-08-25T07:50:00.001-07:00

As the days to Sniper's leave are coming closer to an end, reality is starting to set in again.

We have both enjoyed spending this time together. It's been wonderful having him home. Yes Sniper home, "our" home. It's been wonderful getting up in the morning and having him there right next to me. It's been wonderful coming home at night to the man I love. Coming home and getting that much needed hug and kiss after a long day at work has been comforting. Looking into his eyes and feeling all the love we have for each other. Soon, a phone call will have to suffice. It's been wonderful climbing in to our bed at night and cuddling up next to him. Hopefully, this will only be for a few months and then he will be home with us, his family.

We have been spending the last couple of weeks looking at a house, a home for "us." It wasn't something we planned, but something we stumbled upon. The house is absolutely beautiful and we both feel in love with it. It is a home perfect for us to raise our family in, grow in, plenty of room for a family of five maybe even six. No I am NOT pregnant, even thought I dream about what it would be like to have a child with the only one who ever mattered in my life. However, we both years ago made a decision that will not allow us to allow this to happen. Wingman might be the sixth one. All in all, we are hoping it works out and we will have a new home, our home.

It has me realizing how much I am going to miss him when he goes back to Camp Pendleton. It has me thinking about how lonely and heartbreaking it is going to be when life goes back to the way it was. How hard it is going to be to say "good-bye" if only temporary. My heart is already breaking thinking about it and let's face it, it's hard NOT to think about reality. Until then, I will cherish this time, no matter how short it is becoming with him.

We have grown closer to each other in the last 3 weeks then I could have ever imagined. My love for him continues to grow stronger by the day. How is that possible? I never fathomed that one. Standing next to him I can feel the love we have radiate off of the both of us.

We are still adjusting to "us." Life is not perfect and we will always have these adjustments, issues, heated discussions (this one has been interesting to say the least) and lots of love to give each other. Rather it is issues from him deploying, him coming home from a deployment, something the Marine Corps threw his way or just your everyday run of the mill life in general. We will take it head on, together.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart and saying good-bye if only temporary is going to be hard at the end of the month. We will just have to look deep inside our hearts, to hold on to the distance that will separate us.

Update on.....Well Us

2006-08-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I KNOW I haven't blogged much. It is not for a lack of material on my part. There is plenty. It is just that Sniper is home with me (and Wingman) & I will be damned if I am going to spend my extra free time (whatever the hell that is) sitting here typing. Besides if he sees me doing this, him or Wingman just might kick the shit out of me. Well, not really, but I like my ass where it is and don't need another good chewing out. Yes, over the last few weeks I have had to grow a new one from the ass chewings.

Life has been very crazy in the house with not one, but two Marines. I am going to have to get used to it. I don't see it changing anytime soon and Wingman just may become a permanent part of our household soon anyway. Yep, our house just may have 5 kids and me living in it (Sniper, Wingman, Bubba, Lego Man and Drama Queen). I bet you can see how much joy it will be with all the testosterone in our household. Then again me on PMS might just scare them all away......nah, I wouldn't want to do that. Life would be boring.

Things with Sniper and I are doing exceptionally well. The house is stocked with beer, lots of good food (where ever we end up at night) and plenty of "us" time. Yep, "we" are adjusting to us again. I am loving it!!!!! I feel like a little girl falling in love for the first time, but the cool thing is, it is with the man of my dreams.

My days I am still working and studying, but the night time is for family. I have been burning the candle at both ends. I am lucky if I hit the rack before 0100 and back up by 0530. Not much sleep here. We only have a couple more weeks together before we go back to the life we had before deployment (every 4 weeks). In the meantime I am just going to soak up ever hour I can.

Ok, off to study and ummmm work, since that is where I am at.

dyzgoneby

Tribute Gunnery Sgt Edward Reeder

2006-08-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

KIA August 21, 2004

Edward Reeder, 32, of Camp Verde, Ariz., died in Iraq's Al Anbar province after his Humvee flipped over and ejected him when it was struck by a tank. Reeder was born in Flagstaff and grew up on northern and central Arizona ranches. He joined the Marines after graduating from high school in Camp Verde in 1990. He was assigned to the Headquarters and Service Battalion, 1st Force Service Support Group, 1st Marine Expeditionary Force at Camp Pendleton. He is survived by a wife and two children.

Pat Potter recalls her great-nephew’s pet raccoon he had when he was 10 years old and a messy day the animal and its owner had years ago. "The raccoon chased the cat down the chimney, and they had soot all over his house, and he had to clean up all the soot," Potter said of Edward Reeder. "My favorite memory is of him and his raccoon."

After he graduated from high school in 1990, Reeder joined the Marines. His career led to service in Bosnia, Liberia, Somalia and the Persian Gulf.

"I think he decided that was what he wanted to do," Potter said. "His father was a cowboy, and maybe the military was a way out of ranch life."

He had two children with his wife, Christine, 10-month-old Jarrett and 4-year-old Sarah Ruth. "He couldn’t have died doing a better thing," his wife said.

Sniper - You, GySgt Reeder and his family are in my thoughts and prayers today. I will never forget that fateful day. It will be forever etched into my heart and mind, as I know it is with you.

Godspeed GySgt Reeder

"People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad." ~Marcel Proust

dyzgoneby

For Your Enjoyment, "Marines, Kicking Ass"

2006-08-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Warning, this one is Graphic!!! OOHRAH!!!

Some Reading Material for Ya'll

2006-08-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am sitting here typing on this silly thing. Yes, I should be studying and that I will today. I don't want Sniper (or even Wingman) coming after me after all. I do value my ass and I don't like ass chewings. They kinda hurt and are no fun.

Just some interesting news I found this morning while trying to shake the cobwebs out of my head.....and when will the MSM give up (aahh never)

Marines destroyed evidence in Hadithah (Give it up! They are INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY! Not the other way around.)
NEW YORK — Marines being investigated in the killings last fall in Hadithah of two dozen Iraqis, most if not all of them civilians, appear to have destroyed or withheld evidence, The New York Times reported.

Putting the Iraq War on Trial
When he refused to deploy to Iraq in June, Army Lt. Ehren Watada said he was following his conscience and upholding his duty not to obey illegal orders. But that didn't impress military officials, who promptly charged him with violating Army rules and sent him on a path toward a likely court-martial.

More Americans Regret Iraq War
- Many adults in the United States think their government made a mistake in launching the coalition effort, according to a poll by CBS News. 53 per cent of respondents think the U.S. should have stayed out of Iraq, up five points since July

OK, The Postive Stuff, because lets face it, the above shit just makes me sick to my stomach.......

172nd Stryker Soldiers discover huge weapons cache
BAGHDAD – Soldiers from 172nd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, Multi-National Division – Baghdad, detained two suspected terrorists and seized a large weapons cache in a warehouse during a search of Nur and Ghazalyia Friday in support of Operation Together Forward.

Officials see positive trend in Baghdad
BAGHDAD – The Iraqi people will need to play a role in building off the momentum of recent positive trends in Baghdad, said Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, Multi-National Force - Iraq spokesman, during a weekly operational update briefing.

Operations target al-Qaida in Iraq
BAGHDAD - Operations by Iraqi and Coalition forces this week resulted in the capture of well over 100 known and suspected terrorists and terrorist associates during nine raids between Aug. 11 and 18.

Grandma, 41, Among Army's Older Recruits
FORT JACKSON, S.C. (Aug. 19) - Margie Black had wanted to enter the military as a teenager, but having her first child at 19 put off her ambitions. So when she learned the Army raised its enlistment age, Black, now a 41-year-old grandmother from West Columbia, Texas, didn't hesitate to join. The decision took "about 30 seconds," she said.

Now off to study.....

dyzgoneby

Thinking Out Loud

2006-08-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am still here. I haven't gone anywhere, just been very busy. I haven't really had anything really witty or interesting to say. I have been studying a lot more, spending time with the munchkins and spending some much needed time with the love of my life.....Sniper.

Life is good.

I haven't even been searching my favorite blogs like I was the last few months. Not much time and Sniper might just kick my ass if I keep spending the same amount of time on the computer like I was. At least until I pass my Exam.

However, I have popped into a few and I am trying to keep up with those who have loved ones coming home soon or there loved one have came home in the last few months.

For those who have came home from Iraq, I have noticed lately, there is lots of readjusting issues and issues with PTSD.

Readjusting is hard for all of us. Yes, those that have been deployed to hell and back it is pure hell. I am not trying to diminish this fact in anyway. Those of us left behind and trying to readjust to having are loved one gone to a war zone, being shot out, wounded, endless worrying if tonight we are going to get a knock on the door, taking care of a family at home, trying to put on the facade nothing is bothering us and then him back home is also hard. Just on a different level.

We, couples are learning each other all over again, how to communicate, work together as one again. Our men have learned to shut off there feelings and emotions. This is how they survived, but we did this as well. Once home, we all have to re-learn to open up those lines of communications. It takes time and lots (and lots) of patience. It takes taking a deep breath and trying not to lose control.

You add PTSD to the mix and it can be interesting to say the least.

We (as females) can continue to hold back, afraid our loved one might explode. There tempers are much shorter than before. They can go from happy go lucky to extremely pissed in zero to 2.2 seconds for the smallest things.

But, you need to remember who the man is you feel in love with and that he is still there. He is still the same man, just a little rougher around the edges. Do not hold back what you are feeling.

The reason this has me thinking is I think I might have given Sniper the perception that I am afraid of him. Which is the farthest from the truth. I am not afraid of him. I know he would never hurt me, physically or emotionally. That's just not the man he is.

I just don't want his anger pointed at me, but isn't that what we all want as a female. We try to cuddle and we want to make everyone around us happy.

Hmmmm, just thinking out loud here.

I know things will never be the same as before. None of us can go back and change what has transpired through a deployment with them or within yourself. However, I think with working hard as a couple things can be better.

Follow me here.

When our loved one is deployed, all we have is communication. That's it, nothing else. Most of the times, it pulls you closer together as a couple. You learn to communicate more than most civilian couples. You learn to work together as a team, through the miles. You learn to make the most of everyday and make each of them count as if it was your last one. Reality is, it just might be the last days together. We all know this reality all too well.

Once home, why should it be any different? Once you get through the re-adjustment issues, even if that means seeking help (him, you or together), your relationship can be stronger than before.

Just thinking out loud here......now off to study.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I will always be standing proudly beside you. Even if that means another tour in Iraq. I will be here, simply because I love you and everything you stand for as a man and yes, as a Marine. I do understand.

More Adjustments From Me

2006-08-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have always been extremely independent. I have never really had anyone in my life that I could let my guard down and rely on, even friends. I have always been the stronger person in my relationships. I always made the decisions with my life and that was the way it was. I say something and that is how it was done. Simply, I have always wore "the pants." I know I have made really crappy decisions (until now) with the men in my life. It was just the way it was.

With Sniper it has always been different. I know I can rely on him for anything. He does what he says he is going to do and I never have to worry. I can tell him exactly how I feel and don't have to worry about his perceptions of me. I can be silly, funny, sad, angry, etc. We are friends first and foremost. Basically, I can be "me" and he loves me who I am.

Before the deployment I could talk to him and tell him exactly what was on my mind.

When he deployed I started "sheltering" him with "how I was doing." When he would ask "How was I doing" or "How I was holding up" or "How things were going." I gave him my typical response "fine" or "ok." I didn't want him to worry about me. I know he does any way, but I wanted him to stay focused. I didn't want him to lose sight. He had missions to complete and didn't need the added stress. Or so I thought.

I didn't tell him I would stay in my room for days on end and not come out. There where weekends I would sit and drink by myself to oblivion. Yes, days on end. There were days and weeks I would cry for endless hours worrying about him. At one point I was up to smoking 3 packs a day and I didn't think that was possible. I never told him how lonely and how heartbroken I was. I never told him, there were days I didn't think I would make it through the deployment. Not that I would leave him, I just felt I would rather life swallowed me up. I never told him truly how I was feeling.

I eventually pulled up my big girl panties and carried on, but I still had those really crappy days.

I never told him after the break-in how truly shaken up it has made me. How scared shitless I really was and am. How I spent the first two months locked in my room at night and wouldn't come out for anything, even food. (I was ok when the kids where home, but I have spent more nights without anyone here, than with). I still have nights I jump, grab my weapon and play Rambo through out the house. (The last time was a this last week). I still sleep with it locked and loaded right next to my head. I still lock myself in my room and don't come out until the morning. I'm not as bad as I was, but the fear is still there.

I "sheltered" him on more than I should have. Right or wrong, I just did. I took that part of our communication and shut him off/out. Those of you out there who have been going through this or went through this now exactly what I mean.

Since he has been home I am still doing the same thing. Last night we sat up in the wee hours of the morning, talking for awhile (via phone). He has been reading my blog and hadn't read it in awhile and saw what I posted here. I am still sheltering him. Instead I have came here and wrote how I am feeling or wrote in my journal.

Why?

I don't want him to worry about me (again, yes Sniper I know you will anyways). I want him to be able to re-adjust to life back home without the added stress.

However, he told me "I can't re-adjust without you." That was a wake-up call. He's right. I have to communicate with him on "How I am doing." It's a two-way street that I can't continue to only let it be a one-way.

I didn't realize that with him being home I would have my own re-adjustment issues. I never would have assumed it would be me. I just thought it would have been him.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I am sorry I keep taking decisions out of your hands and making them for the both of us. As I promised you, I won't "shelter" you anymore. I did what I did because it is my nature to shelter and protect those I love. I know you are fierce like a lion, a very strong man and won't break.

Leap of Faith

2006-08-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life we have to take a "Leap of Faith" and know we are doing something in the grand scheme of things that is for our own good. We have to know there is something bigger out there that is just around the corner, you just have to take a chance. Life is all about chance and the roll of the dice.

A friend of mine (she knows who she is) is taking that leap of faith and putting it into someone else's hands. Her and I have been talking for awhile about it. "Marine at Heart" know you are in my thoughts often and have been a good friend.

You have have got me thinking alot about this lately.

If I hadn't made that "Leap of Faith" with Sniper, we wouldn't be where we are today. I would still be wondering "What if?" I would still be crying my eyes out knowing how much I love him. I would still be dreaming what life "would have and should have been like."

It took me 14 years of torture on my soul and shear hell, but....now I don't have to wonder anymore. I know what and where my life is going with us. I know what I would have missed if we hadn't taken the chance.

Would we have made it back then to now? Probably, but we will never know and can't change the past. We can only change the future.

I am not going to look back anymore, ponder, dwell, and contemplate over this. It is what it is. Life had a different plan and direction for us during this time.

Sniper is my life. He is the first and only man I have ever loved. Ever. There has never been another person that has touched my soul to the core like he has. There has never been another person who has made me feel complete or whole as him. I have never let anyone as close to me as he is. He is the only one who I have been able to talk to and let my guard down with. He is everything and means the world to me. The love we have only comes around once in a lifetime. We truly are soulmates.

Yes, our story or life is somewhat of a Fairytale. We got a second chance and this does not happen very often.

Take that "Leap of Faith" today. Never look back on life and wonder "what if." Do something about it. Take that chance. What do you have to lose? Enjoy each and every day with "One Life and No Regrets."

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart body and soul! You really are my world.

Still on My Rant Here

2006-08-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

So again I forewarn you again, MY MOUTH RUNITH OVER.

"Democrats say plot shows Iraq war a diversion"

What the Fuck? I am not making this shit up people. These crazy left wing, dingbats are fucking insane.

"Five years after 9-11, it is clear that our misguided policies are making America more hated in the world and making the war on terrorism harder to win," Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts said.

What the fuck are you smoking Senator Kennedy? Are you fucking for real? Some one needs to put this fucking miserable bastard in his place. Any takers?

IRAQ FOCUS QUESTIONED

But Bush's foe in the 2004 election, Sen. John Kerry' of Massachusetts, said America was "not as safe as we can and must be" and in part blamed the president's focus on Iraq.

"This event exposes the misleading myth that we are fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here. In fact, the war in Iraq has become a dangerous distraction and a profound drain on our financial and military resources," Kerry said

What the fuck? A dangerous distraction? A dangerous distraction for who? Us getting blown up here in America?

What about before 9/11? What about The first World Trade Center bombing? Were we living in fucking la-la land and that just was a figment of our imagination. Did you forget Senator Kerry this didn't just "happen" when President Bush took office. This has been going on for years. You fucking left wing assholes, being pussies is what got us to where we are today.

What about the US Cole? Was that just some made up bullshit too? Again, what about 9/11?

HELLO FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!

Any one fucking out there, that get's it? Our world is changing and unless we stand up to these Fuckers/Terrorists, our life is over as we know it.

Rant not over, just need to work. Expect much more from this VERY PISSED OFF AMERICAN!

dyzgoneby

British: Foiled Plot Possibly Days Away

2006-08-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

CAUTION MY MOUTH IS RUNNING OVER AND I AM LETTING LOOSE LIKE A MARINE. I FOREWARNED YOU.....

All of you by now have heard about the "British: Thwarted plot involved 10 jets ." If you haven't get your fucking head out of the sand and wake the fuck up!

When is it that the Left wing, MSM, dick head people like John Murthafucker going to "get it?" The threats are real. We aren't living in a sheltered, tree hugging, everyone is happy go lucky, playing kissy faces with each other world.

These people want to fucking kill us! They want us all dead!!!

Oh what the fuck am I thinking *slaps head on forehead*, "It's all President Bush's fault." He was behind the latest attack that was stopped. Him and the Republicans planned it all. President Bush has been behind it all from the day he took his oath.....Ya fucking right!

Wake the fuck up people!!!!

This is real and you bet your ass 9/11 it is going to happen again unless we stop playing these pansy ass games and start kicking the shit out of these terrorists.

Too many people have forgotten what happened on that tragic day. Too many people forgot that we, WE were attacked. We didn't provoke this. They came after us and they will keep coming back. Unless we stand up and say enough. We are not going to tolerate this anymore. We will hunt each and everyone of the terrorist down and kill them. YES KILL THEM ALL and if some civilians get in the way, that's just to fucking bad. It's either them or us.

I am extremely grateful, men like Sniper are standing guard to protect our Freedom. I am extremely thankful he is not a pussy and defends this Country. Our Country! He has given more than most will ever understand, know or even fucking get off there comfy couches while sipping there lattes and sacrifice.

I just wish we, yes we as a Country, a Super Power, would just shut the fuck up, stop playing politically correct games and do what needs to be done "Stop fucking around and let our Military kill these MOTHER FUCKERS!"

Also, if I hear one more person bitch about the security measures the US authorities have taken, I am going to take Sniper's weapon and shove it up there ass and pull the trigger. Thankfully some people aren't' that fucking dumb.....then again try me.

dyzgoneby
Rant over for now...

Just a Simple Life Around the Casa

2006-08-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

Life is settling back into some what of a "normal" (what ever the hell that might be) for me since Sniper returned from the shitbox, oh I mean sandbox, oh I mean hell hole, oh f*ck it, since he came home from helping the Iraqi's gain there freedom and kicking some major Haji ass. Oohrah!

He is still up in Washington enjoying his two youngest boys until this weekend. Tomorrow I am dropping off Bubba at the airport to join his dad and little brother's for the weekend. The four of them should have a wonderful time together. It's been a few years since the four of them have been together.

As for me, the next few weeks are going to be crazy again. Oh what joy.

Sniper coming back here for a few days, back down to Camp Pendleton for a few days, back up here for another two weeks and then the both of us at the end of the month going back down to Camp Pendleton. I will be staying almost a week with him. Just the two of us and oh ya, Wingman (luv ya too). Back to life as I knew it. Late nights or all nighters, drinking, good conversations and oh wait, I can't tell you the rest of where this was going, but you get it. I can't wait!

Amongst all of this, I am still studying for my Series 7, spending some much needed "mommy" time with my munchkins and back to running.

My ankles are doing better. I know I wasn't supposed to start running until September, but I feel fine. Do you hear that Sniper, I feel fine. I am taking it easy.....sorta. Remember "No Pain, No Gain" or "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

I have pushed out my test until September 26th. I realized I am not ready, but getting there. The material is starting to actually sink in. It might have something to do with the fact of not worrying about the "next phone call" from Sniper in Iraq and what it will entail. Then again I am still worried about him. Just on a different level.

It's nice to be back to the land of the "Oh my f*cking God how am I going to get through this shit."

Uncle Jim, I can now drop and give you another 20 for procrastinating again on the studying.

Off for a run, then it's study time for me.....

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I promise to be careful.

Farewell Marine

2006-08-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Please take the time to view this beautiful tribute to our Marines.

I received this from a Marine mom and wanted to pass it along. I will forewarn you, tissue alert....

dyzgoneby

It's Hard to Be a Soldier and Harder to be a Marine

2006-08-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

This was sent to my email the other day from an email list I am on from Save The Soliders.

I for one am very thankful for all they do for us.

dyzgoneby

Show Some Support

2006-08-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

One of the first few milibloggers I started reading, oh so long ago, was Jack Army.

I was drawn in and captivated with him when he was serving his country as a recruiter for the Army. I watched and read him, his wife "Jill Army" and his family go from recruiting, the wraths of Katrina (in the midst's of moving), PCS'ing to Hawaii and now he has deployed to Iraq.

He is looking for people who are "Willing to Adopt" one of his soldiers. Most of them are young and single. Please, go support him and his Soldiers.

Also, go show his sister "Poop, Paxil, & Pagentry" aka Katy, some support. She just found out her husband will be deploying, as well to Iraq, in October.

Thank you Jack and your family for all you are doing for our Country. Your family gives a new meaning to being a "Military Family" and all you all are doing to provide "The Blanket of Freedom" for our Country.

My prayers are with ya'll for a safe return to Jack Army and Katy's hubby.

This American prouldy supports you all. Go kick some Haji ass!

dyzgoneby

Why am I still wanting to hide?

2006-08-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

For a few days I was fine. I felt like things were going back to normal. Sniper leaves for a few days and I seem to have fallen back to wanting to hide. I spent this weekend holed up in my room and didn't leave. I ignored 95% of my phone calls. Sniper's was the only one's I answered, but it was until after the 4th or 5th call and then it was when he called the house phone.

I know this is bothering him that I haven't answered on the first call. When he was in Iraq, I answered every phone call from him. My cell phone went every with me (even when I took a shower). Now, I just seem to leave it behind. Where ever it falls is where it stays.

I did do some studying, but not as much as I should have. I sat, listened to music and just stared at the blank walls around me. Completely lost in thoughts.

I just don't get it......He's home, so why can't I stop worrying?

dyzgoneby

Why? Simply put, we are not alone.

2006-08-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give ya'll some clarification as to "why" I write or whine on here.

This world we "the other side" live in, really is a small community. Then you take not living near a Military base where the support is closer. I live hundreds of miles away from anyone that understands what the life is like. Friends and family just don't get it. They have absolutely no understanding of any of it.

The struggles. The hardships. The loneliness. The heartaches. The ups & downs of this life. The highs and lows of your loved one in harms way. The never ending of not knowing what is coming next.

I started writing this to reach out for support, via this great forum of communication, technology. I have found I am in no shape or form alone. I have found others who are going through this with me or have been through what I am going through. I have found a huge support system to help me endure. I have made several friends along the way, I never would have meet other wise. In other words I am far from being alone.

I have touched others lives and comforted them in ways I never knew one could. The emails I have received have kept me in awe every time I receive them. It has given me a new understanding and appreciation of the American People and the Military life.

I could write or paint a picture about how "rosy" this life I live in and Sniper lives in is. However, that is not always true. Those who have been there understand what I am talking about.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful and supportive of what he and other's provide for our freedom. There are just so many sacrifices that they and the other's left behind give.

The fact that I (lil' ol' me) have supported other's and other's have supported me, is what keeps me going.

So, yes I may whine, rant or just make you think WTF is she talking about, but it gives other's a reassuring voice they are not alone. We are never alone.

Don't worry, I will continue to write on what this life is like. The good (we all know that the MSM isn't going to give you this perspective), the bad and the really ugly part of it. I know as of late I have whined more, but it gives me an outlet to speak out to other's that are going through this that "Simply put, you are not alone. "

dyzgoneby

Adjustments and Ramblings

2006-08-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

Trying to get back to life as I know it is slow going. Sniper has been up here for a few days and now is up in Washington visiting his boys (enjoy your time sweetheart with the boys, you deserve it).

This last week I was having a conversation with SM (Sniper's Mom) about the first week and a half Sniper has been home and how I was feeling. How down and depressed I had been. I went almost the first week and a half walking around like a zombie. Ignoring phone calls, not wanting to talk to anyone and crying endlessly. She told me, "Dyz, it's been a let down for you. It's not what you expected. It never is. It will get better, I promise." I am hoping, but not holding my breath.

I have read about what to expect being reunited and returning to some normalcy in life after your other half has been deployed. I thought I had prepared myself and thought I could handle anything thrown my way. My heart just assumed we would fall right back to the way things were before his deployment, but my head knew better. It's never what you expect, no matter how prepared you think you are.

Life had a different direction for me and I couldn't handle it. I am adjusting and doing better now.

Once Sniper came home this week (where his family & I live), life went back to some what of the way it was before deployment. We have enjoyed the last few days with each other. I still had to work, but at night I was able to enjoy "us" and his family.

The other night we (Sniper, Bubba, Bubba's girlfriend & I) went to the movies at 2220. Sidenote....do not, do not waste your money on seeing "Miami Vice" It has to be one of the lamest, dumbest, incredibly stupid movies I have ever seen. Then you count the blowing shit up with one just returning from the shitbox. Ya, lots of fun for him. We didn't get back to my house until 0145 (I had to be up at 0500 and work by 0730). We both decided to say "f*ck it" and pulled an all nighter. It was well worth every ounce of sleep deprivation I went through at work. We had a wonderful "us" evening. We both needed it.

He did make a comment though, where is all the beer you told "Uncle Jim" that would be here? Opps! I now have the fridge fully stocked with his beer.

Changes I have noticed.

His temper is a little shorter or maybe I am just seeing more.

He is more vocal and isn't putting up with as much bullshit anymore.

Conversations between us that result in "we won't go there" or "you don't want to go there." Life has changed us both over the last 6 months. We have never in 15 1/2 years had an argument, heated discussions or "stressing getting one's point across." This one is changing slowly.

We woke up his mom the other night with him telling me (in that Marine tone, just a little raised) "you don't want to go there with me." Oh yes I do....but I kept quiet and ended up just letting it go.

Sniper, you know what I am talking about and yes it is making this weekend incredibly difficult on me. I am trying to be understanding and supportive, but this is not easy. Reverse our roles. So forgive me if I wallow in some self pitty, have a somewhat pissy attitude, quiet, solem and drink a little too much this weekend.

It's always been interesting and becoming more interesting by the day, because I am just as stubborn at him, we both have a temper and I am having to relent (my personal decision) and just let shit go a lot more. At least I am trying to. Another adjustment for me.

A positive change, we have grown a lot closer through all of this. I didn't think we could get any closer, boy was I wrong. We have always been great in the communication department. Now, it has been turned up a few more notches. Is that possible?

What it boils down to? Life is too short and we take nothing for granted.

OK, off to study here, before I get another "stern" talking to. Damn that man knows how to get his point across.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I am looking to growing old (110) with you, celebrating are 50th wedding anniversary, enjoying our grandkids together and living in our dream house. My love for you grows stronger by the minute and I didn't think that was even possible. I love you with all my heart, body and soul.

Light Blogging for the Next Few Days

2006-08-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

Sniper is officially on leave and is up visiting here in Sunny Northern Cali.

On his way to his parent's house tonight he stopped by to say hi to the kids and & I first. It was a nice surprise. My munchkins haven't seen him since Christmas time. He made two little kids very happy.

He didn't stay long, just enough for some hugs and kisses all around.

He went to kiss me & drama queen grabbed the camera. She took the picture above. After a few pics, she ran out of the room yelling yuck. We both laughed as Sniper told her get used to it, you will see it 8 billion times again in your lifetime.

Uncle Jim, notice the beer. Yep, I gave him the only beer I had in the house. It wasn't what he normally drinks, but it was all I had. I guess I will be stocking up again. I got rid of it all, (threw it away. What can I say, he wasn't home and I don't drink it), when he deployed.

I promise to take lots of pictures over the next few days.

Dyzoneby
Enjoying having her man at home, well a close as we can get.

The End of Homecoming, Day 4

2006-08-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

I finally slept the night before. The exhaustion of the week, the adrenal I was running on, having Sniper home safe and sound, and healing finally caught up with me. It was the first time in a two weeks I slept longer than a few hours (unless you count the 2 days of a drug induced sleep). We got up at 0850. Damn that felt good. Sleeping with the man of my dreams.

We grabbed our cups of joe and headed outside for our morning smoke. We weren't out there more than a few minutes when we look over and see Red pull up behind us. Red had just drove back from dropping her boys off in Kansas and wanted to see Sniper when she pulled into town.

Red and Wingman were married for a long time and going through a divorce now. In the midst of all of this, Red is getting out of the Navy and moving back home to Kansas. She is a Corpsman that was deployed last year to Afghanistan and will be leaving soon. I also as afraid that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye before I left to come home. She made it home in time.

The three of us spent a few hours shooting the shit and enjoying each other's company.

Red left and I knew the inevitable was coming. I had to pack my shit and get ready to go home. I wasn't ready to leave. I wanted to stay there forever and not leave Sniper. I knew he was ready for me to go home. He needed time for himself. I wasn't ready for reality though.

He dropped me off at the airport and here we are...........This deployment and his homecoming is officially over.

dyzgoneby

Homecoming, Day 3 (Saturday)

2006-07-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

Bubba had decided he wanted to do something "fun" with his dad. Go to the Beach and surf. So that's where we went.

We all head out at 0830 to Hunington Beach.

Sniper decided he wanted to drive. Oh shit! He drove to grandma's house on Friday, but was distracted the whole way there, damn cell phone. Then again that was a good thing. I sat upfront with him, holding his hand. I could see him flinch when cars came too close. Things on the side of the road, he held tighter to my hand (still hearing the song in my head "When I'm Gone"). I have to say that was the longest 30 minute drive I have ever had. My hand was completely numb by the time we arrived at our destination. That was fine, he knew I was there with him every step of the way.

The weather was hotter than haties, but that morning it was chilly. Oh, and the water was a whopping 58 degrees. No frickin' way was I going near it. I kept thinking the whole time we were there, Sniper came 7,000 plus miles from hell to spend more time in the sand. Who in the f*ck wants to do that?

He went in the water with Bubba and they had a good time together. However, when he got out 25 minutes later, he was colder then a witches tit. He stood there shivering for the remainder of the time. His body was adjusting to the difference in tempature from Iraq still. Don't worry, I held real tight to him. Body heat is wonderful. :)

I knew he really didn't want to be there, but was making more sacrifices for everyone else. He will do anything for his family. When the f*ck is someone going to make a sacrifice for him? He sacrifces so much for his families happiness. He sacrifices so much of himself for our Country. For God's sake the man just came home from Iraq, from almost not coming home the same way he left. Some got it, but some didn't.

I for one am making a sacrifice now for him and my family. Studying right now, giving up my family and life as I know it. Passing this exam is going to mean the world to our future. I want to give him a life without worries. We know the Marine Corps life has taken it's toll on his body. Besides, it doesn't pay shit. A life he can relax in and enjoy. He deserves it. Besides he tried telling me he wouldn't see me again until after I pass the exam in September. Well, we know how I responded....BULLSHIT!!!! Over my dead body.

At this point, I knew Sniper was ready for everyone to go home to Northeren Cali. As in all of us, me included, to get the f*ck out of there. He had enough. He wanted to be alone. I understood as much as one can, but that wouldn't happen for a little longer.

That night he made another sacrifce for his family. We spent the evening at a BBQ with friends from highschool. We enjoyed the company, but again I knew he didn't want to be there. He preferred spending the evening at his grandma's relaxing where it was quiet.

He told me I needed to losen up a bit and relax. To have a few drinks and that I did. Honestly I was trying, but I was worried about him relaxing. I drank a bit that night. Ok, more than a bit, but he told me to losen up. Don't worry I wasn't inspecting the tile this time.

We headed back over to grandma's and he said his good-byes to his family. If I had my bags at this point, he would have dropped me off at the airport. We joked about it, but I knew it wasn't a joke.

Wingman, Sniper & I mounted out. Destination, Fallbrook. His temporary home.

Oh ya, his homeless right now and will be staying with Wingman until he decides (err, the Marine Corps decides) where his next move is. This one on, I will keep you posted.

dyzgoneby

The Twins

2006-07-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to blog about what else has transpired in the last few weeks, but I have changed my mind. I may decided not to keep it up, but will see.

For years I have always wanted to enhance what I had. Two kids later and they didn't look the same. I didn't feel comfortable about them. I wasn't happy about myself. This was a personal decision for me and one I really wanted to do.

Before Sniper deployed we had talked about having "The Twins" done while he was deployed. I wanted this done for myself, as much as for him (he is a man after all and a boob man at that). The plan was I would have them done this summer and have plenty of time to heal before he came home. You can see where this is going.

I did lots of research and received several referrals from friends. It's amazing how many woman have had it done. I found a Plastic Surgeon I liked and scheduled surgery for July 14th. The plan has been in the works for months.

If you haven't figured it out, this was one of the main reasons I had to quit smoking when I did. And we see how long that lasted....a few days after surgery and I was back into it full swing.

When Sniper called on the 11th to tell me he would be home the following week, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it. I was thinking about rescheduling for a month or two out. We talked about it and he was pretty adamant about continuing on as scheduled. As long as it was ok with my doc, I would continue on with the mission.

"The Twins" were born on Friday, July 14th. I slept all weekend and drove down drugged out of my mind on Monday. It made some interesting conversation with his dad, his 16 year old son (Bubba) and his cousin T. The conversation was never dull. I was surprised, but by Tuesday I was living on Tylenol alone.

When Sniper stepped off the bus, daddy was also introduced to "The Twins." It made it very interesting to give him that big huge hug. And yes, it hurt like hell and I had to whisper in his ear to let go a little.

It made the week a little more interesting. Healing, not be able to do shit, can't lift anything, in pain and wanting to enjoy Sniper. Let's just say we worked around it and it didn't hinder much. I am a quick healer.

Everyone around me knew I was doing this. When the shit hit the fan two weeks ago with him coming home, eveyone thought I was insane to have the surgery and then leave 4 days later. I look back now and maybe I was, but we decided this together and I don't regret the decision.

Since I have been home I have had so many people ask me, "How does Sniper like the twins?" Well he loved them. Duh. But then again I can't wait for the healing to be over, to see him again and him to enjoy them.

Again, it was a personal decision. Being a female, living in the world we live in (in California at that) and wanting to look good for my man. Wanting him to say "Oh shit, damn they look good." I didn't do anything crazy, I just had "The Twins" put back to where they were when Sniper and I were first together.

So as you can see Homecoming was a wild week for us.

dyzgoneby
Welcome Home Sniper. I hope you enjoy our "Twins"

Homecoming Pics

2006-07-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Deployment Pics

2006-07-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Back to Reality

2006-07-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

This week life went back to normal. As normal as one can be when there loved one has been through hell and trying to make his way back. It will be a long trip back. Then again, I don't think he will ever be back to the way he was before. There were too many demons this time around.

I have said it many times through his deployment this time, it was harder then the others.

He seen more and went through more, alone. He was the one who everyone relied on. The one everyone went to for anything, even personal issues they had. He....had no one. No one there for him to talk to, relate to. Everything he went through he did it alone. Then the beginning of June the shit hit the fan and he was truly even more alone than he was before. I am still not ready to talk about it, but soon.

As for me, I am trying to go back to my "normal" routine. But what is that?

My life pre-deployment was different. I knew what to expect. I had my friends. I had a job. I had my kids. I knew what to expect of "our" relationship. I knew when I would see him. I knew when I would talk to him. I knew what was coming.

My life during the deployment was different. New job. New friends. New routines. Endless hours and days of worrying and stressing. Countless times wondering what was coming next. I learned to deal with the punches and blows and continue on.

Where does my life go now? That is the million dollar question.

I know where my job is heading. I know where my kids are. I know what to expect around the house. I am just adjusting to understanding how I handle or deal with the distance of "us."

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. "Our" relationship is not going anywhere. We are in it for the long haul (I would never leave that man and would fight to the death for him). Through the good times, the bad times and times like now.

It's not in trouble. It's just different. I know it has only been a week, but it is hard not to worry. The distance in miles is harder than before to accept.

Some of this stems from a conversation I had with Gunny when I came back from Homecoming. We talked about the next move for Sniper. Where the Marine Corps was sending him next....

1. Recruiting Duty. This will be a long one that I am unsure if I like.
2. PCS'ng him somewhere else. Let's just say it could be a long way away from home. But, I will follow him anywhere the Marine Corps sends him
3. I don't want to think about it yet......yes, there is talk of another tour of Iraq already. God help me, I don't know how I can deal with that again, let alone him.
4. Not reenlisting and getting out. I highly doubt it though.
5. Unknown destination. This scares me as well.

Gunny has a different outlook though.

He was in 21 years. There when Beirut happened in 1983. Deployed, floats, westpac, countless times. The last time, he came home from being deployed, his wife of 14 years was gone with there kids and his stuff sitting in boxes (she moved to Texas). He knows how hard it is to live the "Marine Corps" life and lose everything you love. He talks all the time how he made soo many mistakes when it came to his family. If it wasn't for the life he choose he would still have his family. (Yes, he is remarried, but it's just different). He doesn't want "us" to experience this.

He gave me some food for thought and told me to ponder a few question.....What about happiness for yourself? What about happiness for Sniper? What about having a family? What about enjoying life? What do you both want? The road you are going down is a long, heartbreaking, and lonely road. Why are you both doing this?

I can answer for myself, but not for Sniper. I love him. Isn't that enough?

These questions just keep going through my head though. I can't get them out of my head.

This ended up taking a different direction then when I started...But in the end I wrote this to let those that are going through it or our getting ready for the re-adjustment period, what to expect.

I read "Down Range" and that has helped. If you haven't figured it out yet, yes there are PTSD issues going on around here and this is just the beginning.......

dyzgoneby
adjusting to another life

Homecoming, Day 2

2006-07-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

At homecoming I made Sniper's mom a promise. Since he was staying with us (Bubba, Wingman & me) I would have Sniper at his grandmother's house at zero dark thirty. Done. Her definition of zero dark thirty is before noon. She knows him well.

We were out of the house by 0830.

On the way out of town, we stopped back by the bar. Sniper wanted to show Retired MGySgt (A friend and the one who has his NCO Sword. He has been planning for the Marine Corps Birthday this year, cutting the cake with his sword in his honor. We will be there for it.) the video he made. MGySgt wasn't there, but he showed a few others. As I stood next to him, watching it, the realization of how lucky he was to be standing there got to me. How truly lucky he is. I couldn't watch the rest of the video. I walked outside and waited for him to come out.

A few minutes pass and we load up to head out.

I sat in the back and was very solemn and quiet. My tears started to fall. (The day before at homecoming I didn't really cry, at times just very quiet). With everyone in the car, I didn't want anyone to see. I put my sunglasses on and sat there quietly. The tears falling faster. The music in the background "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I just sat there thinking how very close he came. All that he had been through the last six months. My emotions just got the best of me.

Bubba looked over at me and grabbed my hand. I just stared out the window and held tight. Sniper noticed and asked what was wrong. I just kept telling him I was ok and my emotions are running on overdrive. It didn't take long before him and Wingman had me laughing.

We made it by 1030. We did good, SM was happy.

That night, was a Homecoming Party for him with all his family. His grandma, mom, sister and T made him his favorite meal, Mexican food. Let me tell ya, it is damn good. Everyone had a great time. Lots of family around.

We were hanging out outside, drinking, smoking and enjoying the conversation. I kept watching him to see his reaction with being surrounded by so many people. I was very concerned he would be overwhelmed. I had been worrying for the last month how he would handle it. He held up ok, until the fireworks from Disneyland started going off. The house was about 5 minutes away.

He jumped up and he headed into the house. Bubba and I right behind him. He sat down in a comfy chair and I sat next to him. His dad turned up the TV to try and drown out the sounds. It didn't help for shit. I knew he was exhausted and hadn't slept much in 5 days. I sat there rubbing his head and shoulders. Just my light touch.

I kept watching him. I remembered him talking about the song "When I'm Gone" he put on his video and how he kept saying that song meant so much. I kept hearing the words in my head

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

It touched me to the core. I sat there with him for about an hour and a half. Just holding him. Touching him. My mind was racing. I wanted to comfort him so much more than I could, I knw I did though. I wanted to make the demons go away. I wished it could have been me that went through hell and not him. He finally feel asleep.

That night we slept (I should say all of us, but him. Sleep doesn't come easy or often yet. Only time will heal.) in the middle of the living room. His parents right above are head, Bubba to his right and me, right next to him, holding his hand. I never did let go. We woke-up still holding hands.

dyzgoneby

Homecoming, Day of

2006-07-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

After we left the Parade deck, we decided to all go out to lunch to welcome him home. As we get in his truck to head out, another Marine gave that man another beer. As we are driving through base he pulls out these goofy glasses his Marines gave him before he left. (If you haven't figured it out already, he came home before them. That in itself is a whole other story. I might tell it soon, but let's just say Hadithah 2 without someone dying). He wanted a picture to send back to them in Iraq. This is what he looks like. A happy Marine with a beer, a smoke and some great music pumping through the truck. Shhh don't tell anyone we were driving on base with an open container. Then again I don't think he gave a rip.

We head over to the restaurant where we are having lunch. Sniper still needed to change, but no one was sure where we were going. We stop at the restaurant and he jumps out of the truck and again this is what we see.

His Grandfather (retired Marine Capitan) and him saluting. I have one before he left and we needed one when he came home. Just awesome.

We head back to the pad so Sniper could change. We were on a time limit. As Sniper is changing, I look at him and realize how much weight he has lost. He looks great, but a little on the skinny side. He lost 41lbs this time. I haven't seen him that small in years. At the rate he was going, I was going to catch up with him if he stayed on schedule to come home March 2007. That's scary.

Damn he looks yummy enough to eat, but we were on a schedule. That would have to wait.

He wanted to stop by his bar for a beer & see an old friend on the way back to the restaurant. We didn't stay long.

This is of T (his cousin), Wingman, me and my handsome Sniper.

T took this pic and I didn't know it until we came home and swapped pics. She thought it was sweet. Me, it is more than that. I was comforting him with know one knowing.

See, when he arrived at March AFB he was informed one of his Marines, Rambo, was Medivac'd to Germany. No one knew what happened or how he was doing. (Rambo is going to be ok and arrived home today.) Other than him, no one has been injured under him and 4 days after he leaves, this happens.

Rambo was the one who dropped him off to come home. Rambo has been a friend to him.

I have talked to Rambo before and during this deployment on the phone. A few weeks before they deployed, they were at the bar and drinking (nothing new there) and they called me up. I told you he calls me often and puts other Marine's on the phone after he has told them the "story of us." I really feel sorry for them, nah. Well, that night Rambo and I talked for over an hour about a lot of things. He made me a promise that night (I won't forget it).

He promised he would bring Sniper home so that man could marry me. So he could walk down that isle to me. He promised me no matter what. As things progressed, I told him that it wouldn't sit well with Sniper, if he came home and not Rambo. Sniper would take the bullet for him. Rambo has a fiance to marry. We had that conversation a few times during this deployment.

Back to the pic. As Sniper was sitting there, he wasn't mentally their. He was with Rambo. I could see it. I could feel it. I was worried as well. I grabbed his hand to comfort him and it stayed there for a long time. Know one around us knew anything was up.

So that pic means more to me, then most of the pics that were taken last week. Thanks T, it means a lot.

That night we (Bubba, Wingman, Sniper & I) had a some what quiet evening at the pad. We had are own time together as well. I just had to kick Bubba out of the bed at 0030. Gotta love a kid that misses his dad and wants to sleep next to him. But damn, I missed him to and we needed some "us" time. After all it had been a long time since we had seen each other. *grinning ear to ear*

Don't worry. I still have more stories from the rest of the week.

More pics:

Sniper's Mom & I

My first hug in 6 plus months from Sniper.

This picture just moved me. The happiness of a little girl, excited to see her Uncle.

Dyzgoneby
Who misses Sniper and can't wait for his leave. Soon. Oh so very soon. Don't worry I will have the fridge stocked with beer. That's a promise. Just don't expect me to blog while he is here.

Tag, I'm It

2006-07-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

AfSister thought I needed to come up for air. So here is more info about me, as if you need to know anymore.....

3 things that scare me:
1. Dying - I don't want my kids to grow up without me.
2. Dying before I marry Sniper - This is my worst fear.
3. Thunderstorms - You will always find me hiding when they hit.

3 people who make me laugh:
1. Sniper
2. My lovable kids
3. Adam Sandler

3 things I hate the most:
1. Crabby People
2. Child Molesters
3. Cleaning my bathrooms - I have 3

3 things I don't understand:
1. People who have kids and ignore them.
2. People who say one thing and do the opposite.
3. Series 7 Book - I have until September to figure this one out.

3 things I'm doing right now:
1. Smoking - Ya I know, not smart
2. Blogging - duh
3. Procrastinating - I should be studying

3 things I want to do before I die:
1. Marry Sniper - duh, that's a given
2. Build our home in the Sierras - Hopefully this will happen in the next 5 years
3. Sky Dive

3 things I can do:
1. Scrapbook - this is my passion
2. Take lots of Pictures
3. Drive my family insane

3 ways to describe my personality:
1. Outgoing - Another way of saying I talk to much.
2. I have a heart of gold - I am the type of person who would do anything to make a person happy.
3. Procrastinator - I always put off today what I can do tomorrow. It does get done.

3 things I can't do:
1. Play Golf - Ya'll already know that.
2. Cook - I am still working on that. I should just hire a chef.
3. Sew - Don't care to either.

3 things I think you should listen to:
1. Your Heart
2. Your Kids
3. Your Gut

3 things you should never listen to:
1. Nickelodeon 24/7 - It will drive you insane
2. MSM - That don't know shit.
3. John Murtha - Need I say anything on that.

3 absolute favorite foods:
1. Chicken Cesar Salad - I love salads. I can live on them daily and the kids and I do.
2. Chicken Enchiladas - I can't make them very well, so I have to rely on other people. Hey what can I say I can't cook well and don't like too.
3. Anything with Chocolate - I am a junk food junkie, anything with chocolate is even better.

3 things I'd like to learn:
1. Country Line Dance
2. Patience
3. Cook

3 beverages I drink regularly:
1. Coffee - I can't function without it
2. Pepsi
3. Smirnoff

3 shows I watched as a kid:
1. MASH
2. Emergency
3. Smurfs

3 people I'm tagging
1. Christy
2. Charla
3. Uncle Jim

dyzgoneby

Closing a Chapter of Our Lives

2006-07-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am home and trying to settle back in. It has only been 30 hours since I saw Sniper and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer. The time went by too fast. Along with that is a huge hole in my heart.

It started a few hours before Sniper took me to the airport on Sunday. We were laying on the bed and I was just rubbing him and touching him (get your mind out of the gutter). I kept going over the visible scars and kissing them. Each one showed me how lucky he was and there are many. To hear is harsh, to see a video is heart wrenching, but to touch those scars truly showed me how truly close he came. Each time I kissed them it took every ounce of strength I had to hold back the tears that wanted to flow.

Sniper dropped me off at the airport, the tears still didn't come. This was the first time. Why? I have been trying to analyze it since then.

I know he is safe. He isn't getting shot at. No one is trying to kill him now. There will be no more IED's or Mortar Attacks for him. No more fucking Haji's. Basically no more visible wounds. That made it easier.

However, for me I knew he has invisible wounds that will take a long time to heal for him. I beleive that is why I couldn't show the tears. I didn't and still don't want him to worry about me (I know he will anyways).

I am so thankful that with a Angle looking out for him, he came home alive. God knows he has used up over his nine lives this time. Yet, I can see there is a part of him that will never come home again. There is a part of him I lost on this deployment. I look into his eyes and can see it. I can feel it. It's not something most people will notice or you can explain, but I know him. War is ugly and he saw it full on.

It's going to be a long road ahead for him. I will be here to hold him, let him lean on me, love him or just hold his hand in silence. I will be there every step of the way, but right now I am not what he needs. He needs something I cannot give him. The understanding of someone who has been there. With the help of Wingman I know he will make it through. Yet, it's hard to look at the man you love and know you are so helpless and their is not much of anything you can do to help.

We have finally closed one chapter and now we begin a new one. I am not sure if this one isn't going to be any harder.

Don't worry I am not going anywhere. I have plenty to tell about the few days of homecoming. Well some things will be left behind closed doors, he is a man after all.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, listen to Rascal Flatts "My Wish"

"My Wish"
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Welcome Home Sniper

2006-07-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

Thursday at 0044 my phone rings and I jump out of bed to grab it. Who else would it be? Sniper was calling to tell me he was in Maine. YEAH!!!! He's finally on US Soil. We talked for a few and hung up.

I walked out to the living room and Wingman was up. We went outside, I smoked a shit load and we talked for a few hours. Yes, I did pick the bad habit back up and I really don't frickin care at this point. I couldn't sleep. Go figure. I went back to bed and was out by 0300.

0700 my ass jumps out of bed. Just a few short hours and Sniper will be in my arms. In the short time span it took us to get out of the house, Sniper had called 3 times. He wanted to make sure everyone knew exactly what time he was coming in and would be there. Roger that Sniper, Wingman has your six.

0900 Bubba, Wingman and I where standing on the parade deck where in a short time Sniper will be coming in. Go figure we where the first ones there. For thirty minutes we just sat in Sniper's truck. I made the mistake of stopping and getting coffee. I wanted to be awake. Duh, I don't think I needed any help in that department. All the coffee did was intensify the fact that I was so excited, nervous and elated. I wanted to throw up. I have some pics thanks to Wingman and Bubba, but I still need to get them.

0950, we were told the bus is at the armory at Camp Pendleton. Sniper is only a short distance away. My stomach had huge butterflies. I smoked at least a half a pack in about two hours. I was starting to feel it.

I looked around the parade deck and there wasn't many people there. Maybe 30 at the most. I started thinking where the hell was everyone at. One either because everyone was told they weren't supposed to be there until 1130 or two, just maybe there wasn't many Marines coming in.

It ended up being the later. There was only 43 Marines that came in. I always hear of these huge homecomings, huge crowds, lots of people cheering as they came filing off the bus. It was nothing that I expected. There wasn't very many of us there, but that didn't matter, we welcomed them all home.

1030, the bus rolls in.

Welcome Home Sniper

We all got are hugs and kisses in. No one was missed. I was able to run up and wrap my arms around him and give him that huge hug and kiss I had longed for, for so long. I never want to let him go again, but we all know that's not that part of the life he lives and I stand beside him on.

After everyone hugged Sniper, I gave him a smoke and Wingman handed that man a beer, right there on the parade deck. I never seen a happier man to be home.

I am home now and will tell ya'll more stories of the last few days soon. There is so much to tell. From the homecoming parties, are time together, the battle scars he came home with, a few more I found out about recently, and my trip home.

*Unfortunately Blogger hasn't played nice the last few days and won't let me add pics. If you click on the film loop on the top you can see some of them. As soon as blogger will cooperate I will post pics.

dyzgoneby
Incredibly happy to have her man home safe and sound.

Quick Update

2006-07-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

Just to let everyone know, Sniper is home....YEAH!!!! I wrote the last few posts early. I will be home late this evening and will let ya'll know what the HOMECOMING was like. I have lots of pics and can't wait to share with everyone.

dyzgoneby

Night Before Homecoming

2006-07-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

I now fully understand the 'hurry up.....and.... wait' bullshit.

I have been down in Sunny Southern Cali since Monday night. We hurry up get down here. And wait and wait and when you think the waiting is over, wait some more.

Early Tuesday morning we are all spread throughout the house and I am sleeping in a recliner chair next to Sniper's grandmother, when my phone rings at 0430. My phone was clear across the other side of the room and when I flew out of the chair to answer it I tripped over everything in my way. Who else calls me at this hour, but Sniper. He wanted to let me know he was still in Kuwait and wouldn't be at Camp Pendleton until Thursday, July 20th at 1000. He sounded so down. Apparently, he made it through customs and then they all found out the bird broke down and it would be an extra 24 hours in Kuwait. I talked with him for a few and hung up. I had a hard time sleeping the rest of the time.

Tuesday was pretty uneventful. I layed around the house with his grandmother and mom all day. I even took two naps. Lazy Ass.

Wednesday, a few of us got up at 0500 and went out to Newport Beach to pick up some crab. Bubba and I played in the surf for a little while. My pants were drenched by the time we were done. I was surprised how warm the water is down here. It was only 0700 and I wasn't cold at all. I would love to stay down here permantly. Only time will tell.

After we got back to the house, Bubba and I loaded up Sniper's truck and headed down to Wingman's house (he lives right outside the back gate at CP). The three of us spent the day goofing off on base and around town. I did receive a phone call this evening from Sniper's mom, apparently the time has changed once again, he will now be here around 1130 tomorrow. Can the time go any slower?

Tomorrow is Homecoming and the day I have waited so long for since I saw Sniper drive away. We are getting sooo close to the end and I can almost touch him. My stomach has been in knots the last few days and as the time gets closer, my stomach isn't playing nice with me.

The rest of the week is going to fly by. He has lots of family down here for the next few days.

I will be staying down here until Sunday. Then I will have to catch a plane to go back home to the reality before this deployment. I am very lucky though, I made sure I have an extra 24 hours with just him, after his family leaves. I am going to cherish the next few days with him.

This deployment has taught me a lot of things and one of those things, is my love for Sniper and his love for me, can overcome anything thrown are way.

8 Days to Homecoming
7 Days to Homecoming
2 Days to Homecoming

dyzgoneby
Less than 24 hours and Sniper will be in my arms again.

2 Days Until Homecoming

2006-07-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I am getting ready to take that drive down to San Diego for Homecoming.

It seems like it was just yesterday, I made the trip with my mom to see him off. You can read Sniper's Deployment Part 1, Part 2 & Part 3 if you like. The other half of me feels like it has been years since we have seen each other. The last 6 months has been one helluava rollercoaster ride.
Sniper being wounded, not once, not twice, but three times this deployment. Tying not to go insane when he called me the first two times to tell me he was wounded. I only flipped (went completely insane as I look back on it) out the first one. Second time, I just cried. Thrid time, well he didn't tell me, I followed a rabbit and went down a hole that gave me more info than I wanted.

Phone calls at all hours of the day and night. Or missing phone calls and trying not to throw the phone against the wall. I have said it so many times over the months, we were very lucky with the communication we had with him. The longest we went without someone hearing from him was 9 days, but let me tell you they were very long nine days.

Having my Garage broken into and listening to Sniper chew my ass (from Iraq) out for not putting in the alarm like he told me too. I am still hearing about it and it has been 6 frickin months. Sniper, I am listening........

Lego Man sicker than shit with H Pylori. It took a few months to have the docs diagnose it and treat him.

I started the new job right after Sniper left and with it came studying my ass off for the up coming exam. Just to let ya'll know, I am bringing my book to study while I wait for Sniper to come in. I just can't guarantee how much I will retain.

Picking up a new hobby "running" and have it put me down for 3 weeks. I am up and walking now and soon, I will be running again. Bring on August.

I have learned quiet a lot about myself over this time. I always thought I was a strong person, now I know I am a strong person. Little things that used to bug me, I just let it roll off me. I have found out who my true friends are and whom I can count on for support. It's not very many and that is pretty sad. Most people in general are superficial.

I am looking forward to wrapping my arms around him and breathing in his scent. Staring into those eyes I so long to see. I just want to hold him and never let go, but I know the time will go by fast and I will be returning home and he will be staying there. I can only pray recruiting duty comes quick.

Wingman, if I forget to tell you in the next few days, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me over the last several months. Also, thank you for putting up with all my whinny bull shit as well. You have been a great friend and a great little brother."

Sniper, I never thought this day would come. I promised you I would be here on the otherside, guess what two more days and we are there. I love you forever and a day.

8 Days to Homecoming
7 Days to Homecoming
Night Before Homecoming

dyzgoneby
We are almost there, I can taste it.

7 Days to Homecoming

2006-07-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

My emotions are on overload.

This morning and most of the day, it has been just that, another day. As the end of the day drew to a close, my emotions went into overload. I can't sit still. My mind is going 100 miles an hour and my mouth is going 160 miles an hour. I can't stop talking. I feel like someone has laced my drink with too much caffeine and then added more for laughs.

I wanted butterflies in my tummy, well I got them now. If we have 5 days to go and I feel like this now, what am I going to be like come Sunday or Monday?

The hardest part is, I can't really tell anyone what is going on. I made Sniper a promise, I wouldn't spill the beans until he is home. So here I sit typing this out, knowing know one will see this until he is home on US Soil. God what a feeling, Sniper being home. I want to shout it out loud. I want to tell everyone, SNIPER IS COMING HOME, instead I will keep telling my mom and family over and over again until they tell me to shut up or duct tape my mouth.

I just have to make it until Friday. Then I can sleep the remainder of the time away. You have to look hard and deep to figure this one out. Most think I am absolutely crazy going thru with it, knowing what is in store next week. Sniper & I discussed it and I am continuing on with that mission. It has been in the works for months and yes, I can change the plans, but we won't.

I guess I will go have another drink, maybe that will mellow me out.

8 Days to Homecoming
2 Days to Homecoming
Night Before Homecoming

dyzgoneby
Just a few more days!!!! I see a bright shining light and can almost touch him.

8 Days to Homecoming

2006-07-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

Hold on to your seat. I promised one heulluva rollercoaster ride and today it begins.

Tuesday, July 11th, I received a call from Sniper. "Honey do you have your calendar handy."

Me: "No, but I will find it."

Sniper, gave me the dates of when he is coming home, July 18th or 19th. I looked down and the tears were flowing silently. That's one week from today. Oh my f*cking Gosh. I am thinking, I knew it. I f*cking knew it! I have had a gut feeling the last few weeks and my worst nightmare is coming true.

I knew the next few weeks were going to be wild and crazy, but this shit can't be happening. I have something coming up on Friday planned that I have been planning for months (can't and won't change it). My Series 7 class is the week of the 17th and my Series 7 Exam is going to be sometime the week of the 24th. Sniper wasn't supposed to be home until sometime in August. I was going to get throught the next two weeks of hell, then start thinking about homecoming.

Now, before you all go getting your panties in a bunch and thinking I am off my rocker. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am elated he is coming home, I want him home. I want him safe and sound, but I want to be able to see him at homecoming as well. Somebody upstairs is defiantely not playing nice with us. Who the hell did I piss off?

Over the last few weeks, Sniper and I had talked about the what if he comes home in this time frame with everything I have going on. The plan was as hard as it was for the both of us to endure, I would not be there for homecoming if this happened. We would just wait until after everything is finished for me (the exam) and then we would have our own "homecoming."

As I am talking to Sniper, my insides were being ripped to shreds. I am thinking, I have to be there for homecoming for him, as he kept telling me, "I know you and I know you are already trying to figure out a way to be there. I thought a lot about this before I called you, you have to take your class and exam. There is no choice here."

Being there for homecoming is the one thing that I have promised him since we found out he was deploying, I would be there no matter what. We talked for a little while and then he had to go. He had more phone calls to make and let everyone else know.

We hung up the phone, I walked over to my desk and lost it, completely. This whole thing is fucked-up beyond belief. It took me all of two minutes and I was crying hard. The ladies I worked with all came over and started talking to me. They knew everything that is going on and just couldn't believe the luck we have had. They asked me what I was going to do?

I called my mom and asked her for her opinon. She listened to me cry and then gave it to me. "I have listened to you both for the last 6 months. You have to drop everything and be there for him." God I love that woman (I owe her so much more than I have given her the last few months).

I am throwing everything out the window Sniper & I had talked about and I will be there. The only thing that will stop me from going, is me being six-feet under.

I am going to HOMECOMING!!!

Homecoming for the both of us means a lot of things differently and the same. I have told you his take and his wishes. Mine are a little different. I made him a promise for the last 7 + months and I am not breaking that promise. I saw him on that bus and I am going to see him off that bus, end of story.

But wait there is more. See, I broke a promise 15 years ago to him. I promised I would be there for him when he graduated from boot camp. I broke that promise. You can read the story here again if you haven't read it already. I have had to live with the guilt and demons of every one of those choices I made all those years ago. I have had major deja vu's between this deployment and him leaving for boot. I should have been there for him then. Instead there was someone else in my place. This time I am going to be there for him. It is something I have to do for us. I hope this makes sense.

I have already rescheduled my class to August and will take it then. Even if I wanted to take the class next week, I wouldn't be able to concentrate and it would be a waste of time. Him coming home and me sitting in a class. It just doesn't make sense. I have made all the travel arrangements to and from.

Now, my question is how the hell am I going to concentrate for the next week? I have so much to try and plan and so little time. I have a banner already. Thank God, someone else had one from the group I belong to.

Ok, being a female here, I don't have a outfit that I want to wear, I need a haircut, my nails need to be done...etc. I know he isn't going to give a shit about what I look like, hell he hasn't seen me in months and it's all good. I just want to know I looked my best for him. Kinda like going out on a first date all over again.

Sit back and enjoy the ride this next week and a half, I promise it will be a good one.

Oh ya, on top of everything else, Sniper has another boo-boo to love thanks to an IED. Found that one out today as well. I am sooo glad this shit is almost over for him. If not, at the rate he is going, he would be covered in scars or worse.

7 Days to Homecoming
2 Days to Homecoming
Night Before Homecoming

dyzgoneby
I blew it today, I smoked and I don't give a flying rip. I couldn't take the stress. It's almost over! Yippy Fucking Ehh, Sniper's Coming Home!

Just Shoot Me Now!

2006-07-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Please someone, come take all this stress away.......I want all the drama to just go the f*ck away. I want a peaceful, quiet life and I want it now.

Over the next few weeks, blogging will be extremely light. I have lots going on and my head is too full. If and when I get time I will pop in.

I promise soon, things will be back to normal, ya'll can laugh at my crazy life and you can watch my rollercoaster life as we count down to homecoming together. Or you can just laugh at me, why I continue to go insane. Down the rabbit hole I go.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you with all my heart. Keep hanging in there, I see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWW

2006-07-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I feel a little better. This pretty much sums up my life right now:

Studying. The time is coming closer to this exam and the pressure is mounting. I have other things going on as well (happy things), and I can't seem to get excited about jack shit.

Sniper will be home sometime before the end of summer and I haven't been able to truly start to feel the butterflies. I am excited to see him, just my head is full with Bonds, Options, Margin Accounts, IPO's.....Ya'll get the picture. I am thinking about homecoming with him, but I want to Revel in it. I want to daydream of it. I want to help plan it. I want to make "Homecoming Signs." I want to do all those silly things you think about to make Homecoming memorable for him.

I have something else coming up I have wanted to do for years and I haven't even had time to get excited about that either. You will have to search through my blog to figure it out. Other's have asked me if I am excited. Nope, I can't get past this test. I really didn't think it would consume my life like it has.

I really need to find someway to blow some steam off and soon. Smoking is starting to sound better each day. Don't worry, I have only screwed up twice.

Friday, I had a "Girls Night Out" with some friends of mine. We ended up at a Country Bar and spent the evening Line Dancing. It would have been cool, if I knew how. I gave it my best try (a little drinking helped) and I did ok. I had fun and that's all that counts. I was hoping that would be enough "steam" to help me out. Nope.

Sunday, the kids and I went see Pirates' of the Caribbean. It was wonderful to escape reality for a few hours. The movie was excellent. I promise I won't give any details away. Let's just say, the three of us can't wait until the next one comes out. It defiantly leaves you hanging and wanting more, but the ending did piss me off for doing that.

Back to blowing some steam......hmmmmmm........I haven't been out to the range in awhile, maybe I will have to head out there this week. Shooting the shit out of paper targets and imagining them as something else, might just be what the "doctor" ordered. Then again, the "doctor" might be better off just running. (I love you Sniper and no I don't listen for shit).

Intermission over, back to studying.

dyzgoneby,
Soon life will be back to the way it was before......Quiet and boring. YEAH!!!! I am looking forward to it.

Feeling the Love

2006-07-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I haven't heard much from Sniper (Please do not misunderstand me when I say this. I am not complaining one bit on the communication we have had over the last 6 months at all). It's not for a lack of not wanting to on his part, just somethings have changed and communication is sparse. The one way I have been able to reassure myself that he is "ok" is by going onto his myspace and seeing when the last time he was on. The power of the internet really is incredible.

This morning I noticed he posted a few more pics. The one below caught my eye when I read the caption he put underneath "This is my M-40 Sniper Rifle. Her name is on the case!!"

Most will never understand the feelings behind this for him, but I understand and that is all that matters. I have heard from him and other's about "Jenn," but to actually see it, puts me in awe. My emotions got the best of me and I just let the tears flow freely this morning.

Sniper, as I told you already, may "Jenn" protect you and keep you safe, until the physical "Jenn" can wrap her arms around you, provide you with a different kind of protection and a comfort you have never experienced with anyone but her.

Another picture that caught my eye is the next one.

"Providing you with the Blanket of Freedom. Sleep tight, We're on watch"

To me it is a powerful photo. I honestly cannot adequately express with my words and come thru with the justice it deserves. It is a awe inspiring, beautiful photo and is by far my favorite.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I feel the love in your heart all the way across the oceans. I will always love you forever and a day.

Standing on the Edge

2006-07-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

You ever feel like you are standing on the edge of a cliff and not sure which direction to head? Your not sure if you should jump, run the other direction or just drop where you are at and curl into a ball and cry. I am at that point. I am teetering on the edge and I am realizing if something doesn't give soon, I am going over. I know I need to let somethings go, but I am not sure how or what.

I have already given-up my kids for the last 8 weeks (I miss the hell out of them and can't wait to get back to a normal life). I have already given up my side business (someday I will go back to it). I gave up cleaning my house (don't look at all the dust bunnies everywhere). I gave up putting laundry away (you should see the huge clothes pile in my room). I gave up doing yard work (I don't think anyone wants to continue to fix everything I break anyway). I am trying to stay off the computer more. There isn't much left.

I work (think about Sniper and the exam), study (think about Sniper and the exam), sleep (think about Sniper and the exam). Pretty exciting life I lead. So why can't the stress just go away.

I am also too the point where other's are taking notice and feeling it as well.

A few weeks ago is when I started to notice it more. My mom called me to say good morning, within the first minute I yelled at her and told her I had to go. It wasn't until a few hours later, when I looked down at the calendar, realized I had f*cked up good, it was my mom's birthday. I ended up calling her back crying and apologizing, but the damage had been done. She may have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself. This morning my mom called as usual and I let loose on her again, then started crying. I don't think she is going to put up with my bullshit much longer. My emotions are running all over the place again.

At work today, Gunny pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok. I answered him with my typical response "Yep, I'm good to go." He could feel the stress radiating off of me and asked if I regretted transferring with him. Nope, I am happy with the decision I/we made. I am looking forward of taking care of Sniper and being his Sugar Momma. I just want to get past these damn exams, they are truly killing me.

Studying for this exam has been a bitch (which at the rate I am going isn't going to happen in 2 weeks). Some of this shit just isn't sinking in. I am trying, but my mind just continues to wonder elsewhere.

And right on queue.....It just dawned on me as I was reading the first few paragraphs of this, my mood turned to shit when I became side lined from my ankles. I need to get off my lazy ass and do something. If it wouldn't be pushing it and wasn't so dark out tonight I would take a run. Not that I can run quiet yet, but soon. I can walk a few miles though.....

hmmmm, maybe I will get a flashlight.....

I am going to have to try this tomorrow and hope that helps my mood. The only other thing would be holding Sniper in my arms, but I have to wait just a little while longer for that.

dyzgoneby
Sniper, soon you can come put your boot up my ass and keep me in line.....maybe. Then again, I think I will relent and start listening to you. I love you.

Providing the Blanket of Freedom. Freedom is NOT FREE!

2006-07-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I talked it over with Sniper and we have decided to have me post the video he made awhile back after he was wounded. (If any of you can help this blogger out on how to copy it off of myspace, I sure would appreciate it.)

Click the Title or Click here.

You may be wondering why I would post something like this? Especially since this is something very personal to us.

I am not posting this as something to brag about what "Sniper" has done. There is no atta boy coming from me. Quit frankly he is just doing his job, protecting the American people and helping the Iraqi's get there chance at freedom.

The only thing you will hear from me is "Thank God it wasn't his time and someone was looking out for him." I am doing this for you to understand a little of this world I/we live in. I am doing this because:

Many Americans will never understand that Freedom truly isn't free and how many sacrifices are made for our freedom.

Many Americans will never understand what it is like in a combat zone.

Many Americans will never understand what it is like to have your loved one call home to let you know they were wounded (twice).

Many Americans will never understand what it is like to see your loved one off, only to see them return home a completely different person than when they left. The innocence is gone.

Many Americans will never understand what it is like to have a loved one make that ultimate sacrifice and the families left behind trying to pick up the pieces.

"For those who protect it, Freedom has a taste that the protected will NEVER know."

*To my knowledge, IceMan is still in a coma from the IED blast. My prayers are still with him, his family and Sniper.

Dyzgoneby,
Sniper, thank you from the bottom of my heart on so many different levels. I will love you forever and a day, see ya in our dreams.

Homecoming Anxieties, Mine

2006-07-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

You ever sit and wonder what homecoming will be like? All the people standing around waiting for the first view of their loved ones in months. People holding up "Homecoming Signs" for their loved ones. The crowds cheering as they come off the bus. The people running up and getting that first kiss and hug in months.

The closer it comes, the more I am and it's not all good. You hear about the excitement from those left at home, but do you ever hear the frustrations, apprehensions, anxieties or fears? You can all guess my excitement, so I won't talk about that, but I will talk about the later.

This deployment being my first deployment with Sniper as his "significant other" and not just knowing he is gone again brings different feelings. It has been the hardest one he has had since his time in the Marine Corps. You have heard of him being wounded, but I haven't let on about anything else. Yes we know war is ugly, and trust me Sniper has seen it all. There are lots of issues going on at this point. I am still waiting before I can tell and it probably won't be until he is stateside.

He has always wanted a homecoming. Since this will be his last deployment he will get his wish and he has made sure we all know we are expected to be there. He said he would go with the flow with whatever his mom wants to do (he will continue to make sacrifices for everyone else's pleasure), but he told me he would like it if we all could have dinner & go to his bar the first night (low key), bbq the next day. Let's just say his wish probably isn't going to happen.

I am worried about what it will be like watching him come off the bus, with his whole family gathered around. There will be roughly 20 people coming from all over. I know everyone is going to be pushing to get that "hug and kiss" from him. They are all going to want his attention. Me, I dream of just finding a bench and waiting for everyone else to hem and haw over him and watch from the sidelines. I just want to blend in with the scenery. It's not because I don't want to be the first one. I just don't want to overstep my bounds with anyone around us.

I am very worried about how he is going to be around so many people. I can see he is going to be pulled into so many directions. I don't think he will tell anyone he needs a break and I don't think most people will know when to back the hell off. He will endure the bullshit and once everyone is gone, then let loose.

I tried expressing to him that I would only go down for a day or two, I don't want to overwhelm him. I would rather he spend the time with his family (yes, I know I am part of his family) and not have to worry about me. I also tried telling him I would get a hotel room for myself (this is a story in itself). I know he will have leave time & figured we could play catch up then or I could fly down another weekend afterwards. Needless to say, he took it the wrong way and thought I just didn't want to be there, which is the farthest from the truth.

What I want is "homecoming" to be a relaxing environment for him and not the bullshit I can see that is going to happen. If that meant taking one less person, me, out of the mix, then so be it. I don't know how to express that.

Yes, I am so excited to see and hold him again. This is the man I have loved for so long. I just want to wrap my arms around him, hold on tight and never let go. I don't know how to express how deep my love runs for him and that I would do anything in the world for him. I would sacrifice anything, including my happiness for him. He has made enough sacrifices for everyone else, it's about time other's did this for him. Does this make sense?

I am just feeling a very overwhelmed at this point. I feel more overwhelmed for him more than anything. I am even having nightmares over this (this is not a joke or exaggeration). I know it's stupid, but it is bothering me to no end.

I know this is supposed to be a happy time & I am supposed to be excited, but I can't get past the whole "homecoming" crap that I feel is going to happen. I am almost dreading it and if it wouldn't upset him, I would rather wait until his leave to spend time with him. Can you tell?

I haven't even had a chance to stress too much over the digression issues that will happen as well. That in itself is a whole other long story and more stress.

At this rate I can almost guarantee I will have an ulcer, drop the 15 lbs I have gained from lack of an appetitie and the no smoking, probably won't last much longer. I can't drink myself into oblivion as much as I would love to.

Dyzgoneby
Counting down until Sniper is in my arms again, please give me strength to help him.

Blowing A Little Steam Here

2006-06-30T05:16:00.000-07:00

If you have a few moments, you all need to stop by "Heavy: Lift With Caution" and listen to the crap (Anti Bush) he and his followers spew out of there mouths. It sound more like a take right off the front pages of the NY Times Bull Shit.

I am posting my response on my site, simply because I want to besides, it will give ya'll a little more insight into my beliefs and where I stand.

You will have to read his post and comments to understand where I am coming from. So go read it here and come back to read my response.

First off Sarin Gas: Over the next several years these men, mine included, who have had that crap blown up around them (not including the other chemical weapons blown up around them) have more physical symptoms and alignments I will tell him that "the shelf life was only a few weeks and it was just toxic waste." They all must be dreaming, there were no WMDs in Iraq and you are just making this up to make Bush look good. I can guarantee there are WMD in Iraq still, but I am talking to a brick wall here.

I never said you were ungrateful for the troops, that was how you interpreted my words to you. Kinda how you interpret all that you read (NY Times) and listen (CNN) and form/believe everything you see and hear.

America's Freedom was not dismissed with this Administration, if anything the past administrations have f*cked it up, hiding like a bunch of pansies, thinking it will all smooth out. Bush and his administration weren't in office all that long before 9/11 happened. Was he supposed to do what your lovely Clinton did and pull the covers over his eyes and let Bin Laddan and Saddam (yes I believe he had something to do with this as well) get away with what happened? Bush had the "balls" to go in and do something about.

Back then everyone thought this was "Good To Go."

Once things turned ugly, which lets face it War is ugly, the Dems and the Left started to whine about every little frickin thing. When our "Boys" screwed up at Abu Ghraib that was all we heard and still hear about. But everyone keeps dismissing and forgetting about the beheading's and torture that have taken place against our own. Including Private Kristian Menchaca and Private 1st Class Thomas Lowell Tucker, which unfortunately not much has been said in the MSM about them. Personally, I will never forget each and everyone of them.

And I don't want to hear "well we shouldn't be there anyway" bullshit.

The reason this is taking so long is people with your thinking and ideologies with our "Civil Liberties" have got us dancing around, trying to make sure we are not "upsetting" or "violating" anyone's rights. Rights my ass, the minute they come after us, they have no rights. We are there and need to stop pussy footing around and kick the shit out them (the terrorists) and bring our boys home. Plain and simple to me.

As to "this Administration with their dismissal of the Geneva Conventions, their illegal domestic spying programs, and countless other attacks on civil liberties" is just plain crap. Thank God we have programs and a Constitution that protect our Country. We would not have survived this long with out it.

The problem is, now there is no loyalty to "us." Our society as a whole is only looking out for what's in the best interest of themselves and there pocketbook. We have become a "all about me" society. God forbid, we step on someone's toes, by keeping an eye on where "illegal monies" are flowing to or what and where illegal people in our country are going and doing.

Oh ya, and as for the "we control the oil" bullshit, it is just that Bullshit. I don't see anyone of us benefiting from the "oil we control."

"What they told you was bullshit. The WMD/terrorism stuff was bogus." You must be smoking some good shit to believe that.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, thank you for fighting to protect our freedoms and the freedom of all of us to voice our opions. Even ones who are smoking crack.

Count Down Is On

2006-06-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am taking a small break from studying with the count down until Sniper is home I can't concentrate for shit. Honestly, like I could before with all the crazy shit that has gone on in the last few weeks (in do time I will tell). However, there is even more crazy shit going on this summer.

Originally, Sniper wasn't scheduled to be home until March of 2007. Well, shit happens and things change. I have already learned not to count on anything when it comes to him and the Marine Corps. I have known for awhile that this deployment had a small chance of only being a single rotation, instead of a double rotation. I just haven't wanted to get my hopes up. Well throw that out the frickin' window because as it gets closer, it looks like he will be home sometime before the end of summer. Due to OPSEC and the fact that I value Sniper's life I can't tell ya when. But, HOT DIGIDY DAMN, SNIPER IS COMING HOME!!! YEAH!!!!!

With that said, I had sooo much shit planned to stay busy for me. I needed to make the time fly. Well, it looks like I am going to get bit in the ass again, royally. My schedule:

June - my Son Graduates from 6th Grade on Friday, both kids out of School; July - Study, Series 7 Week Long Class, Series 7 Exam; August - Study, Exam; September - Study, 2 Exams; October - Boot Camp Challenge

This isn't including my normal I have too much piled on my plate. I am a mom who misses the hell out of my kids, giving up my side business, spend time with my deprived family. Oh yeah and in the middle of all this Sniper is coming home and I need/have to spend time with him. I just have to figure out how. Anyone got any ideas?

This thing with my ankles is putting a damper in all my plans as well. I have too much pent up energy and can't stay still. Besides I really want to run in the Boot Camp Challenge.

I am not running just to run, there is a group of us who are running for The MarineParents.com Care Package Project. The proceeds will go to send more Care Packages to our troops (Sniper has also been a benefit of this). So when we run this, we will be running to Support our Marines. (As my schedule relaxes a little, I will be posting more info on this and if you are interested where you can donate).

I so far only have one person on my team. I have no idea who he is, other than he is a Marine recently returned home from Iraq and wants to give back to those who helped support him when he was deployed. I just need to find at least on more person to run with us.

I wonder if I can talk Sniper into this. Think we can convince him? I doubt it too, but I am going to try. It sure would be fun to run with two Marines and this slow, I am so going to get my ass kicked Civilian.

Sniper, what ya say....will you help this cause?

Back to the Count down, it is coming fast and fierce upon us all. This rollercoaster isn't anywhere close to ending and I am actually feeling it pull me in different directions again. My emotions are becoming more intense, thoughts are a little on the extreme side. It's going to get a little bumpy around here.

But, don't worry, once he does return, I will be continuing to blog (hopefully more). The next adventure will be a wild one as well. Recruiting Duty. I am so excited and can't wait for that chapter to begin (sarcastic here), but let's get us through this one first.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, I am waiting for your answer. Honestly think about it. Maybe we can even talk Wingman or Bubba into joining us as well.

Your Laugh For Today, Your Welcome

2006-06-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Thought I would give ya'll another update on my "screwed-up" not cooperating ankles/feet.

I couldn't walk this weekend, I had to crawl up and down the stairs. It's not funny people, I have way to much energy to sit on my a$$. It was so bad, I even had Drama Queen come home to.....are you ready......take care of me. This is beyond pathetic.

Today, I get up at 0500 and thought I was going to get ready for work, jumped out of bed and....... are you ready for this one.........fell. My feet didn't want to cooperate. This is starting to piss me off. I got up and sat on my chair. Yes, it is some what funny. I can laugh at myself, but I have a life and this is not in my plans.

I wait around until 0730 and call the doc. They scheduled me a appointment for 1110. Drama Queen was here and I asked her if she would go with me to help.

As we are getting ready to leave it took her another 10 frickin minutes to get out the door. She was bitching she was hungry. Then she couldn't find her DVDs. Then it was her head phones. (she wanted to take her portable DVD player to keep her company) Now, I know where all this stuff is, but it is upstairs and it literally would take me 5 minutes to get back up those damn stairs and grab it for her. I told here exact location and she starts crying she can't find it. At this point I don't give a flying leap where her shit is, I am ready to go.

At the doctor's office, she is becoming more of a pain in the ass. I went in to see the doc. Down to take x-rays and back upstairs to the doc. The whole time she is complaining she is hungry and "I" didn't pack her anything to eat. Not my frickin' problem.

When the doc comes back in, she tells me I have Achilles Tendonitis in both my feet. I need to stay off of them (thankfully I didn't tell her I played golf on Friday), ice them, another prescription of happy drugs / anti-inflammatory, physical therapy and use crutches for awhile.

Drama Queen helps me back into the car, complaining the whole way she has to carry everything and she's tired. All she is carrying: my purse, a book for me to read and her DVD player. That's it. Then she starts bitching the DVD player "scratched" her leg. Can you now guess why I call her "Drama Queen?"

I couldn't get Jedi over to the house to pick her up fast enough. I needed a break from her "I'm bored" I'm hungry" "you won't play with me".... I really didn't have the patience. Don't get me wrong, she is a good kid. Just a little on the dramatic side.

I called into work and let them know, I would be there tomorrow.

A little while later a co-worker calls me just laughing her ass off, "I hear you are coming into work tomorrow on crutches." Laughing hysterically, "How and what did you do?"

See she knew the answer already. She is one of the runners at work who gave me advice I didn't listen to. She than precedes to tell me, she used me as an example at a "Team in Training" meeting this weekend of "WHAT NOT TO DO."

Can you imagine what work is going to be like tomorrow? I already feel like a huge dumb ass. Now I even have it painted on me. This is complete bullshit for someone who is just trying to get into shape by running.

I relayed all this to Sniper today and he tells me to join the gym. It might be a little easier on me.

How hard can it be to run and not hurt yourself? If I did this running, can you imagine the damage I can do at the gym? I don't know if Sniper is going to like what he comes home to....me all wrapped up from head to toe.

The positive spin to all of this: See that book next to my damn, old frickin feet? I guess I won't have any choice but to study that damn thing.

Dyzgoneby
Sniper, you honestly may want to rethink the whole gym idea for me. I am game, but I don't know if my body is going to play nice.

A Few More Pics To Chew On

2006-06-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

Another bunch I wouldn't want to mess with...

One less cache from the "bad guys," one point for our "Marines."

dyzgoneby
Sniper, in case I haven't told you lately, THANK YOU for keeping us all safe.

What We, As A Society, Take For Granted

2006-06-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

The other day at work I popped up into my myspace. Now before you go thinking WTF, I have family I keep in touch with this way, including my cousin in Germany. I checked out Sniper's page, lo and behold he had a picture up. He hadn't been on it since before boots on the ground.

I sat there for a long time and just stared at that picture. I even made a few comments about how he looked. A few of my co-workers came around to look at the picture. That's when they asked "Is that the first time you have seen him?" I sat back for a second and kept staring at the picture.

"No, I have seen a video of him from CNN a few months back, a picture of him on the 1st MLG website (again a few months back), and a DVD he sent to all of us a month and a half ago. He looks great. He said he lost weight, but WOW."

The Video a friend of mine found online and the picture I found. I was on top of the world when I saw them. Why? Most people won't understand or think you may be a little morbid or sadistic, but it means they are alive. It also is the closest I will see him in a very long time.

Another co-worker looked and said "Is that a gun he's holding?" I just laughed.

She is a really sweet person (no Sniper you can't have her, she would eat you alive), but lives in another world. One that some days I wonder what it is like to live in. One where you don't take for granted the little mundane things of life.

What will you eat for dinner? What's on TV? You have so much laundry to do, how are you going to do it all? Can you go another night without going grocery shopping? Do you have time to get your nails done? Do you need a new outfit for a party this weekend?

Instead you wonder....

Whether you are going to here from your loved one today. And when you do, will this be the last time you hear his voice. Catching a glimpse of him on the internet/TV. Is he warm? Is he safe? Is he going to be wounded again (this is one I worry about more)?

hmm......

Yesterday morning, I got up and looked again. I didn't see anything new, but I realized Sniper was on. I was able to talk to him for a few minutes. Before you go thinking........yippy skippy, that was the first and only time in 5 months I have talked to him online. Again, think about what most people take for granted. Sending emails or IMs and getting a response is no big deal in most people's world. I know I am able to talk to him more than most in this world and believe me, I don't take that for granted either. Picking up the phone just to say "Hi" or "Hey, what's for dinner?" Think about it.

This morning when I woke I, I jumped out of bed excited as to what I would see next. Kinda like a kid waiting for Christmas, except this isn't Christmas, it's the life I live in. I popped in and Sniper posted more pictures and it had me thinking about what we as a society take for granted everyday. Look at these 3 pictures.

Do you notice anything most people would take for granted? Take a real close look. I am sure you can find something. Not how most people live there daily lives is it? I know I don't wear a kevlar on a daily basis or a 9mm.

Personally, I like this one of Sniper sitting on the Humvee. However, he looks very hot, tired and ready to get the hell out of there.

Notice where these guys are sleeping? Think about that as you climb in your comfy bed tonight. Think about this picture as you cuddle up with your pillow and blankets.

Notice anything about the humvee? I don't know the story behind it and I don't think I want to know. I do know this is the reality Sniper and his Marines live in. As I look at that picture, I can conjure up lots of scenarios. I don't like what they are. I know where Sniper sits and all I can think about is how very lucky that man is.

I also look at these and know again this is the closest I will see him for a few more months. This life has taught me to take nothing for granted. I have always lived my life with few regrets (Sniper is one of them). Now, I live it as:

One Life, No regrets

Today as you are going about your normal everyday routine, stop to remember what so many Men and Woman sacrifice, just so you can have your freedom.

Dyzgoneby
Take a look at this bunch. I wouldn't want to fuck with them either jihad's! Then again you guys aren't too fucking bright to begin with.

Golfing with Me

2006-06-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I tried to play 9 holes of golf today and it was frickin hotter than haties outside. 105 degrees. OMG, I don't know how our guys in Iraq can stand this shit.

What f*ckin idiot comes up with the dress code for a golf course? Especially when it is hotter than shit. We have to wear collared shirts and shorts to a certain length. Hell no.

I feel like some snob with there nose so far up someone else's ass. No, I don't think I would fit in with the "Country Club" crowd. Hell, my mouth would get me thrown out the first time I said "oh f*ck no" or "f*ck you" my two favorites.

I sucked it up and endured it for awhile anyway. Thankfully I wore a tank top under my "collard shirt" and eventually when no one was looking I took it off. The shorts, I couldn't do anything about. I just had to deal.

Here is a few pics for your pleasure.

Me, one of my advisors (Lil D) and two other co-workers

Yah, I sooo suck doing this, but the team I was on, won 1st place. It wasn't for the way I played. One of the guys actually knows how to play. I am not complaining, we won movie tickets.

Yes, sniper I will wait for us to go together. Just please don't be pissed at me for too long. I do love you with all my heart. I know I f*cked up and I promise not do it again. I know I have a lot at stake.

No, I won't tell, but it wasn't too bright on my part, but I bet if you try you could guess.........

Look real hard at the pics. Do you see anything interesting? Look at my ankles. I have both wrapped and can not walk for shit and that was before we played (nope, this isn't the reason Sniper is not so happy with me).

I went to the docs yesterday and it looks like I pulled more than I realized. I need to stay off of my feet for at least a week, keep them wrapped, take ibuprofen, and keep them iced. Oh my.

I plan on taking some drugs here soon and hitting the rack. Just as soon as I get off of this computer.......maybe.

This weekend is a study weekend. WHAT JOY!!!!

dyzgoneby
Sniper, I love you!